Breakdown Again

Tonight I just feel so emotional about everything.  I am so ready for next week to get here and get these blood tests over with and know something, but on the flip side am I really ready to hear the news either way.  I am scared out of my mind.  I am normally not an emotional person like this, but I can't get ahold of my emotions tonight.  Like I have said before is it all of the hormones I am on or is something going on.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Today I had some sharp pains and then some tightness.  I am tired of analyzing and just need some answers, but then that takes me back to am I ready to hear the results.  Hopefully I can get through the weekend and accept whatever I hear next week.  Me being the planner I am, I need to figure out what we are going to do if we hear the dreaded words.  Chris gets so angry at me, but that is the realist in me even though I think I am.  If you can't tell I am going nuts.  I am hoping and praying with all of my might for the news we want and that there are two beautiful babies growing in me right now.  I also told God that we put this in his hands along time ago and reminded him of that that we have been patient and feel like he led us on this path and why would he do that if we were only going to be disappointed.  Any how, signing off, but needed to vent.  Night!

Overwhelmed and Venting

Today I just felt like crying as everything is just really hitting me right now.  On Monday I had to pay for my IVF and that was a big shock to the system.  Then on Tuesday, I had to pay for the medications and I got my chain jerked around just a bit.  I did get them paid for and they will arrive at my school tomorrow.  They told me that I need to check all of the vials and make sure that they aren't broken.  I was actually a bit excited as that means that I will soon be taking them.  :)  Then on top of all of this, packing up my classroom for my new grade next year, the end of the year, all of the things I have committed to, people asking me to do things like planning events for school, and just overall fears about the whole process, I feel like I am about to break.  I am trying to stay so positive about everything, but for some reason it is all just getting to me right now.  I know everyone says I am SuperWoman and that I amaze them in how I do it all, but right now I just feel like I need to unwind and decompress from it all.  I hate to vent and complain, but right now I just need too.  I am hoping that a night out with my closest friends tomorrow will be just what I need.  I am also hoping that venting on my blog will help.  I just need to keep going and think positive.  My friends keep telling me my glass is half full and to keep looking at it that way.  I just need to get over this little bump as I start injections next Thursday.  Only 7 more days.  I hope that God can help me regroup and gather myself as I need his support right now for sure.

Bloodwork Done

Oh me oh my!  What a Valentine's Day!  I went for my bloodwork this morning and was shocked to see the lady at Quest print off sheet after sheet of tests that they were doing.  Did I forget to mention that I am terrified of needles and blood!!!!!  I asked the lady how many tubes are you taking?  She looked at me and said 11!!!!  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and faint.  We started and I had to lay down as I was going to faint.  11 tubes later we were done and she got the blood out of the room so I could sit up.  I hope that I don't have to do that again.  I remember doing that the first time I started infertility treatment thinking never again and here I am again.  I felt like crap the rest of the day and I still have a headache.  I just wish I would have my results tomorrow, but with my doctor out of town until Thursday I guess I will have to wait until then to hear the results.  I had my fingers crossed the whole time praying that I won't have to go back on Metformin, but I am sure I will.  On the flip side if I need that drug to help my insulin levels to get pregnant, I will do anything.  I am ready to face this challenge and adventure with no regrets.  I guess we will see later week the first part of my results and find out if I am even a candidate for IVF still.  I am going to pray extra hard these next few days that everything works out alright.  Tonight as my husband and I hugged on this romantic day, we both know that we are ready for this and ready to get on this road again.  We are in this together!

Ready or Not

Most of you don't know that I had to take a few weeks off from everything as something happened last month, but we don't know what exactly. It is a long story and one I am trying to put behind me. Any how, I am currently on birth control to stabilize my system and to give me a bit of more time. This week I am supposed to stop the pills and start up again on all the drugs. To be honest I am not sure what I am going to do. I had told myself that this was our last month for a while, but after last month's happenings, I am not sure if I have one more month in me. On top of that, I started back to work which means lots of stress, but to be honest I am excited about my new group. I am hoping that they will be less needy this year and more independent to say the least. I have to make my decision in the next few days. My birthday is Friday and that is the first day of fertility drugs. Maybe it is a sign that I am supposed to do this, but then again maybe it is a sign I am just getting older and one year closer from never being a mom. It is one of those things where it just depends how I look at the glass either half empty or half full. Today I am not sure how I am viewing it and just thinking I need a couple more days of thinking before doing anything. Just keep us in your prayers right now as we come to terns with whatever decision we make. I am really hoping for a sign from God on what to do next.

Worried

Right now there are so many emotions going through my body. It is midnight and I am sitting by the phone waiting to hear from Chris as he is doing overnights every night this week to tell him the bad news about his grandpa. His grandpa is very ill and more or less we have been told that it is only a matter of time as is blood pressure is like 70 over 60. I am anticipating another call coming in during the night some time to let us know that he is left us. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts that he can get through this, but right now I have my doubts.

Today was the last day of summer school which means no FSE until August! YEAH! I am so excited!

Alright the real reason I am writing. Today my emotions got the best of me with everything and I broke down to my mom about it all. I have said time and time again that I don't want to talk to my mom about the infertility treatments as it is to hard as I feel like I let her down each month when I have to tell her no that I am not prego, but I felt like I was about to burst if I didn't talk to someone. Between Chris's upcoming inventory at work and everything he is going through with his family, I can't talk to him about the baby thing. Any how, I am really stressing about doing a test. Not worried about seeing a negative, but an actual positive again. I know it sounds crazy as that it what I really want more than anything, but I am so scared. I am so scared to even fathom that I might have to endure the loss of another child and everything I went through before. I don't even know what my reaction will be this weekend if it is positive. How can you get excited as in the back of your head you are anticipating everyday are my levels going up this time, am I going to miscarry, am I able to carry a baby to term? I know what the doctor told me about how common this is to miscarry once and that it probably won't happen again, but in the back of my mind I can't help to think what if? I do know that if I miscarry again for some reason, I am done. This would also more or less solidify in my head that I can't carry a baby to term at all and that if we want to be parents we will have to look into adoption which is something I really don't want to do. There are just so many possible scenarios and what ifs, that I am terrified. I really wish that I could fast forward just a few more days and know something. I hope if you are reading this, you understand what I mean and you aren't thinking that I am being a pessimist. I really and truly have a fear about actually being pregnant again as crazy as that sounds even though I want a baby more than anything in this world. I do know that if we are in for another round of treatment which at this point I am kind of hoping for, I am ready for this. This month was more or less a trial and a way of me getting back up on that horse and trying again. Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming...

AM I READY!?!?!?!?

So...I am now at present day more or less and this is the main reason that I am doing this blog. I don't really care who reads this, but it is my way of moving on and dealing with the past. This is more or less just a way for me to reflect and to continue to reflect as we start up again on fertility treatments.

I know that I still want to be a mom more than anything, but the idea of starting up on all of the fertility treatments again just terrifies me. I know that my doctor said that the chances of this happening again are slim, but I can't still stop thinking about the baby that I lost and everything I have been through. Chris is excited and ready to do another round of fertility treatment and keeps trying to pump me up. I know that is what I need to be doing, but in the back of my head I have this nagging feeling that won't go away.

I went to the doctor this past week on June 3rd, to do a scan of my ovaries to make sure everything looked good before we start up. We have given my body enough time to normalize and heal from all of this and are ready to do this again according to them. When I walked into the office, I was hit by all sorts of emotion and fear as I hadn't been there in a few months and I just kept thinking and I am ready. We have mapped out the month and what days I do what. Today is the first day that I take a fertility drug and I am on pins and needles. Like my nurse said that this is like falling off a horse and you have to get back on to move on. I know that she is right that if I don't start up again this month, that it will be even harder next month. I am just going to try stay calm and relaxed and use writing as a way of getting all of my feelings out. I hope that when this DOES work this month, that someday our child realizes how much we went through and dealt with to have him or her.