Memories and Remembering Good Bye

Luckily today a wise friend told me that the way I am feeling right now is normal.  This Monday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  Will I ever forget that date?  I don't think I will.  I will never forget finding out I was pregnant and hearing the due date.  I thought what an incredible birthday gift for my mom.  I remember thinking no more holidays of just Chris and I, but we would actually be a family.  It was the greatest feeling, but then almost 10 weeks later, our hopes and dreams came tumbling down.  Since that time, we have been told nothing more than bad news.  I really thought that I would be a mom by now and prove everyone wrong, but no.  I think that is why the birthday of this baby really hits me.  I know that some people think I am crazy to feel this way and that I need to move on, but the women who have been in my shoes tell me it is normal to feel this way and it is still to new.  I remember how hard this day was last year, but with the help of my friends and my husband, we got through it.  I just need to get through Monday which will consist of working with my kids, my colleagues, and then acupuncture.  I was hoping for a night out with the girls too, but that isn't going to happen.  I just need to be strong, but let my emotions out.  May God give Chris and I the strength to endure this day, but also help heal our hearts from the heartache that we have.

Heavy Heart of Memories

I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized.  Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was.  I then knew I was going to get sick.  I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick.  I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine.  A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time.  I was pretty close to the same time even.  I am now home and emotional.  I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body. 

Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having.  I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did.  I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back.  I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered.  I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready.  Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do.  I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more.  However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again,  I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me.  I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment.  I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either.  I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better. 

I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest.  Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it.  I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need.  Right now I need lots of strength and prayers.  I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on.  Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help.  I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.

Pain

Right now it feels as if my heart is being yanked out all over again for some reason. I thought the due date for the baby I lost was hard, but for some reason the happiness and then nightmare at this time last year is playing out in my head even more. Has it really been a year since getting the injections into my hipbones to kill my hormones and the baby! Unreal... When I think about that and then everything that happened afterwards, it seems surreal. I am really having a hard time with just focusing right now on anything but that. I know that the next few weeks will be that way as my pregnancy really wasn't over for another 3 weeks when I had surgery to find out if my tube was bursting as I had passed the baby, but the pain was still there in full force. I really wish I had started this blog back then and was able to go back and reflect on my feelings. Maybe it would help me right now or then again maybe it would just remind me of the pain and heartache. I remember just sitting at my computer playing an online game over and over to just try to escape the reality of the whole thing. I remember that and how much weight I dropped. Right now I don't feel like talking about any of this and just keep wondering am I ever going to be a mom. I really need to find someone that did IVF that I know that had luck and is telling me to go for it. I just need that little push to keep me going. Right now I am thinking of throwing myself back into the gym scene to take my mind off of things. I am still holding out for a miracle and would love to prove my doctor wrong. Prayers would be great right now...

Emotions

One year ago last Sunday was the day that I found out I was pregnant followed by the week where Chris and I were on cloud 9 about finally being pregnant. WOW...has it really been a year. It just seems impossible it was a year ago at this time that my dream coming true turned into a nightmare that we couldn't escape. When I think about it, I really get angry and upset as afterwards is when I was told you will be pregnant again in no time and next Mother's Day you will really be celebrating being a mom. It is so hard to say those words or even read those words. Am I really only destined to remember this one big loss and never have the high of having my own. Those words really sting when you think about it. Right now IVF is the plan, but do I really want to do it, no. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't met one single person that it has worked for. With IUI, I knew tons of people that had been in my shoes and had success. I guess right now the plan is just to keep saving and fighting on with this adventure. I have waited almost 5 years of trying to be a mom, what is a few more.

Today is the Day

Dear God,

Today is the day that Chris and my baby should of come into this world. You and I both know that it has taken me a long time to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be, but I will always have a special place for that baby in my heart and will never forget this date. Knowing that I was carrying a baby inside me, was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing that would of been better is carrying it to term and becoming a mom.

I hope that you know that through all of this, I still haven't figured out what it is that Chris and I are to do to become parents. We both have called upon you so many times just like the bible says and have waited for you to help us out. We are both at the end of our rope on this and just wish we could be informed on what it is that we are to do. God don't count us out on becoming parents and please give us the chance to have a baby naturally without invitro or adoption. We aren't bad people and would be the greatest parents in the world.

God thank you for everything that you have given us. I hope that you can give us both the strength that we need today to get through and try to move on. Please look after our family.

Amen...

THE NIGHTMARE THAT WOULDN'T END!

On March 23rd, is when I was given the injections to terminate the pregnancy. On March 30th, I had blood work drawn to check my levels and they were finally dropping. I knew that things were slowly working, but to be honest I was at my emotional breaking point and ready to move on with my life. I had no appetite, a husband that didn't want to talk about any of this, colleagues that wanted to talk about what I was going through when I wasn't able to without crying, and I felt alone. During this time I just couldn't help to think why me!? I know that isn't the greatest thing to think as this happens to so many people, but with the road I have been on and then to feel like God was toying with my feelings and emotions. I wasn't sure I could do any of this again.

On that Thursday, April 2nd, I was in my classroom when I started having major pains and contractions. I knew then that I needed to get home as I knew what was coming next. Luckily my mom came and got me as I was in no shape to drive home. The doctor called me in some drugs and I just had to wait for the baby to finally miscarry. Finally, after lots of pain and contractions on Sunday, April 5th, I miscarried the baby. I was so sad and relieved thinking that this might finally be over, but for some reason I was still having lots of pain and trouble sitting up and no bleeding.

On Monday, I was supposed to go out for blood work, but instead I called and said I think I need to be seen now and told them about my pain. They said that they wanted to see me now. I called my mom and luckily she could go with me as I didn't know what was going on. Once there and after an examination, my doctor was thinking that my tube was about to burst and in less than a half an hour, I was in surgery having an emergency D&C and laproscopic surgery. Chris barely got out there as they were finishing my IV at Overland Park Regional to give me a kiss before I was wheeled into surgery. That is the last thing I remember until I woke up in recovery to have a nurse tell me that they took my appendix. I looked at her and told her that she had the wrong patient. I guess she was right though as I was told that it wasn't just my tube that was causing all the pain, but my appendix. My doctor also did find tissue that hadn't miscarried that was part of the problem as well. All I have to say is that any time something is out of the norm, it is me. I got home on that day and felt better that this whole thing was finally over. Yes, I had lots of pain and I was still angry, but I knew that my nightmare was winding down. Now I had the rest of the week off to recover and reflect. The worst part is that this really did a number on Chris and he was just convinced that on that day he was going to lose me. You know I wasn't to sure myself what was happening as I remember signing all of the papers when I checked into surgery and them asking about my will, if I wanted them to resuscitate me if something went wrong, next of kin, etc. It just really makes you think about life.

WOW TO NIGHTMARE

I don't think I could of been any happier about being pregnancy. The glow that everyone talks about that people get when they are pregnant, I had it. :) On that Monday, I had to go have blood drawn to check my levels. My progesterone came back high and my HCG was at a 70. I went back on Wednesday to have them checked again as the HCG was supposed to double or increase by 1/2 and it came back at a 111. On Friday when I went my level had gone up to a 171 and the doctors were concerned that something was wrong with the baby. My heart dropped and I was terrified.

Chris and I told my parents the news on that Saturday and it was a happy, but sad time. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when I told her, but of course we had to tell them that there was probably something wrong with the baby, but we were all hopeful still. On Monday I had more blood work done to check my levels. It was the longest day waiting to hear what my numbers had gone up to. When the call came in, it was only a 224. Instantly my heart broke as I knew I was going to lose this baby.

On Thursday Chris and I went to the doctor to do an ultrasound to see the baby and see what is going on. I will never forget how scared I was and how hard I was squeezing Chris's hand. The look on the ultrasound wasn't good. We could see something in the uterus, but it wasn't as big as it should be for the numbers I had. My doctor then thought that maybe it was ectopic. At this point, my doctor wasn't sure what to do as if you aren't careful in how you handle the situation, I could get hurt and die. That was a nice thought wasn't it. All I remember Dr. Brabec saying is that this is common and that 1 out of 4 women miscarry and the chances of this happening again are slim. My Dr then decided that we would see if this baby would miscarry on its own over the weekend and I would come back on Monday. If it didn't, we would be looking into terminating the pregnancy by injections into my hip bones or surgery. When I left there with Chris on that day, my heart was broken and I didn't know what to think or do. Why is it that everything that happens to us, has to be out of the norm and more complicated. I was just sick at my stomach and wasn't sure how I was going to get through this nightmare. Here I wanted nothing more to be pregnant and now that I am, I wanted this whole thing over.

On Monday, I went back out there and did more blood work and another ultrasound. Once again my numbers kept going up, but they were NO where near where they needed to be. The sac in my uterus looked about the same. It was then decided that I would come back after lunch to have injections into my hipbones that would cause the baby to miscarry on its own and I wouldn't have to have surgery. When Chris and I went back, it was one of the most horrible things in the world. You are already upset as I felt like I was killing my baby that I wanted more than anything and it was more needles which I already have a fear of. Feeling that cold liquid enter into my system was one of the weirdest feelings I have ever had. I was told that this drug would shot off the hormones to the baby and cause it to miscarry on it's own as my hormone levels dropped. It could be weeks to a month for this to happen and I would have to have more blood work done every week to check my levels to make sure that they were dropping. I do know one thing that was dropping at this point and that was my heart, my weight, and my energy. I felt so alone and scared and felt like I had no where to turn even though I knew I had my friends and family supporting me through this horrible ordeal. When will this nightmare be over.