Life

It is officially the month of November. I can't believe it. I wish I knew what to say at this point, but I am really at a loss for words. Tonight I once again kept the light off and trick-or-treaters away. It isn't that I love the kids and their costumes, but it is just a reminder of one thing I want to be able to do with my own child. I know it sounds silly, but it is one of those little things. As I was on facebook tonight looking at people's updates, it really hit me as I saw cute pictures that people uploaded of their children dressed up. I want that so bad. I have that cute fish costume in the closet that I bought years ago in hopes that it would be used. I still have hope, but just not as much.

Lately things have been hard. There was a death on Chris's side of the family and my dad had surgery yet again. Chris and I have officially decided that this was the worst year ever with everything that has happened and that next year things have to be better. It wouldn't surprise me if one more thing goes wrong between now and then. I am more than ready for January 1st to get here and get through these next few holidays. I have a feeling that this year's holidays will be that much harder. Right now, I just need to get through November 15th.

I apologize for my choppiness in my writing, but when I get emotional kind of like I am right now, my sentences don't flow together like I would like as I am writing off the top of my head and believe me there is a lot in there right now.

Sigh....

I had to sit down and write tonight to get some serious heavy things off my chest. For one, I am spotting which makes me think that I will be starting in the next few days. I would of thought that I would be more upset than I am right now, but I am sure that will hit me later in the week. I do know that everything happened to fast this month and I ovulated a lot earlier than I thought which didn't give us a real chance. I am really hoping with the meds that I have left this month and my still stimulated ovaries that we can make this happen.

I wish I could explain how much we want this. We want this for so many reasons, but one of my reasons isn't even for myself or Chris, but for my mom and dad. I want my parents to be able to have a grandchild from their daughter. I want my parents to be an important role in my child's life. I want to be able to raise my child in the same manner I was raised by my incredible parents. I want to be able to pass on the wisdom and family traditions to my child the way my parents did for me. I want Chris to be able to carry on his blood and namesake into the future as that is something that is very important to him. I want to hear a baby call me mommy and not just on accident like my students do at school. I want to be able to celebrate the holidays and not feel so alone. I want to be woke up in the middle of the night to a baby crying that needs me. I want to provide for a child and give them everything that I have to give and more. There are so many reasons that I want a baby, but most importantly I want my family to grow and expand. I sure hope that God has heard my prayers and will help make my dreams a reality this coming month.

Emotions

I have been doing better lately and I am not sure why. I still have a husband that keeps asking me when can you do a test and talking all positively, when of course I am thinking how the hell could we get pregnant on our own this month. I would love for it to have happened and for all of this stress this past month to be for nothing. Oh what a dream come true that would be. I seriously think I would do flip flops like I was a kid again! Only another week or so and we will know, but like I said I am not expecting much.

The other day I was cleaning the "blue room" or what will eventually be my fish nursery and I saw something that did me in. Granted I have everything bought for that room and have ever since I saw the bedding at Pottery Barn Kids with all the fish on it, but when I saw the Raiders onesies hanging in the closet, it all hit me like a load of bricks. I bought those outfits when I found out I was pregnant for Chris. We have always joked that if we have a boy he is going to have a hard time choosing to root for the Raiders or the Chiefs. :) Seeing those outfits and booties just reminded me that I should be 8 months pregnant right now and 1 month from delivering. It is unreal to me to be honest with you. I think about that date and now that it is so close, I think it is more on my mind especially with the fact that we have been told more or less they are giving up on us at the fertility doctor. I just need to get through this next month and the 15th of November by doing something special on that day. Chris said that he will be fine, but I think it is going to hit him harder than he thinks. Oh wouldn't it be nice if we had a miracle by then. Please oh please God...

Twiddling My Thumbs

I have been meaning to write these past few days, but I just haven't had the heart to do it. Tonight Chris is playing video games and I am just sitting at the computer thinking. While I was in here he asked me to look up fertility foods for women and men. It isn't as if I haven't done this before, but he wants to try it on his end for the next few months which is new. He then proceeded to tell me he is convinced fried chicken is on the list for obvious reasons. He is such a dork. Any how, I have been in here looking things up and all I keep seeing is info about IUI and infertility. I will be the first to admit that I haven't been the cheeriest person lately and I actually feel that my spirits being down is what got me sick right now.

I did talk to a great friend this week and he gave me some wonderful advice. I am more than grateful for Shawn talking to me and telling me that my feelings are normal. I have decided that I need to talk to someone other than a friend or family member about my feelings. I do feel blessed that I have amazing friends that have loved me and supported me through this every step of the way, but I have so many unanswered questions and I am just questioning what I should do about everything. A lot of my questions center around how can God give a child to someone that hurts them, doesn't take care of them, and doesn't love them. I just don't get it and if I think about it too much, I think that I must be a bad person that God doesn't think deserves a child. I know those are horrible thoughts, but that is just a bit of what is bottled up inside me right now. I still keep hoping that I am going to be popped in the head with an answer to all my questions including what road I should take with all of this, but it hasn't happened yet. I do know that I need lots of time to come to a firm and clear decision though and patience is going to have to find me real soon. I just hope that things get easier in my day to day life with dealing with the possibility of not ever being a parent.

Someone told me today that if for some reason it doesn't, I have played mom to hundreds of kids through the years and will continue to do so. (It isn't what I wanted to hear in a way, but it is true.) I know that I make a difference in my students lives which is something that I treasure, but I want to have that opportunity in different facets of life too including in my home with my husband. I am going to end this with my favorite thing about my week. This week a bunch of my former boys invited me to their 8th grade football game to watch them play. It felt so weird watching them play and thinking how far they have come from the 5 year olds that I grew to love and care for. I was so proud of them. Then after the game them coming off the field and giving me a huge group hug. Even though I smelled like their sweat, it made my day as I know that I am special to those kids just like they are special to me. It is things like that, that are going to get me through these next few months. I need to end this as I am getting emotional. May God be with us and guide us as we put this in his hands years ago and know that he will lead us in the right direction.