Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Making A Decision

I am just going to put one statement for now and will elaborate later on it. Chris and I have decided to give IVF a go! Don't get me wrong I am still very hesitant about it and know that this is our last chance at full filling our dreams. I know that the whole process won't be easy, but nothing I have done over this past year has been easy. We are going to pay off a few things first and then start our fund. It probably won't happen until June or July of 2011, but at least we now have a plan of action for sure. We are still hopeful that something might happen on its own, but I feel great now that we know what we are going to do and are in agreement. YEAH!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Positive Thinking

Today is Christmas and it was a much easier day than I thought it would be. Chris and I both were dreading the day even though it is a special day that we normally look forward too. I am not going to write much, but tonight when Chris and I finally did our gift exchange as the snowstorm and blizzard caused us to stay at my parents house last night, he of course was very sweet and sentimental. He said that the one gift I want is one that can't be bought and it is the one thing that we both want. He added that 2010 will be a year of positive thinking and doing everything in our will power to make this things happen on the baby front. Maybe he is right and that is all we need to do, but right now only time will tell. Of course tears were shed between the two of us and then he gave me my diamond earrings. I have the greatest and most supportive husband in the world. I love him with all of my heart. When the time comes he will make the greatest dad in the world. Today I watched him play with my 4 year old niece and it just melted my heart. I think he had more fun than she did. Someday he will be able to give that love to our own child. In closing, Merry Christmas and let the positive thinking and will power overtake us.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Emotional Pain

I have been doing better than I thought I would lately with the whole fertility thing lately until today. Today was my first family Christmas get together with my family from Springfield. I was so excited about them coming and could hardly wait for them to get here. Tonight was great at dinner with just talking and laughing. After that we opened a few presents. My niece Ava was definitely putting on a show and being her usual self, but I didn't expect my other niece's first Christmas to hit me as hard as it did. I was just sitting on the sofa watching and listening to my brother say that they needed to take a picture as it was Bellas first Christmas and first Christmas present. As I just sat there and watched, I felt a flood of emotion overcome me and I knew that I needed to be alone. I went upstairs and just cried. I remember when Chris and I found out that we were pregnant back in February that one of the first things that came to both of our heads is that we wouldn't feel awkward and be alone on the holidays any more. It is so hard to watch other people especially my brother with his daughter on the holidays when that is what we want more than anything. Any how, I was just thinking that this would of been our babies first Christmas and we would of been doing the same thing. Then I started thinking I can't do this the rest of my life. I have to be a mom someday, I just have too. God is going to have to hear our prayers sometime soon and grant them. As much as we want our own child with our flesh and blood, I would adopt a baby at this point as well. I know that this next week is going to be just as hard and I am just ready for the holiday season to pass. I know that this is selfish, but I just need this pain in my heart to stop. I know that my family understands how I feel and the pain that I have, but no one knows unless they have been in my shoes which none of them have. Please let me get through this next week without any more breakdowns or tears. Lastly, please let this be the last Christmas that I spend without a child.