Optimistically Negative

A friend of mine talked to me today that has done this IVF thing a few times and made me feel MUCH better about everything.  Everything I am feeling is normal according to her which is nice to know.  The constant pressure I have that either my period is coming or I have to pee is normal and I just need to relax as you have this through your whole pregnancy.  The pains and cramps are normal too even though I still am not positive on that one.  That sharp pain that doubled me over yesterday sure didn't feel normal.  My emotions being through the roof and the fights I am having with my husband are more than normal.  :)  Chris and I had a doozy of one last night about all of this as I am so negative and he is so positive that I am pregnant.  Every time I cry or get emotional he is like you are pregnant and I just want to slap him.  I wanted him to realize that this might not have worked and then what will we do.  We finally agreed to disagree until this morning when he left for work and he gave me a hug and told me that he has been thinking.  He said that the good thing is that we know it isn't either one of our faults that we haven't got pregnant as my eggs did develop into two perfect embryo blastocysts and his sperm counts are still through the roof which means it will work for us.  What I wanted to say is yeah the problem is just when you put them back in my body and try to get my body to carry them, but I didn't say that.  So then he said what Dr. Ahlering keeps telling us which is "Good Stuff" when it comes to everything we are doing which in turn means he believes in us too.  (My hubs thinks our doctor looks like Steve Gutenburg, but I disagree.)  Any how, so I said to him so where do we go from here if this didn't work...are we done trying after this?  When do we say enough is enough since we have spent almost 50 grand on everything through the years?  He said we will tackle that when it happens, but we aren't done.  It was nice to hear him say that he isn't going to hold it against me if it doesn't work.  I guess that is my biggest fear right now with my high emotional state that he isn't going to want to be with me if we can't have a child.  I know that he does and we are in this together, but I feel inadequate.  Does anyone else ever feel that way like it is our fault for not making this happen?  So today my emotions are high on this Father's Day as I spent the day with my family and I know that they want this so bad for us, but I am so scared I am going to let them down as I know my mom wants grandchildren from her daughter and my sister in law wants to be an aunt.  They got on to me for being negative too and of course brought on the waterworks.  I just wish people understood this is my way of dealing with this as I have been through so much on this journey and I don't want a broken heart on Wednesday, but if I just prepare myself for the worst and I get the better news it will be even sweeter.  I still don't know what I think, but I have a new way of looking at things these next three days...  Optimistically Negative.  I am still hopeful in my heart and head, but I am still being negative.  Honestly being negative lets me function easier and not think about it 24/7.  Any how, the song Final Countdown just came on and that really and truly describes how I feel...we are counting down.  3 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need lots of patience and prayers right now and I need to keep my emotions in check.  LOL...I can dream, right.

Breakdown Again

Tonight I just feel so emotional about everything.  I am so ready for next week to get here and get these blood tests over with and know something, but on the flip side am I really ready to hear the news either way.  I am scared out of my mind.  I am normally not an emotional person like this, but I can't get ahold of my emotions tonight.  Like I have said before is it all of the hormones I am on or is something going on.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Today I had some sharp pains and then some tightness.  I am tired of analyzing and just need some answers, but then that takes me back to am I ready to hear the results.  Hopefully I can get through the weekend and accept whatever I hear next week.  Me being the planner I am, I need to figure out what we are going to do if we hear the dreaded words.  Chris gets so angry at me, but that is the realist in me even though I think I am.  If you can't tell I am going nuts.  I am hoping and praying with all of my might for the news we want and that there are two beautiful babies growing in me right now.  I also told God that we put this in his hands along time ago and reminded him of that that we have been patient and feel like he led us on this path and why would he do that if we were only going to be disappointed.  Any how, signing off, but needed to vent.  Night!

Breakdown

Wow...last night was emotional.  I am not sure what exactly happened, but my hubby just snapped.  I think that he finally had enough bottled up inside regarding our journey and just lost it.  As bad as I felt that he was crying, it was nice to see as sometimes it just kills me that he doesn't open up to me on how he feels with this whole process.  I am not sure what brought all of this on last night, but it probably had to do with the fact that I had been talking to my new doctor in St. Louis and trying to coordinate things with them as I had started that day.  I don't think he was ready to hear that they wanted to see me this month as we thought that we weren't doing anything until June, but like I told him we have to do these tests to get a plan of action laid out for this June.  All he kept saying to me is we aren't bad people why is God putting us through this.  Honestly, that is the way I feel each month when I start my period.  I really wish that someone would answer that question.  We both just feel like we are punished over and over with this journey and it doesn't ever get any easier.  We both really feel as if this new path we are on with the new doctor is going to answer our prayers and dreams, but it still doesn't make it any easier getting to that point.  We are going to do these tests next month when hopefully the weather is cooperating to make the drive to St. Louis and then we will have answers on what this doctor thinks.  Are we still nervous to hear what he thinks, you bet, but his insight is only going to lead us to the end result that we want.  Like I have said before...these are just the bumps that we encounter that make us stronger.

Emotional Pain

I have been doing better than I thought I would lately with the whole fertility thing lately until today. Today was my first family Christmas get together with my family from Springfield. I was so excited about them coming and could hardly wait for them to get here. Tonight was great at dinner with just talking and laughing. After that we opened a few presents. My niece Ava was definitely putting on a show and being her usual self, but I didn't expect my other niece's first Christmas to hit me as hard as it did. I was just sitting on the sofa watching and listening to my brother say that they needed to take a picture as it was Bellas first Christmas and first Christmas present. As I just sat there and watched, I felt a flood of emotion overcome me and I knew that I needed to be alone. I went upstairs and just cried. I remember when Chris and I found out that we were pregnant back in February that one of the first things that came to both of our heads is that we wouldn't feel awkward and be alone on the holidays any more. It is so hard to watch other people especially my brother with his daughter on the holidays when that is what we want more than anything. Any how, I was just thinking that this would of been our babies first Christmas and we would of been doing the same thing. Then I started thinking I can't do this the rest of my life. I have to be a mom someday, I just have too. God is going to have to hear our prayers sometime soon and grant them. As much as we want our own child with our flesh and blood, I would adopt a baby at this point as well. I know that this next week is going to be just as hard and I am just ready for the holiday season to pass. I know that this is selfish, but I just need this pain in my heart to stop. I know that my family understands how I feel and the pain that I have, but no one knows unless they have been in my shoes which none of them have. Please let me get through this next week without any more breakdowns or tears. Lastly, please let this be the last Christmas that I spend without a child.