Making A Decision

I am just going to put one statement for now and will elaborate later on it. Chris and I have decided to give IVF a go! Don't get me wrong I am still very hesitant about it and know that this is our last chance at full filling our dreams. I know that the whole process won't be easy, but nothing I have done over this past year has been easy. We are going to pay off a few things first and then start our fund. It probably won't happen until June or July of 2011, but at least we now have a plan of action for sure. We are still hopeful that something might happen on its own, but I feel great now that we know what we are going to do and are in agreement. YEAH!

Positive Thinking

Today is Christmas and it was a much easier day than I thought it would be. Chris and I both were dreading the day even though it is a special day that we normally look forward too. I am not going to write much, but tonight when Chris and I finally did our gift exchange as the snowstorm and blizzard caused us to stay at my parents house last night, he of course was very sweet and sentimental. He said that the one gift I want is one that can't be bought and it is the one thing that we both want. He added that 2010 will be a year of positive thinking and doing everything in our will power to make this things happen on the baby front. Maybe he is right and that is all we need to do, but right now only time will tell. Of course tears were shed between the two of us and then he gave me my diamond earrings. I have the greatest and most supportive husband in the world. I love him with all of my heart. When the time comes he will make the greatest dad in the world. Today I watched him play with my 4 year old niece and it just melted my heart. I think he had more fun than she did. Someday he will be able to give that love to our own child. In closing, Merry Christmas and let the positive thinking and will power overtake us.

Emotional Pain

I have been doing better than I thought I would lately with the whole fertility thing lately until today. Today was my first family Christmas get together with my family from Springfield. I was so excited about them coming and could hardly wait for them to get here. Tonight was great at dinner with just talking and laughing. After that we opened a few presents. My niece Ava was definitely putting on a show and being her usual self, but I didn't expect my other niece's first Christmas to hit me as hard as it did. I was just sitting on the sofa watching and listening to my brother say that they needed to take a picture as it was Bellas first Christmas and first Christmas present. As I just sat there and watched, I felt a flood of emotion overcome me and I knew that I needed to be alone. I went upstairs and just cried. I remember when Chris and I found out that we were pregnant back in February that one of the first things that came to both of our heads is that we wouldn't feel awkward and be alone on the holidays any more. It is so hard to watch other people especially my brother with his daughter on the holidays when that is what we want more than anything. Any how, I was just thinking that this would of been our babies first Christmas and we would of been doing the same thing. Then I started thinking I can't do this the rest of my life. I have to be a mom someday, I just have too. God is going to have to hear our prayers sometime soon and grant them. As much as we want our own child with our flesh and blood, I would adopt a baby at this point as well. I know that this next week is going to be just as hard and I am just ready for the holiday season to pass. I know that this is selfish, but I just need this pain in my heart to stop. I know that my family understands how I feel and the pain that I have, but no one knows unless they have been in my shoes which none of them have. Please let me get through this next week without any more breakdowns or tears. Lastly, please let this be the last Christmas that I spend without a child.

A Time To Give Thanks

In the next week, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. I have noticed on Facebook all of the people that have been listing all of the things that they are thankful for. As I read through them, it just made me start thinking that I don't have a lot that I want to give thanks for this year. The one that I do need to give thanks to is all my amazing supportive friends and family who have been with Chris and I every step of the way in 2009. What we have endured this past year is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I will say that everything has made me a stronger person and taught me about my self and Chris. Who would of thought that I would actually be able to give myself injections and do even 1/2 of the things I did. I am sure that all of this strength I have gained is going to help me somewhere down the road, but I am not sure when. I keep saying that 2009 can't get any worse, but we still keep having things thrown at us that are far worse than I could ever dream. Then on top of that I started again this week. Was I surprised, no, but I was still wishing that a miracle would of happened. I am so ready for this year to be over and to move on. I hope that we can get through these next few weeks and the holiday season without any drama. I hope that this will be the last holiday season that Chris and I will have to go through as just the two of us. I have all these hopes and dreams for 2010 that maybe someone will actually grant. Until then, may no more bad things happen to us or the people that we love.

Today is the Day

Dear God,

Today is the day that Chris and my baby should of come into this world. You and I both know that it has taken me a long time to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be, but I will always have a special place for that baby in my heart and will never forget this date. Knowing that I was carrying a baby inside me, was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing that would of been better is carrying it to term and becoming a mom.

I hope that you know that through all of this, I still haven't figured out what it is that Chris and I are to do to become parents. We both have called upon you so many times just like the bible says and have waited for you to help us out. We are both at the end of our rope on this and just wish we could be informed on what it is that we are to do. God don't count us out on becoming parents and please give us the chance to have a baby naturally without invitro or adoption. We aren't bad people and would be the greatest parents in the world.

God thank you for everything that you have given us. I hope that you can give us both the strength that we need today to get through and try to move on. Please look after our family.

Amen...

Life

It is officially the month of November. I can't believe it. I wish I knew what to say at this point, but I am really at a loss for words. Tonight I once again kept the light off and trick-or-treaters away. It isn't that I love the kids and their costumes, but it is just a reminder of one thing I want to be able to do with my own child. I know it sounds silly, but it is one of those little things. As I was on facebook tonight looking at people's updates, it really hit me as I saw cute pictures that people uploaded of their children dressed up. I want that so bad. I have that cute fish costume in the closet that I bought years ago in hopes that it would be used. I still have hope, but just not as much.

Lately things have been hard. There was a death on Chris's side of the family and my dad had surgery yet again. Chris and I have officially decided that this was the worst year ever with everything that has happened and that next year things have to be better. It wouldn't surprise me if one more thing goes wrong between now and then. I am more than ready for January 1st to get here and get through these next few holidays. I have a feeling that this year's holidays will be that much harder. Right now, I just need to get through November 15th.

I apologize for my choppiness in my writing, but when I get emotional kind of like I am right now, my sentences don't flow together like I would like as I am writing off the top of my head and believe me there is a lot in there right now.

Sigh....

I had to sit down and write tonight to get some serious heavy things off my chest. For one, I am spotting which makes me think that I will be starting in the next few days. I would of thought that I would be more upset than I am right now, but I am sure that will hit me later in the week. I do know that everything happened to fast this month and I ovulated a lot earlier than I thought which didn't give us a real chance. I am really hoping with the meds that I have left this month and my still stimulated ovaries that we can make this happen.

I wish I could explain how much we want this. We want this for so many reasons, but one of my reasons isn't even for myself or Chris, but for my mom and dad. I want my parents to be able to have a grandchild from their daughter. I want my parents to be an important role in my child's life. I want to be able to raise my child in the same manner I was raised by my incredible parents. I want to be able to pass on the wisdom and family traditions to my child the way my parents did for me. I want Chris to be able to carry on his blood and namesake into the future as that is something that is very important to him. I want to hear a baby call me mommy and not just on accident like my students do at school. I want to be able to celebrate the holidays and not feel so alone. I want to be woke up in the middle of the night to a baby crying that needs me. I want to provide for a child and give them everything that I have to give and more. There are so many reasons that I want a baby, but most importantly I want my family to grow and expand. I sure hope that God has heard my prayers and will help make my dreams a reality this coming month.

Emotions

I have been doing better lately and I am not sure why. I still have a husband that keeps asking me when can you do a test and talking all positively, when of course I am thinking how the hell could we get pregnant on our own this month. I would love for it to have happened and for all of this stress this past month to be for nothing. Oh what a dream come true that would be. I seriously think I would do flip flops like I was a kid again! Only another week or so and we will know, but like I said I am not expecting much.

The other day I was cleaning the "blue room" or what will eventually be my fish nursery and I saw something that did me in. Granted I have everything bought for that room and have ever since I saw the bedding at Pottery Barn Kids with all the fish on it, but when I saw the Raiders onesies hanging in the closet, it all hit me like a load of bricks. I bought those outfits when I found out I was pregnant for Chris. We have always joked that if we have a boy he is going to have a hard time choosing to root for the Raiders or the Chiefs. :) Seeing those outfits and booties just reminded me that I should be 8 months pregnant right now and 1 month from delivering. It is unreal to me to be honest with you. I think about that date and now that it is so close, I think it is more on my mind especially with the fact that we have been told more or less they are giving up on us at the fertility doctor. I just need to get through this next month and the 15th of November by doing something special on that day. Chris said that he will be fine, but I think it is going to hit him harder than he thinks. Oh wouldn't it be nice if we had a miracle by then. Please oh please God...

Twiddling My Thumbs

I have been meaning to write these past few days, but I just haven't had the heart to do it. Tonight Chris is playing video games and I am just sitting at the computer thinking. While I was in here he asked me to look up fertility foods for women and men. It isn't as if I haven't done this before, but he wants to try it on his end for the next few months which is new. He then proceeded to tell me he is convinced fried chicken is on the list for obvious reasons. He is such a dork. Any how, I have been in here looking things up and all I keep seeing is info about IUI and infertility. I will be the first to admit that I haven't been the cheeriest person lately and I actually feel that my spirits being down is what got me sick right now.

I did talk to a great friend this week and he gave me some wonderful advice. I am more than grateful for Shawn talking to me and telling me that my feelings are normal. I have decided that I need to talk to someone other than a friend or family member about my feelings. I do feel blessed that I have amazing friends that have loved me and supported me through this every step of the way, but I have so many unanswered questions and I am just questioning what I should do about everything. A lot of my questions center around how can God give a child to someone that hurts them, doesn't take care of them, and doesn't love them. I just don't get it and if I think about it too much, I think that I must be a bad person that God doesn't think deserves a child. I know those are horrible thoughts, but that is just a bit of what is bottled up inside me right now. I still keep hoping that I am going to be popped in the head with an answer to all my questions including what road I should take with all of this, but it hasn't happened yet. I do know that I need lots of time to come to a firm and clear decision though and patience is going to have to find me real soon. I just hope that things get easier in my day to day life with dealing with the possibility of not ever being a parent.

Someone told me today that if for some reason it doesn't, I have played mom to hundreds of kids through the years and will continue to do so. (It isn't what I wanted to hear in a way, but it is true.) I know that I make a difference in my students lives which is something that I treasure, but I want to have that opportunity in different facets of life too including in my home with my husband. I am going to end this with my favorite thing about my week. This week a bunch of my former boys invited me to their 8th grade football game to watch them play. It felt so weird watching them play and thinking how far they have come from the 5 year olds that I grew to love and care for. I was so proud of them. Then after the game them coming off the field and giving me a huge group hug. Even though I smelled like their sweat, it made my day as I know that I am special to those kids just like they are special to me. It is things like that, that are going to get me through these next few months. I need to end this as I am getting emotional. May God be with us and guide us as we put this in his hands years ago and know that he will lead us in the right direction.

Torn Up

Where do I start...I met with my doctor on Tuesday only to hear what I didn't want to hear. More or less Chris and I sat down with her to discuss our options which are dwindling away more and more. She first asked what we wanted to do, but that isn't happening. We told her that we wanted to take some time off to regroup and refocus before trying the shots again. She then told me taking a break is great, but no more doing the shots. She said that it was a waste of our money and will never work. I think when she said that my eyes immediately welled up with tears as I knew what was coming up next. She said that we had done a total of 8 IUI cycles and no success. We did four with the oral hormones and 4 with the oral hormones and the injections. She of course pointed out that we did get pregnant off the first round of injections, but that since that time it should of worked again and it hasn't. She then informed us that, now are you ready for this, we are candidates for Invitro. The minute those words came out of her mouth, I wanted to back the train up to over a year ago when Chris and I heard the words, "you will be an easy case and you will be pregnant in no time." Since when did I go from being an easy case to now being a candidate for the toughest and most intensive fertility treatment. To be honest at this point, I didn't know what to say and from the look of Chris's face he didn't either. I think Dr. Brabec knew we were both upset and said let me get the IVF (invitro) insurance person to come in and talk numbers with you. Immediately when she walked out the door, the tears started. I knew then that I was never going to be a mom.

When the IVF information lady came in, I am sure she could tell by my face that I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. She started off by going this is going to be a lot of money and let me break it down for you. All I remember seeing is a HUGE number in front of me and realizing that we have spent about that much this past year with all of the procedures and the miscarriage. She did say that number will probably go up depending on how many meds I need. She kept asking if we had questions, but I didn't know what to say and either did Chris. When she got done she handed me her business card and told us to think it over. She then left and my nurse Marci came in and she could tell on our faces that we weren't ready for this. She told us just to take it all in and don't make any rash decisions. We just sat there and talked for a while. When I heard what IVF was like, I was even more nervous. The low down version is daily shots, surgery to retrieve the eggs, more shots this time in the butt, inject the eggs with sperm, implant the fertilized eggs, and freeze the extra ones. That is the majority of it, but there is a lot more. When I got up to leave, it felt weird like I was leaving this place that has been a part of my dream for quite possibly my last time. I know that sounds weird, but everything felt so final. I had become so close to all the people in that office and knew them all on a first name basis and felt so comfortable there. Was I really going to give up on my dream of becoming a mom? It is so hard to think about.

Everything seems to weird right now. I haven't taken my meds at all or anything. I am going to take a fertility drug in a bit as we are going to try on our own these next few months as my ovaries are well stimulated from the three rounds of shots earlier. I would love to say that this is all going to work and all the worries about IVF was for no reason. I have every bit of my body crossed that we can make this work and we will be granted with our own miracle. No one knows how much I DO NOT want to do IVF. Even though we have been told that we have over a 60% chance of success with IVF. To be honest that would be the only thing that would convince me to do this. The average normal couple has a 20% chance each month. When it was just Chris and I on our own, we had about a 3% chance with our infertility issues. With each drug and procedure I did, my number increased. When I was doing IUI with shots, I was a little bit over 20% which gave me the same probability as a fertile couple. It is amazing that anyone gets pregnant with numbers like that. Any how, we have lots to think about and to be honest again I am really trying not to think about it as it just hard and upsetting. I really don't want to give up on becoming parents as I feel like it is all my fault that Chris and I aren't parents yet. I know that sounds bad, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to be responsible for crushing his dreams. I know it is sad isn't it.

Getting By

A few days have passed since I blew my cool on here and I have had time to sit back and think a bit. I am still not happy to say the least, but in a better frame of mind. Right now who knows what we are going to do. I do know that I am going to the doctor tomorrow to discuss what happened this month with my hormones and what else I can do. I do know that there will be at least 6 months that I take off to relax and find myself again. Unless you have been in my shoes, it is hard for me to express to you what I endure each month. Between the constant meds that make you sick each day, injections, blood draws, internal ultrasounds to measure the eggs, your high hopes, the actual procedure with the catheter inserted into your cervix, the heavy cramping and pain afterwards, the waiting, and then finally the disappointment. That is just the highlights of each of my months and I have been doing this for over a year now. No wonder I am losing my mind. Like I said, I am doing better mentally, but time will only tell what our road is going to lead to. I just hope that God knows that I am not angry and I understand that everything happens for a reason, but he needs to know that this isn't making me stronger and it is only making me more doubtful on my plans of being a mom. God please be with Chris and I as we move down this road and figure out our path.

Heartbroken

Right now I am sitting here with tears running down my face with so many thoughts going through my head. I still can't believe that this month didn't work. How the hell couldn't this month work!? Everything was on our side plus some. I just knew that this was our month and that God wasn't going to let us down. How could he do this to us when he knew that this was the last hurrah for Chris and I? He knew that we were done trying after this. Why the hell doesn't he want me to be a mom and Chris to be a dad? I am filled with such emotion and rage, I am not even sure how to express it. Where do we go from here? Do I just give up on my dream of becoming a mom? I can't deal with this heartache any more. The way I feel right now no one should ever feel. I know that Chris has been the most supportive husband and has really opened up through out all of this and now what. I am just lost and looking for a sign or something on what to do. I know right now that I need lots of time off just to find me again as I think I have lost myself in all of this. I am not sure who I am any more. I do know that all of this has made me a stronger person and opened my eyes to so much, but I just don't get why I am being put through this. I don't want to talk about this to any of you right now and hope that you can respect this. I just really need to be left alone and figure out things for myself. I just can't image coming to terms of never being a mom. Chris said earlier maybe it will happen once we stop all of this, but I know in my heart that won't happen after what the doctor told me. Any how, I will write more when I feel up to it, but right now just respect my wishes...

Anticipation

I guess I am not very good at being patient and waiting for things that I really want in life. This weekend all I have thought about is what if. I am thinking more positive on the what if side, but I am still doing a lot of thinking. What doesn't help is that I have a husband that keeps asking me; can we just do a test now and he doesn't get it that it is a timing thing. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to hold up without knowing. I know that they said this Friday I can do a test, but knowing my body and what happened last time, I am thinking Sunday at the earliest. I just hope that I can hold up until then.

Someone asked me the other day if we would give this another month and I didn't know what to say. I would love to say yes, but honestly we had everything on our side this month with my eggs and Chris's part that if it doesn't work then I think we need to move on for a while. Besides my pocketbook needs a break from this. I am not sure I can scrounge up a few thousand dollars for another go. I just hope that having these thoughts and conversations were pointless as I am already prego, but it is definitely food for thought.

Keep all the positive thoughts and prayers coming! I am just praying for a healthy miracle!

More Than Excited

I am a true believer right now. Everything is literally going way to perfect this month. I couldn't be happier. I had insemination this morning or IUI and I have 1 large egg on each ovary, a medium size egg also on my right ovary, and lots of little ones that won't do anything. I am so pumped. Then to make things even better Chris's side went fantastic too! I really feel like this is the month. I just know that I will be prego by Sunday! I have my fingers, toes, and anything else crossed that I can. I just hope that if this doesn't happen this month, that everyone realizes this is going to hit me harder than ever before. Everything is in line to be perfect!!!! WOO HOO!

Excitement

I am sitting here tonight with a wave of excitement and emotion going through my body. I went to the doctor on Monday to have my eggs measured and to see where we are this month. I was more than happy to see that I finally have eggs on both ovaries. I haven't had this happen except for the month that I got pregnant. I seriously feel like this is our month. I am even at the point to say that if it doesn't work this month, that I might have to scrounge up money to do one more round after this. I feel so close to having everything perfect and yet it is still out of reach. Did I forget to mention that I had 7 eggs also!? I am happy and nervous about that, but I am going to wait and see what I see tomorrow. I have to go back tomorrow to have my eggs measured again as they weren't big enough to proceed to IUI as they needed a few more days of fertility drugs and time. I am hoping that a few of the eggs joined together to create bigger and stronger eggs to the point that I have maybe 2 large eggs on each side. That would be more than perfect and I would actually go forward as I am not about to chance it. I am hoping that I am just not getting my hopes up and that nothing bad happens, but I have been in the exact same place how many months now and it all grew the way it was supposed to. I am going to go to bed as I need rest as the next few days could be kind of crazy. If there was any time that I need prayers and positive thoughts, it is now. May God be on my side these next few days and make my dreams come true! (If you can't tell, I am giddy!)

Raging Hormones

Right now I just want to scream! I am not sure exactly why, but I can honestly tell you that I don't feel like myself and haven't in a while. Today is day 7 of this cycle of hormones and my lovely injections. To be honest I feel like a royal bitch and everything I am taking and eating is making me sick. I have no idea why this month is effecting more than usual, but it is really doing a number on me. I just had a huge fight with Chris because right now because I just want to quit and of course he doesn't want me too. I honestly don't feel like I have another drop of determination and will power in me to do a few more injections this month. I am so tired of being tired as I am up all night from the various meds that are playing havoc with my system. I really wish I knew which drug it was that was the main culprit or if it is combo of them all. I just know that I want to be done. I really hope that God is hearing me loud and clear this month as I am tired of feeling like a test rat and ready for the end result. I am sure you are thinking that sounds horrible, but it is the way I feel. I know that Chris wants a baby just as bad as I do, but I really don't think he has a clue on how I feel each day of my treatment plan. I told him tonight if the roles were reversed and you were the one having to do what I do, would you have stuck with it as long as I have or quit? I told him that he would of quit which probably wasn't the nicest thing to say, but he doesn't know what it is like. Now that I have calmed down and had time to think, who knows what I am going to do in the next few days. I just keep waiting for a sign to let me know that everything is going to be alright. I really need to know what to do at this point in the game.

Ready or Not

Most of you don't know that I had to take a few weeks off from everything as something happened last month, but we don't know what exactly. It is a long story and one I am trying to put behind me. Any how, I am currently on birth control to stabilize my system and to give me a bit of more time. This week I am supposed to stop the pills and start up again on all the drugs. To be honest I am not sure what I am going to do. I had told myself that this was our last month for a while, but after last month's happenings, I am not sure if I have one more month in me. On top of that, I started back to work which means lots of stress, but to be honest I am excited about my new group. I am hoping that they will be less needy this year and more independent to say the least. I have to make my decision in the next few days. My birthday is Friday and that is the first day of fertility drugs. Maybe it is a sign that I am supposed to do this, but then again maybe it is a sign I am just getting older and one year closer from never being a mom. It is one of those things where it just depends how I look at the glass either half empty or half full. Today I am not sure how I am viewing it and just thinking I need a couple more days of thinking before doing anything. Just keep us in your prayers right now as we come to terns with whatever decision we make. I am really hoping for a sign from God on what to do next.

Uplifting Thoughts

I have an amazing friend that has been there for me with this ordeal I go through each month lately and she sent me the most incredible poem the other day that I wouldn't allow myself to read until I really needed a pick me up. I guess today was that day as I went to the doctor to hear about what we are going to do next and I felt more upset and confused than ever. After Chris and I read this poem tonight, it gave us the validation that we have to continue even with all the heartache we have been through. Dana thank you so much for such an incredible and uplifting poem at this hard time in our lives. You have no idea how much we needed to read this tonight and reconfirm the amount of money, the heartache, and the tears that we endure each month. I have decided that I am going to frame this poem and keep it somewhere close so I can read it when I am down and need confirmation on life. Enjoy this poem and thanks again Dana..

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

Becoming A Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Not The Start To August I Wanted

I am so bummed right now. I can't believe that I am spotting. I know that some of you are going that is not always a bad thing, but in my case I am sure it is just the beginning of my period. I really thought that this was our month. I have had morning sickness where I actually have gotten sick, headaches and dizziness, hot flashes, increased appetite, pain on my ovaries, and I have been exhausted. I am seriously just shocked that I am not pregnant. I will probably go ahead and do a test on Monday just to make sure as I know my doctor will ask me to do it anyways. I am just sick about this. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point. We had said that we would give it one more month and then stop trying until next summer as we need a break emotionally, physically, and financially, but I am not sure I have one more month in me. We have been doing this over a year now. The positive side of all of this is that I did get prego once and whats not saying it won't work again, but I am at my breaking point. This is all I am writing right now as I am a mess and really would like not to think about it. I just told Chris and his face and tears match mine. It is going to be a long next few days until Monday morning. I am still hoping for a miracle, but I am not to sure God is on my side this month with this one.

Let the Waiting Begin

I am not going to write much as I would like to forget yesterday. Yesterday was the day of my IUI procedure. For some reason it was more painful than ever before. I have been laying on the couch since having a hard time sitting up let alone moving. The pain is a combo of the procedure and ovulation of two large eggs. I slept in today until noon and that seemed to help some, but I am still very sore, but much better than yesterday.

Now it is the waiting game to see if it worked. The chances of my doing a pregnancy test in a few weeks is slim, but I promised my friend Becky that if on the day she goes into labor and I still don't know anything, that I would do a test. I guess we will have to wait and see. :) I am really thinking that quite possibly that I am pregnant right now, but who knows, but I do know that I have to keep my positive attitude up. I really don't EVER want to do this again. Keep the prayers and hormones coming my way!!! I couldn't get through this without my wonderful supportive friends!

Its a Start

I haven't felt like writing much lately. There has been so much craziness going on in my life. If you have read previous blogs you know that we had to go to Mississippi as Chris's grandpa died and then my dad has been in the hospital as well. My dad is now home, thank God, but he isn't out of the woods yet as he has a rare staph infection that is deteriorating his bones in his right foot. He has to stay off of his foot and have constant IV treatment at home for the next 8 weeks. I really feel for my mom as she is the one that gets to deal with him on a day to day basis and clean his pic line. I really hope that this is all going to work and then my dad can have the next operation in 8 weeks. On top of that I pray that my mom can deal with this as it is going to be a lengthy ordeal. I do know that she is a strong person though and amazes me daily.



On to the main reason that I write this blog. my ongoing fertility treatment. I feel so much better about everything this month. Granted it was more than a pain in the butt pulling into a rest stop this past week for Chris to give me my injections, but it will all be worth it in a few weeks, I just know it. Today I went to the doctor as it is day 11 to have my eggs measured. I was so positive going in that I would have eggs on my right ovary as it was dormant last month, but guess again there was nothing there. However, I do have a huge egg on my left ovary and another large egg. I was told to do another injection tonight to allow them to get even bigger. I was a little bummed about my right ovary, but she made it sound like it wasn't a big deal and we have no idea what egg got fertilized in February. The good thing is that my dreams about triplets this month can go away as that won't happen, but twins, who knows? I really think that the size of the huge egg will be at least a 22 or so by the time of IUI on Monday. I really feel like this is our month. I am relaxed, well partly relaxed with worrying about my dad, and ready for this. I know that by Tuesday, I will be pregnant again. I will do anything and everything to make sure that this happens.

The one thing that made me sad today is that there was no one there for scans or bloodwork except all of these new consult patients that are just getting started. Almost 1 year ago, Chris and I were in there shoes and thinking that this was going to be easy as they told me. I remember leaving there on cloud 9 thinking I will be pregnant in no time and here I am a year later still not pregnant. I am going to try not to dwell on that and think maybe I just needed the extra time for the perfect egg to form for the most beautiful baby. See my spirits are up! I just have to get through these next few days. WOO HOO!!!!

Roller Coaster

Wow, has my life been crazy since I wrote last week. I have been meaning to write in the past few days, but I keep getting distracted. Since I wrote on Thursday, my niece Bella was born on noon on Friday, Chris's grandpa died on Friday at 8pm, and I officially started my period over the weekend. If you can't tell Friday was definitely a day filled with mixed emotions. I went from being happy about my new niece Bella in my life to devastated about hearing the news about Papa's passing and seeing Chris's reaction. I have never seen Chris so upset. I thought the way that he handled my miscarriage was tough on him, but this leveled him and he wouldn't let me help him. He is finally coming around, but we are headed out to Mississippi on Thursday to be with his Nana and for Chris to have some closure. I am really hoping that this will help. We will be coming back on Sunday as I have a computer class to teach on Monday. Then on top of that I found out today that my dad is having surgery on Friday and then again on Monday to have the pin going through his foot taken out as he has an infection there which is eating away at the bone. I am praying and hoping that this doctor can get this issue resolved and cause my dad some much needed relief. It will be hard being gone while this is going on, but I will be sending all prayers my dad's way.

I went to my fertility doctor today as I had to have a scan of my ovaries to see that they were quiet right now as I am officially on my period. The good news is that they were quiet and there were no cysts. :) I really didn't think that there would be any as I haven't had any eggs except just this last month as I was on birth control before that, but they still have to check it out and take $330 out of my pocket for the scan. Any how, my nurse Marci and I were able to sit down and plan out my month. I can't tell you how excited I am about it. My nurse I think was shocked at my change in attitude. I really believe that last month was just a test to get my feet wet with this whole process. I still don't even feel like I went through it even though I had all of the pain from the procedures and shots, but my body just felt numb or maybe it was my heart. The whole month I was trying to be positive, but nothing seemed to be going our way and I was more or less just terrified to see a positive as I wasn't ready just yet to start on that road again. I know that is what I want, but I wasn't ready. However, I am more than ready now.

If you can't tell I am really pumped about this month and I am even OK with all of the treatments that I have to do. I know that my right ovary last month was dormant and didn't produce any eggs which was fine as my left ovary was working, but when I was pregnant in February, all of my eggs were on that side. I am not saying that is the difference between a negative and positive pregnancy test, but I feel like that is what needs to happen. I don't know for sure, I am just really excited and positive about this month. I really felt good being there and talking about everything.

Luckily my Dr gave me my injectable drug again which saves me $2500. I don't think she knows how much I appreciate that as we have shelled out THOUSANDS of dollars each month lately on this. I take my first dose later this week in which Chris will be the lucky one to administer it. Please send all positive thoughts and hormones my way this month as I know this is going to work. If for some reason it doesn't, I will be more than upset this month, but I will know that we have one more month to try all of this again before Chris and I take a much needed break. I know that I am meant to be a mommy and it will happen no matter what. I WILL SAY THIS IN ALL CAPS...I WILL BE PREGNANT BY THE END OF JULY NO MATTER WHAT! Thanks for your continued love and support!

Another Month

What did I tell you, this month was going to be a bust! I was pretty sure of that from the beginning when nothing seemed to be going right. The worst part is that I am not even that upset as I really don't think I was ready for a positive test even though that is what I want more than anything. Chris on the other hand is really mad about the whole thing and especially my attitude. What doesn't help is that we have also received a phone call tonight about Chris's grandpa and how they expect him to pass any time and it couldn't be worse timing with Chris's inventory next week. To be honest with you and myself, I seriously feel as if I wasn't ready to try fertility treatments this month, but between everyone's coaxing, I finally gave in. Do I think next month will be better? Absolutely! I know that I need eggs on my right ovary this month as I think that might of be why it worked last time and I haven't had that except for a few times. I know that is just speculation, but it kind of makes sense. Am I looking forward to another round of drugs and shots, NO, but I do know that I am only giving this a couple more times before calling it quits for good. If you can't tell, I am in a funk right now and what doesn't help is that my niece is going to be born tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about being an aunt again, but it makes me think is this the only thing I will ever be to a child. I know that isn't the way I should think, but I am in a bad humor. I feel better getting all of this off my chest as I can't talk to Chris right now as he is dealing with his own problems on top of ours. All I can say is maybe next month...

Worried

Right now there are so many emotions going through my body. It is midnight and I am sitting by the phone waiting to hear from Chris as he is doing overnights every night this week to tell him the bad news about his grandpa. His grandpa is very ill and more or less we have been told that it is only a matter of time as is blood pressure is like 70 over 60. I am anticipating another call coming in during the night some time to let us know that he is left us. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts that he can get through this, but right now I have my doubts.

Today was the last day of summer school which means no FSE until August! YEAH! I am so excited!

Alright the real reason I am writing. Today my emotions got the best of me with everything and I broke down to my mom about it all. I have said time and time again that I don't want to talk to my mom about the infertility treatments as it is to hard as I feel like I let her down each month when I have to tell her no that I am not prego, but I felt like I was about to burst if I didn't talk to someone. Between Chris's upcoming inventory at work and everything he is going through with his family, I can't talk to him about the baby thing. Any how, I am really stressing about doing a test. Not worried about seeing a negative, but an actual positive again. I know it sounds crazy as that it what I really want more than anything, but I am so scared. I am so scared to even fathom that I might have to endure the loss of another child and everything I went through before. I don't even know what my reaction will be this weekend if it is positive. How can you get excited as in the back of your head you are anticipating everyday are my levels going up this time, am I going to miscarry, am I able to carry a baby to term? I know what the doctor told me about how common this is to miscarry once and that it probably won't happen again, but in the back of my mind I can't help to think what if? I do know that if I miscarry again for some reason, I am done. This would also more or less solidify in my head that I can't carry a baby to term at all and that if we want to be parents we will have to look into adoption which is something I really don't want to do. There are just so many possible scenarios and what ifs, that I am terrified. I really wish that I could fast forward just a few more days and know something. I hope if you are reading this, you understand what I mean and you aren't thinking that I am being a pessimist. I really and truly have a fear about actually being pregnant again as crazy as that sounds even though I want a baby more than anything in this world. I do know that if we are in for another round of treatment which at this point I am kind of hoping for, I am ready for this. This month was more or less a trial and a way of me getting back up on that horse and trying again. Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming...

Anticipating

So...I said that I wouldn't do this, but I can't help to think right now that we are in for another month of fertility treatment. I don't know why I feel that way and maybe it is just my way of preparing myself like I am known to do, but that is the way I feel. I am hoping that I am wrong and that I am just scared, but who knows. I am trying to be relaxed as I can about it and believe me with just teaching summer school, I am pretty relaxed, but it is just that feeling in the pit of my stomach that keeps telling me something isn't right this month. Chris keeps telling me to quit bring negative, but I am just not being negative, but more like a realist. If we do have to do another month of this, I am hoping that things will be more on our side and my spirits will be lifted. I guess I will know in a few weeks for sure. I wish I could speed up time.

Let the Waiting Begin...

Today was IUI day. YUCK! I got up bright and early to go back out to the doctor's office to get the specimen ready and for my procedure. Luck was on my side and I only had to sit until a little after 9 before they called me back. Normally I sit from 7:30 until almost 10 in the waiting room, but I don't mind to much as all I do is people watch and analyze all the couples. Today I felt really young sitting there as all the couples looked MUCH older than me. Any how, I thought that getting called back early had to be a good sign. I went back and did my procedure and that is enough on that adventure. Every time afterwards while I am laying there in the dark relaxing afterwards I just keep telling myself this is it, I am going to be prego and never have to do this again. I have still been telling myself that for the past how many hours. I seriously NEVER want to do that again, but if I do I do, but I am not I am telling you. I have to stay positive. The pain from it all has set in already and I am hoping that my drugs will kick in as we are leaving for Lake of the Ozarks in just a bit. Now I just have to wait and see what happens in the next few weeks. Don't be surprised if I am prego this month, that I don't tell you on here or lie to you. After everything we have been through, I don't want to get my hopes up and flying high if there is something wrong with the baby again, Enough with the negative talk...I am being positive. I will be pregnant by Sunday! :)

Better News...

Today I went to the doctor again and heard better news. The eggs or follicles that I had on Monday had grown like they should of and were much bigger. As of right now I have two large eggs and a medium sized egg. They are big enough that we are good to go with IUI on Friday which won't effect our weekend plans to Tan-Tar-A for the wedding. THANK GOD! My doctor did want me to do another Follistem shot of hormones though to make the eggs even bigger and more viable. Of course, I hated the idea of another needle this week as I swear I have been poked 5 times since Monday and I still have 2 more to go, but then again if it will make the eggs bigger and easier to fertilize, I am all for it. Luckily my friend Carie was nice enough to give me the injection today as Becky was gone. Now tomorrow night we do another injection, but this time it is the Ovidrel which will cause me to ovulate on Friday into Saturday which is perfect and sets up IUI. I am actually getting excited again and hoping that it is all going to work out, but I know in my heart it is. The people that work at my doctor's office really want this to work for us again and are doing everything to set up the same conditions as last time, but with better end results. Now I just get to wait until Friday for the horrible IUI, but if this is the last time I ever have to do it, I can handle it. Start the positive thoughts and prayers coming!!!! I will be pregnant by Saturday, I just know it!

Frustrated

The only word I know to describe the way I feel right now is frustrated. I think that I might of had my expectations up to high this morning and expected to see and hear more, but that wasn't the case. Right now I have nothing on my right ovary and they say it is dormant this month for some reason. My left one though has 3 eggs, but they aren't big enough just yet and need more time. Last time when I did the shots, my eggs were bigger at this time and I guess that is what frustrates me. I also had eggs on both ovaries which made me really happy. I am just hoping that everything is good to go at this point and more anxious than ever. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her that it feels as if I am not going through this right now. After thinking about that some more, I have decided that might be a good thing as I can't dwell on it, but I do need to be positive. My dr ordered another fertility shot for today to help the eggs increase in size. I go back on Wednesday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. The only positive is that my bloodwork came back through the roof which indicates my body is very hormonal which may explain my sudden cravings for chocolate. They are almost 40 points higher than the last time we did this. I am going to try to think about that instead of the size of the eggs. I guess there is more info to come on Wednesday and hopefully IUI on Friday since we go out of town. I hope that God is on my side this month. I CAN DO THIS!

Relaxing

Today was the day for me to do nothing, but relax and get ready for the upcoming week. Tomorrow I go to the doctor first thing in the morning to have my eggs measured. I am so nervous. I feel like I did the very first time when they were looking at my eggs. I will never forget how excited I was to see the eggs for the first time. I made my nurse print pictures to show Chris. :) I am not sure why I am so nervous, but I am just hoping that there is something going on in there. I feel like there is something with the pain that I am having which indicates a dominate follicle or egg, but I never know any more. Then on the flip side, I hope that there aren't too many eggs. My mind is one big jumbled mess right now. There are so many possible scenarios for tomorrow. I guess I am just anxious to see something and know that my body is really back on track after everything I have been through. I am sure that if there is something that they will say do another hormone shot tonight and come back on Wednesday to see if the eggs have grown. This is what always seems to happen to me, but I would rather have the eggs be almost mature before IUI than to small. I guess I have just under 12 hours until I will know for sure. I wish that I could fast forward to tomorrow morning and get this over with. I just have to keep telling myself, I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL BE PREGNANT! :)

Emotions

I would say that right now my emotions are through the roof and all I want to eat is CHOCOLATE CAKE! Here it is Thursday and it was day 2 of fertility injections. Thank God for my friend Becky as she has been a real trooper about administering my shots. I feel very blessed to have her as such a good friend. I really don't know what I would do without her. She has made a tough situation that much easier as I feel comfortable with her giving my injections. We have even laughed each time which I thought would never happen!

I forgot how the meds make me feel. Each night I have been having stomach issues in the middle of the night and during the day I have to eat my small meals to keep my stomach from having issues. I just hope that all of this is worth it and that everything works out the way I want. I seriously can't believe that I agreed to do this already. I know the hard part was going to the doctor last week, but now that I have started everything it almost seems surreal and that we aren't doing this. It is a weird feeling. I am sure next week it will really hit me when I go in to measure the eggs and for bloodwork. I know that everything is going to go great and we will be good to go with IUI. I just have to start telling myself I will be prego which I will, I know that I have everything on my side. I just have to keep reading my book, thinking positively, and staying relaxed. I CAN DO THIS!

AM I READY!?!?!?!?

So...I am now at present day more or less and this is the main reason that I am doing this blog. I don't really care who reads this, but it is my way of moving on and dealing with the past. This is more or less just a way for me to reflect and to continue to reflect as we start up again on fertility treatments.

I know that I still want to be a mom more than anything, but the idea of starting up on all of the fertility treatments again just terrifies me. I know that my doctor said that the chances of this happening again are slim, but I can't still stop thinking about the baby that I lost and everything I have been through. Chris is excited and ready to do another round of fertility treatment and keeps trying to pump me up. I know that is what I need to be doing, but in the back of my head I have this nagging feeling that won't go away.

I went to the doctor this past week on June 3rd, to do a scan of my ovaries to make sure everything looked good before we start up. We have given my body enough time to normalize and heal from all of this and are ready to do this again according to them. When I walked into the office, I was hit by all sorts of emotion and fear as I hadn't been there in a few months and I just kept thinking and I am ready. We have mapped out the month and what days I do what. Today is the first day that I take a fertility drug and I am on pins and needles. Like my nurse said that this is like falling off a horse and you have to get back on to move on. I know that she is right that if I don't start up again this month, that it will be even harder next month. I am just going to try stay calm and relaxed and use writing as a way of getting all of my feelings out. I hope that when this DOES work this month, that someday our child realizes how much we went through and dealt with to have him or her.

THE NIGHTMARE THAT WOULDN'T END!

On March 23rd, is when I was given the injections to terminate the pregnancy. On March 30th, I had blood work drawn to check my levels and they were finally dropping. I knew that things were slowly working, but to be honest I was at my emotional breaking point and ready to move on with my life. I had no appetite, a husband that didn't want to talk about any of this, colleagues that wanted to talk about what I was going through when I wasn't able to without crying, and I felt alone. During this time I just couldn't help to think why me!? I know that isn't the greatest thing to think as this happens to so many people, but with the road I have been on and then to feel like God was toying with my feelings and emotions. I wasn't sure I could do any of this again.

On that Thursday, April 2nd, I was in my classroom when I started having major pains and contractions. I knew then that I needed to get home as I knew what was coming next. Luckily my mom came and got me as I was in no shape to drive home. The doctor called me in some drugs and I just had to wait for the baby to finally miscarry. Finally, after lots of pain and contractions on Sunday, April 5th, I miscarried the baby. I was so sad and relieved thinking that this might finally be over, but for some reason I was still having lots of pain and trouble sitting up and no bleeding.

On Monday, I was supposed to go out for blood work, but instead I called and said I think I need to be seen now and told them about my pain. They said that they wanted to see me now. I called my mom and luckily she could go with me as I didn't know what was going on. Once there and after an examination, my doctor was thinking that my tube was about to burst and in less than a half an hour, I was in surgery having an emergency D&C and laproscopic surgery. Chris barely got out there as they were finishing my IV at Overland Park Regional to give me a kiss before I was wheeled into surgery. That is the last thing I remember until I woke up in recovery to have a nurse tell me that they took my appendix. I looked at her and told her that she had the wrong patient. I guess she was right though as I was told that it wasn't just my tube that was causing all the pain, but my appendix. My doctor also did find tissue that hadn't miscarried that was part of the problem as well. All I have to say is that any time something is out of the norm, it is me. I got home on that day and felt better that this whole thing was finally over. Yes, I had lots of pain and I was still angry, but I knew that my nightmare was winding down. Now I had the rest of the week off to recover and reflect. The worst part is that this really did a number on Chris and he was just convinced that on that day he was going to lose me. You know I wasn't to sure myself what was happening as I remember signing all of the papers when I checked into surgery and them asking about my will, if I wanted them to resuscitate me if something went wrong, next of kin, etc. It just really makes you think about life.

WOW TO NIGHTMARE

I don't think I could of been any happier about being pregnancy. The glow that everyone talks about that people get when they are pregnant, I had it. :) On that Monday, I had to go have blood drawn to check my levels. My progesterone came back high and my HCG was at a 70. I went back on Wednesday to have them checked again as the HCG was supposed to double or increase by 1/2 and it came back at a 111. On Friday when I went my level had gone up to a 171 and the doctors were concerned that something was wrong with the baby. My heart dropped and I was terrified.

Chris and I told my parents the news on that Saturday and it was a happy, but sad time. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when I told her, but of course we had to tell them that there was probably something wrong with the baby, but we were all hopeful still. On Monday I had more blood work done to check my levels. It was the longest day waiting to hear what my numbers had gone up to. When the call came in, it was only a 224. Instantly my heart broke as I knew I was going to lose this baby.

On Thursday Chris and I went to the doctor to do an ultrasound to see the baby and see what is going on. I will never forget how scared I was and how hard I was squeezing Chris's hand. The look on the ultrasound wasn't good. We could see something in the uterus, but it wasn't as big as it should be for the numbers I had. My doctor then thought that maybe it was ectopic. At this point, my doctor wasn't sure what to do as if you aren't careful in how you handle the situation, I could get hurt and die. That was a nice thought wasn't it. All I remember Dr. Brabec saying is that this is common and that 1 out of 4 women miscarry and the chances of this happening again are slim. My Dr then decided that we would see if this baby would miscarry on its own over the weekend and I would come back on Monday. If it didn't, we would be looking into terminating the pregnancy by injections into my hip bones or surgery. When I left there with Chris on that day, my heart was broken and I didn't know what to think or do. Why is it that everything that happens to us, has to be out of the norm and more complicated. I was just sick at my stomach and wasn't sure how I was going to get through this nightmare. Here I wanted nothing more to be pregnant and now that I am, I wanted this whole thing over.

On Monday, I went back out there and did more blood work and another ultrasound. Once again my numbers kept going up, but they were NO where near where they needed to be. The sac in my uterus looked about the same. It was then decided that I would come back after lunch to have injections into my hipbones that would cause the baby to miscarry on its own and I wouldn't have to have surgery. When Chris and I went back, it was one of the most horrible things in the world. You are already upset as I felt like I was killing my baby that I wanted more than anything and it was more needles which I already have a fear of. Feeling that cold liquid enter into my system was one of the weirdest feelings I have ever had. I was told that this drug would shot off the hormones to the baby and cause it to miscarry on it's own as my hormone levels dropped. It could be weeks to a month for this to happen and I would have to have more blood work done every week to check my levels to make sure that they were dropping. I do know one thing that was dropping at this point and that was my heart, my weight, and my energy. I felt so alone and scared and felt like I had no where to turn even though I knew I had my friends and family supporting me through this horrible ordeal. When will this nightmare be over.

WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN THROUGH?

My name is Becky and I am teacher in Missouri and have been for 10 years. In those years I have met and taught some of the most amazing students in the world. I love being a kindergarten teacher and couldn't imagine doing anything different. In this time, I met and married the man of my dreams, Chris. I had known him since he was 9 years old when he played little league football with my brother.

Chris and I have done very well for ourselves and mapped out our future to a T. We wanted to wait to start a family until we thought we were financially secure and I had completed my master's plus 40. Once I completed all of this, we started working on adding to our little family. That was over three years ago and we are still without child. There is so much more to this story, but to make a long story short last August after trying Clomid and various other things, we moved onto a fertility specialist.

We are seeing Dr. Brabec at Reproductive Resource Center. She is amazing is all I have to say. From day 1, we developed a plan to make our dreams come true. Each month it was taking fertility drugs, doctor's appts, blood drawn, measuring eggs growth, and followed by IUI. If you don't know what IUI is, it is where they take a catheter in through your cervix and inseminate you with your spouses sperm. It isn't the most pleasant experience, but I will do just about anything to become a mom. We did this in Sept, Oct, and Nov. and it never worked. Things became so hard on my husband and I, that we decided it was easier to not discuss what we were going through with family as we felt like we were letting them down each month as well as ourselves. We had to take some time off in December and January as I had a cyst that was caused by all the fertility drugs. I was put on birth control to stop the hormones to the cyst and to make it go away. In early Feb it was gone.

We were now ready to take the next step with IUI in increasing the fertility drugs to an injectable drug. I would like to add here, that I am terrified of needles. Luckily I have the greatest school nurse in the world that gave me my injections into my stomach every other day. It wasn't horrible, but I was convinced that this was our month and I kept telling myself that. When I went in to measure the eggs, I was blown away at how big they were. I had three large eggs and one was measuring almost a 24. I knew that this was fate and that before long we were going to have good news to share. I did IUI on a Saturday and was supposed to wait two weeks to do a pregnancy test. I was told to do a pregnancy test every month 2 weeks following IUI, but I was never one that wanted to do a test as there is something about seeing the words NOT PREGNANT on those at home pregnancy tests. I could usually tell that my period was coming and knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant. On that Saturday I could do a test, I wouldn't. It was the start of my spring break and I didn't want to start it off with bad news, but I didn't feel like I was going to start. On that Sunday, March 8th, I got up and did a test. It came back instantly PREGNANT! I was so excited! I came running out of the bathroom and could hardly wait to tell my husband! We both cried and knew that our dreams were coming true! We agreed to not tell anyone until I was further along and we knew the baby was alright, but I had to tell someone and called my friend Becky as I had to tell someone!