Lately I feel like I have hit the biggest wall of frustration. The reason behind all of this frustration is a combination of so many people and events including all of the drama with my family, but of course the biggest is the ongoing battle with infertility.
Being late this month and having symptoms was the biggest contributor. You know that you don't want to get your hopes up, but it is so easy to do it. I just keep wondering with each day and no spotting, could this be, could I really be pregnant? Then the spotting started a few days later. Now here it is Wednesday and I am cramping so hard, but haven't really started. I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with my body. I am so tired of being patient and hearing everyone tell me that I just need to relax. I hate to tell all of you that isn't the problem. There is seriously something with my body that doesn't want me to get pregnant and I am convinced of that. I don't know what it is and either do the doctors, but it is something. This something has caused me so much grief and emotion that isn't right. I am angry and just want to scream about it. I honestly feel right now as if I am not supposed to be able to carry a child. I know that is a horrible thing to think and feel, but no one has told me differently in the 5 years we have been trying. Yes, we know I can get pregnant, but can I carry it, who knows. I lost one for sure that we know of and there were other times that I just wouldn't take a test after being late to find out. I am really sick and tired of this roller coaster that I am on and I want off. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that it is ok, get off, stop trying, but no one would dare say that to me as they know being a mom is everything I want and more. I just don't know where to turn or where to go right now.
Yes, we have options on becoming parents, but which path do I take. How do I know what is right for us? Do we go to a 2nd doctor? Do we do IVF? Do we find a surrogate? Do we adopt? Chris and I have talked about all of these and we just don't know what to do any more. He is even at the point that he doesn't believe in God and say is praying is pointless and it is all science. I know that he doesn't mean it, but he is saying it because he is frustrated and he is tired of not having any control on our destiny. I think that is what bothers us the most. We are in control of so many things in our life and this is one thing we have no control over and it sucks. I wish I knew a better word to use, but that is the only one I can think of that truly describes how I feel right now. Life sucks and it is so unfair. The one good thing that has come from all of this, is that Chris and I are so close and get closer with each day. Yes, we argue and fight about all of this, but we both just want the same end result and he doesn't want me to endure any more physical pain. I am really lucky to have such a wonderful husband with all of this.
I have so many wonderful friends that would be excellent parents and they are in the same boat as us. Yes, their circumstances are different as everyone's body is different, but they have the same hurt. Then you have these yahoos that get pregnant that don't want the child, the state takes care of the child, and the child gets mistreated. Why....why would God give those people a child and not someone wonderful like Chris and I or any of my infertile friends. I hate it. I have had all of this bottled up and now it is all coming unleashed as I am more than angry. Where do Chris and I go from here, who knows?
Like I said we have options, but at this point neither one of us are in a place to make a decision on those options. Then on top of that we don't have the funds to even begin to start one of these paths. I guess we will just save as we both keep getting older and life keeps passing us by. Meanwhile I will put on my happy face and act like everything is ok.
I love being a teacher and get such joy from those kids and their parents, but I feel like such an outsider in their world. What do I mean by that? I have some of the greatest friends in the world that have been there for me through all of this, but when we get together with the kids or even just for a girls night, I feel like an outsider. I feel like I don't really belong. Here they share the greatest thing on earth of being parents and I am just married. You know feeling this way is probably the way some of my friends felt after I got married and they were still single. You kind of feel like a third wheel to the whole situation. I hate that I feel this way, but it is the reality Hell I even feel this way at family functions or playing with my nieces and nephew that I love.. More and more of my friends that are without child, are now becoming parents leaving me in the dust. I know that Chris and I can't go through life without having our own child. So that just puts us back to the beginning on where the hell do I go from here.
If you are reading this, don't be surprised, if I don't want to talk about any of this. I really wanted to write this to vent all of my frustrations right now before I implode. I will be ok eventually, but right now I just need time to think and sort out all of Chris and my feelings. Like I said before...I couldn't get through life without all of my amazing friends, "sistas", and family, but just know I love you guys and I feel your support. Just bear with me during this crazy time.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Lately I feel as if my wishes and dreams are just within my reach, but I can't reach them. I am not sure what is bringing on these feelings, but our month of July hasn't started off good as usual. We have been on the road lately saying good-bye to Chris's Nana in Mississippi. She passed literally a year to the date that Papa did last year. Emotions have been high as has stress in the family and between Chris and I. I keep hearing her voice in my head telling Chris and I that she would give up her life for us to have a child and that is what she had been telling God. Nana was a very spiritual person and talking to God and sharing his word was something she did numerous times a day. When Chris and I started thinking about that and the fact that I should be ovulating, it made us both not want to even attempt conception this month. I think he would of felt guilty and it would of creeped him out if we would of by some miracle had luck. Then on top of that it has hit me that the end of my summer days are ticking away as are my chances of conception over the summer when stress was gone. I really just don't know what to do. Between all of that and hearing that yet another good friend is pregnant, I am just sad. I know that the doctor said that I will have days like this, but today for some reason it has really hit me to the point I cancelled plans with friends as I just want to be by myself. I know that doesn't sound good, but I just need to sort things out.