Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I have never posted twice in a day but I want to remember this moment forever as it is the first time I heard Chris say something about the positive pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong he smiles and he is thrilled and has dreams but this was so touching.  One of his buddies sent him a text and I said I saw on Facebook that he is going to be a dad in which he looks at me and smiles and says so am I. Then he rubbed my belly and rolled back over to go to sleep.  I now have tears running down my cheek.  This is more than real!!  We are going to be parents!! Amazing!!! Thank you God!

Monkey Off My Back

Went for my beta and I can now say that I am pregnant as my numbers are increasing as they should.  When I read the email and saw my number and how close it was to 1000, I started crying and shaking.  I can honestly say that the monkey is off my back!  I am so ready to see the ultrasound next week and see if there is one or two.  I am now going to take a nap and relax.  I am one happy girl or little momma as my friends are calling me!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Pregnant...With Bad Memories

I don't think the fact that I am pregnant has really and truly hit me just yet.  Yes, I feel pregnant and I really and truly believe that everything is happening the way it should be, but there are memories playing in the back of my head that are making me feel insecure.  The last time I was pregnant, I was so happy.  I remember going in for beta 1 and hearing the confirmation that I was pregnant.  Then came beta 2 and I heard that my number doubled and things were looking more than great.  Then came beta 3 and 4 where I heard that the hormone level was slowing down and not doubling which lead to my horrific miscarriage.  I know with that pregnancy I have no idea on what quality of embryo I had and how fertilization took place.  This time though I know that we put in 100% grade A embryos that couldn't have been better.  Why is it that I can't put those memories out of my head!  I know that that this time my beta hormone test showed that things tripled which is more than good, but in the back of my head I want another beta test just to show that things are really good.  I think I am so scared that I am going to lose this baby or babies.  I talked to one of my amazing nurses today and they scheduled me another beta test for tomorrow just to give me peace of mind.  I know in my head that things are fine, but the memories in my heart are killing me.  I want this so bad and I really and truly believe it is meant to be, but I just can't focus.  Who knows if I will go for the beta test tomorrow or not.  I know that I have another week until my ultrasound to see firsthand what is developing and to have some sort of peace of mind will help.  Tonight I will talk to my husband and pray in hopes that I will decide what to do.  I know that we will still have tons of people praying for us too.  I just wish for once that something on my path to motherhood would be easy. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I can't believe that I actually get to say out loud that I am pregnant.  Let me say that again as it felt so good.  I AM PREGNANT!  I went for beta 1 on Monday which was torture as I knew I wouldn't know the results until Wednesday, but after emailing my nurse a few times about some issues I was having, I started wondering when she got my results the next morning as she didn't have them run stat if she would tell me.  Sure enough on Tuesday morning right after Chris left for work at around 7:30 my home phone rang and I almost didn't answer.  I did and I hear my nurse on the other end say, "Oh my gosh did I wake you up Becky."  I said, "Kind of."  She then said, "You won't care with the news I have."  At this point I started just sobbing as I knew that all of my weird symptoms was that I was pregnant.  I don't remember much of the phone call as I was crying and shaking.  She did tell me that the way they know is that they look for a 2 or higher on the beta test to show that someone is pregnant and I was at a 28 already!  WOW!  I talked to my friend, Stef, who did IVF with Dr. Ahlering and her number on this 8th day after the transfer was a 50 and she had triplets.  I am starting to wonder if I have twins, but I am so comfortable with that.  :)  Any how, I had to call Chris and tell him the news which he couldn't even understand me I was crying and shaking so hard.  I wish he could have come home so I could have given him a big hug, but he couldn't.  I then made the decision to tell my parents.  I got ready and got there and they were both so excited, but cautious as we have been here before.  Then from there went to get my niece with my mom and told my sister in law who had the most incredible reaction as we weren't supposed to know yet.  I told a few of my closest friends and family members just to get it off of my chest.  :)  Everyone is so happy, but like I said cautious.  Today being Wednesday I went back to Quest for beta test #2 to see if our numbers doubled.  I was so nervous and have been all day until I just got the phone call saying that my number went from a 28 to an 88.  I am one happy girl!  Today we are 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  I still feel like this is a dream and someone is going to wake me up from it, but for now we are just being cautious and hopeful.  I go on July 6th for an ultrasound.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers as I truly believe that is what got us to this point and I know we aren't done yet.  For now just going to enjoy this wonderful moment!  I AM PREGNANT!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


With this post all I am asking is for lots of prayers right now.  We are both so excited and nervous about our possibilities.  Please pray for our miracle!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Optimistically Negative

A friend of mine talked to me today that has done this IVF thing a few times and made me feel MUCH better about everything.  Everything I am feeling is normal according to her which is nice to know.  The constant pressure I have that either my period is coming or I have to pee is normal and I just need to relax as you have this through your whole pregnancy.  The pains and cramps are normal too even though I still am not positive on that one.  That sharp pain that doubled me over yesterday sure didn't feel normal.  My emotions being through the roof and the fights I am having with my husband are more than normal.  :)  Chris and I had a doozy of one last night about all of this as I am so negative and he is so positive that I am pregnant.  Every time I cry or get emotional he is like you are pregnant and I just want to slap him.  I wanted him to realize that this might not have worked and then what will we do.  We finally agreed to disagree until this morning when he left for work and he gave me a hug and told me that he has been thinking.  He said that the good thing is that we know it isn't either one of our faults that we haven't got pregnant as my eggs did develop into two perfect embryo blastocysts and his sperm counts are still through the roof which means it will work for us.  What I wanted to say is yeah the problem is just when you put them back in my body and try to get my body to carry them, but I didn't say that.  So then he said what Dr. Ahlering keeps telling us which is "Good Stuff" when it comes to everything we are doing which in turn means he believes in us too.  (My hubs thinks our doctor looks like Steve Gutenburg, but I disagree.)  Any how, so I said to him so where do we go from here if this didn't work...are we done trying after this?  When do we say enough is enough since we have spent almost 50 grand on everything through the years?  He said we will tackle that when it happens, but we aren't done.  It was nice to hear him say that he isn't going to hold it against me if it doesn't work.  I guess that is my biggest fear right now with my high emotional state that he isn't going to want to be with me if we can't have a child.  I know that he does and we are in this together, but I feel inadequate.  Does anyone else ever feel that way like it is our fault for not making this happen?  So today my emotions are high on this Father's Day as I spent the day with my family and I know that they want this so bad for us, but I am so scared I am going to let them down as I know my mom wants grandchildren from her daughter and my sister in law wants to be an aunt.  They got on to me for being negative too and of course brought on the waterworks.  I just wish people understood this is my way of dealing with this as I have been through so much on this journey and I don't want a broken heart on Wednesday, but if I just prepare myself for the worst and I get the better news it will be even sweeter.  I still don't know what I think, but I have a new way of looking at things these next three days...  Optimistically Negative.  I am still hopeful in my heart and head, but I am still being negative.  Honestly being negative lets me function easier and not think about it 24/7.  Any how, the song Final Countdown just came on and that really and truly describes how I feel...we are counting down.  3 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need lots of patience and prayers right now and I need to keep my emotions in check.  LOL...I can dream, right.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Breakdown Again

Tonight I just feel so emotional about everything.  I am so ready for next week to get here and get these blood tests over with and know something, but on the flip side am I really ready to hear the news either way.  I am scared out of my mind.  I am normally not an emotional person like this, but I can't get ahold of my emotions tonight.  Like I have said before is it all of the hormones I am on or is something going on.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Today I had some sharp pains and then some tightness.  I am tired of analyzing and just need some answers, but then that takes me back to am I ready to hear the results.  Hopefully I can get through the weekend and accept whatever I hear next week.  Me being the planner I am, I need to figure out what we are going to do if we hear the dreaded words.  Chris gets so angry at me, but that is the realist in me even though I think I am.  If you can't tell I am going nuts.  I am hoping and praying with all of my might for the news we want and that there are two beautiful babies growing in me right now.  I also told God that we put this in his hands along time ago and reminded him of that that we have been patient and feel like he led us on this path and why would he do that if we were only going to be disappointed.  Any how, signing off, but needed to vent.  Night!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Waiting......Waiting.....Need Some Patience

Right now I need to be asking for some patience in my life as this 10 day wait to find out if my embryos took is starting to drive me nuts.  Let me rephrase that, I am nuts now.  It is all I can think about.  Everyone said that this was worse than all of the injections and I was like nah, there is no way, but now I am thinking they were right.  It would help if I had something to do like work to take my mind off of things, but I don't.  Instead I am just sitting on the couch per doctor's orders after my scare the other day.  BORING!  I thought yesterday was never going to end.  I don't understand how I have all of the patience in the world with my kindergarteners, but when it comes to this I am about to rip my hair out.  Then on top of that not being able to sleep is starting to not help.  This morning I was up at 4am with nausea and that was a new one.  I ate some crackers in bed with some gatorade and then dozed back off for a bit and had amazing dreams about our twins.  I really feel like I have to be pregnant as we were led on this path and everything happens for a reason.  I never would have done IVF and went to this new doctor in St. Louis if I wouldn't have become friends with the triplets mom this year and found out about him.  Then the moving to 2nd grade is telling me that the kindergarteners coming in are going to be rough and I don't need that stress at all.  I am trying to look at everything so positive and that just helps me to keep the faith.  Everyone asks me if I have symptoms and of course I do are you not realizing all of the hormones I am pumping into my body.  I had a breakdown last night after Chris went to bed and just lost it.  It is so easy to do.  I am not the crying type, but lately I am.  We have so much invested in this and I am not accepting failure.  I just have to keep telling myself this for 6 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHH I really need some patience right now.  I can do this...RIGHT?!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

BAD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am having a rough day and feel like I am about to snap.  This morning woke up feeling good after having some cramping and thinking these babies are implanting.  Any how, went to acupuncture this morning as I want to do everything I can to make sure this works as I NEVER want to do this again.  Acpuncture was incredible and I seriously felt the energy in my uterus as she put in needles to make me carry the babies and not miscarry.  I felt fantastic during it and so relaxed.  I knew laying there I had to be pregnant.  I left there and went to have lunch with my sister in law and nieces before heading home to my couch, my hubs doesn't know this part.  Lunch was great and I even splurged and had caffeine for the first time in a week.  When we were paying I started having a hot flash and not feeling well.  I was like this isn't fun.  Got in the car to drive home and was burning up.  Made a quick stop and when I was leaving there I was feeling I am going to get sick I am so hot and my vision was starting to mess with me.  Drove to my parents that was right around the block and my mom came to the door to find me crying, not being able to see too much, and bright red.  I laid on her bed and she immediately got me a cold compress and turned on the fan.  This went on a while and then we took my temp which was up to 99 which my normal is 96.  Called my doctor and she was concerned, but said she hasn't heard about people having issues like this.  She told me she thinks I must be dehydrated and told me bedrest the next few days.  She said that she doesn't think it is the hormone meds as I have been on them for a week now.  WHO KNOWS!  She did say that it could be in reaction that something is going on with the babies.  I am so scared ladies.  I am hoping that I didn't harm these babies some how.  Then I asked her about my other embys to find out that they only hit a quality of 55 out of 100 and weren't freezable.  I just wanted to lose it at this point,  Then she brought up that the two we put in were 100's and the top and some of the best she has seen.  I am just freaking out.  Also, did I forget to mention that one of my former students died today too.  It has been a day and I am hoping and praying that everything is ok.  I am now on the couch with a horrible headache still trying to think positively.  So scared....  Please pray for me as right now something is up. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Our Blastocysts

We are finally home and I wanted to post the two pictures from yesterday of the blastocysts that we transferred in and of them going in.  Science is amazing is all I have to say.  My mom is teasing that they both look like boys and my sister in law says one looks like a happy face.  Feeling pretty good today for the day after transfer with some cramping which I hope is the baby's attaching. 

The Two Babies!!!!

The arrow shows where they went.  It was so cool watching on the screen!

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Today was the day of our transfer and I was more nervous today than I was the other day as I didn't know what to expect. We put in two healthy 5 day blastocysts!!! They looked great!

The transfer went great and all is good. I am now on bedrest and going to enjoy this time watching funny stupid movies with the husband. We will find out next week with our beta tests if we are pregnant!!! Actually I am right now but I just need to stay that way! It is all in Gods hands and I know we have so many people cheering and rooting for us!!! Life is great!!!

Friday, June 10, 2011

NO WAY!!!!!

You won't believe this!!! We still have 9 healthy embryos and they are growing and dividing like they should. The doctor is more than happy. We are scheduled for a transfer on Sunday at 8:45 and we will talk then about how many to put in.  I really don't know what I will do on Sunday, but I know that God won't give me more than I can handle.  I told my nurse that this is huge as I was told I had bad eggs and would never be a mom.  The whole time I was on the phone I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  I can't believe this is happening.  We are so close!  I also asked about the pain that I am still having and she said we will monitor it but it is probably normal even though I am more swollen then I was on Tuesday.  I don't think the pain will bother me today as I have a permanent smile on my face  My friends are calling me "OctoGemp" which is too funny.  My dad who had surgery this week and is on some serious morphine actually thinks we will transfer all of them.  LOL...I am not that nuts.  Today is a great day and I am going to enjoy this day and get ready for Sunday!  Thanks for all of the prayers and support.  I know that is honestly what is getting us through this!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011


Tonight was our first Progesterone in Oil injection in the butt.  I was a wreck as was the hubs  He got the needle ready and I tried icing the area.  For those of you that don't know this medicine is thick and you have to be cautious with it.  Once he got the needle ready, we had to pop the needle off and put on a bigger needle.  It brought tears to his eyes as he knew there was no way he could poke me with that and saw my reaction.  It was enough to even make us call the pharmacy as we were scared, but like I thought I was right and we had to use this almost 2 inch needle.  I got a pep talk from a friend that has been through this and knew I could do it.  I just laid there and cried, but honestly it didn't hurt to bad going in.  The massaging the area and heating the area afterwards will hopefully keep the medicine from knotting up or I will be one sore woman tomorrow.  I just can't get over how wonderful my husband was and how cautious he was with me.  I am just glad we don't have to do another one until Saturday night.  THANK GOD! 

On another note, Chris gave me another gift tonight that brought tears to my eyes and it wasn't my hormones fault this time.  One of the guys from work called to see how our past few days went and I actually got to hear him tell this guy about our 9 embryos and hear how excited he was.  If you don't know Chris wouldn't let me use to word egg years ago and now he can talk openly about it.  Just being a little fly on the wall and listening to him was the greatest gift.  I know that some of his friends have been teasing him some, but honestly they wouldn't tease him if they really didn't care.  I know it bugs him to a point, but all of this has just made us stronger.  I am really and truly blessed to have such a wonderful and caring husband.  :) 

I just hope that tomorrow when we get the updated embryo report it will be more good news.  I am also helping that some of my pain will go away tomorrow.  I am still very uncomfortable and I am noticing even more bloating and swelling.  I hurt especially when I sit up, but I will take all of this if it gives me what I want.  :)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Lots of Embryos!!!

I just got the call that out of my eggs that all 10 were mature and we now have 9 embryos!!!! I am so excited to say the least. We will get another report on Friday!!! I don't even care I am in pain right now!!! Giddy!!!! I am still praying and hoping they keep growing!!! Life is great!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I just woke up and thought I would send post a message letting you know I am alive. Surgery went well from what I remember. The worst part was the IV and my vein bursting twice and my getting sick from it. They were worried as my bp dropped and I was white as a ghost. The actual surgery they found 10 eggs in my 12 follicles. They will call me tomorrow and let me know how many embryos I have. We Are scheduled for transfer on Sunday now. Best part of today was they gave me my first PIO shot while I was under. My nurse said she owed me. I am still tired and in pain so sleeping rest of day. Haven't heard anything about my dads surgery. What a day but I know this is going go work. Sorry if this jumbled but still a bit loopy.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Nervous wreck right now. We just got back to St Louis and scheduled for my egg retrieval surgery in the morning. I hav a feeling it is going to be a long night as I am just to nervous to sleep. Don't get me wrong as I am excited too but just really ready to get past his step and on to the next. Please pray not only for me but my dad who is also having surgery tomorrow in having his 2nd knee replacement. My poor mom... I just know tomorrow will be great but ready for 8am to roll around sooner than later.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I was so nervous again today as I didn't want to go for a scan and hear bad news.  When we got to the office, it was full of couples which just made me sad as I knew with it being the weekend, they had to be there for retrieval.  We sat there a while watching couples go back and finally it was our turn.  I got to meet my nurse that I had been in contact with for the past few months finally and she immediately put me at ease.  I asked her a couple of questions and then I knew everything would be fine.  She said that there are 50 couples that are doing IVF my cycle and that isn't including the people that are doing various other procedures where they are thawing embryo's and other things.  She said that they were doing like 13 retrievals today and 18 tomorrow.  I said am I the only one that is behind and she said no.  :)  This made me feel more than at ease and actually put a smile on my face.  Everything is going to be ok.  Then the doctor came in and finally I heard the words today that I wanted to hear...your eggs and follicles are large enough!  WOO HOO!  I couldn't believe my ears.  The eggs that were too small yesterday had matured over night.  :)  I have three large eggs on my right side and 9 on my left side in which the smallest is a 14 which they think will continue to grow.  I wanted to cry when I was hearing all of this.  I looked over and Chris's face and he was smiling.  Dr. Ahlering was more than pleased and said we have a plan now.  He said that we would do a lot of meds tonight to increase the size of our follicles even more, then tomorrow we would do our Ovidrel trigger injection that will force ovulation, and then we are scheduled for retrieval on Tuesday morning at 8am.  :)  I couldn't be happier.  My doctor said that things are really looking good for us and he thinks we will be happy with the results.  I then brought up the topic that I never thought I would, I asked him about how many embryo's we would put back in.  We had said two, but to maybe up our chances after the way things have gone, we are considering putting back in three.  :)  I know I never thought I would do that, but at this point, who knows.  We will talk more once we see the embryos and how they develop.  I am just so happy right now as we are home for a few nights before heading back to St. Louis.  I know that we wouldn't have gotten to this point without all of the support from our amazing family and friends.  Keep the positive vibes and prayers coming as we aren't done yet, but at least we have a plan.  SO HAPPY!!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Can you say frustrated!!! I went this morning for more blood and to have another ultrasound. We had to wait an hour and a half to even be seen and to make matters worse the couples in the waiting room were there for egg retrieval and their surgery. I know that the doctor said I was behind everyone but still it just sucks. I was so positive going in that they would say trigger shot tonight and surgery Sunday, but no I didn't hear that. Instead I saw that I still have double digits on the large follicles but they are not big enough still. My largest is measuring at an 18 and most of the others are around a 12. I was so bummed and I am sure he could see it as I cried after he left. He kept saying this is good and we are on the ring path, but so frustrating is all I have to say. We have to do lots more Gonal F tonight and have another scan tomorrow morning. Once we have that we will figure out what is next. Ring now I think we get to go home and do the trigger shot on Sunday and surgery Tuesday, but who knows. I am just trying to relax and let it happen the way it is supposed too, but t isn't easy to say the least. I just wish that something will go easy and right for us on this path. Please pray that my follicles grow and everything is still good.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I went and got my toes painted green for good luck with the fertility symbol on my big toes. They are so cute. We are about to leave for St Louis again and his time it will be great!!!  Hoping to find out retrieval is on Sunday!!!  Glass is very full!

Here is a pic of my toes...they are cuter in person.  :)