Emotional Pain

I have been doing better than I thought I would lately with the whole fertility thing lately until today. Today was my first family Christmas get together with my family from Springfield. I was so excited about them coming and could hardly wait for them to get here. Tonight was great at dinner with just talking and laughing. After that we opened a few presents. My niece Ava was definitely putting on a show and being her usual self, but I didn't expect my other niece's first Christmas to hit me as hard as it did. I was just sitting on the sofa watching and listening to my brother say that they needed to take a picture as it was Bellas first Christmas and first Christmas present. As I just sat there and watched, I felt a flood of emotion overcome me and I knew that I needed to be alone. I went upstairs and just cried. I remember when Chris and I found out that we were pregnant back in February that one of the first things that came to both of our heads is that we wouldn't feel awkward and be alone on the holidays any more. It is so hard to watch other people especially my brother with his daughter on the holidays when that is what we want more than anything. Any how, I was just thinking that this would of been our babies first Christmas and we would of been doing the same thing. Then I started thinking I can't do this the rest of my life. I have to be a mom someday, I just have too. God is going to have to hear our prayers sometime soon and grant them. As much as we want our own child with our flesh and blood, I would adopt a baby at this point as well. I know that this next week is going to be just as hard and I am just ready for the holiday season to pass. I know that this is selfish, but I just need this pain in my heart to stop. I know that my family understands how I feel and the pain that I have, but no one knows unless they have been in my shoes which none of them have. Please let me get through this next week without any more breakdowns or tears. Lastly, please let this be the last Christmas that I spend without a child.