Heartbroken

Right now I am sitting here with tears running down my face with so many thoughts going through my head. I still can't believe that this month didn't work. How the hell couldn't this month work!? Everything was on our side plus some. I just knew that this was our month and that God wasn't going to let us down. How could he do this to us when he knew that this was the last hurrah for Chris and I? He knew that we were done trying after this. Why the hell doesn't he want me to be a mom and Chris to be a dad? I am filled with such emotion and rage, I am not even sure how to express it. Where do we go from here? Do I just give up on my dream of becoming a mom? I can't deal with this heartache any more. The way I feel right now no one should ever feel. I know that Chris has been the most supportive husband and has really opened up through out all of this and now what. I am just lost and looking for a sign or something on what to do. I know right now that I need lots of time off just to find me again as I think I have lost myself in all of this. I am not sure who I am any more. I do know that all of this has made me a stronger person and opened my eyes to so much, but I just don't get why I am being put through this. I don't want to talk about this to any of you right now and hope that you can respect this. I just really need to be left alone and figure out things for myself. I just can't image coming to terms of never being a mom. Chris said earlier maybe it will happen once we stop all of this, but I know in my heart that won't happen after what the doctor told me. Any how, I will write more when I feel up to it, but right now just respect my wishes...