Torn Up

Where do I start...I met with my doctor on Tuesday only to hear what I didn't want to hear. More or less Chris and I sat down with her to discuss our options which are dwindling away more and more. She first asked what we wanted to do, but that isn't happening. We told her that we wanted to take some time off to regroup and refocus before trying the shots again. She then told me taking a break is great, but no more doing the shots. She said that it was a waste of our money and will never work. I think when she said that my eyes immediately welled up with tears as I knew what was coming up next. She said that we had done a total of 8 IUI cycles and no success. We did four with the oral hormones and 4 with the oral hormones and the injections. She of course pointed out that we did get pregnant off the first round of injections, but that since that time it should of worked again and it hasn't. She then informed us that, now are you ready for this, we are candidates for Invitro. The minute those words came out of her mouth, I wanted to back the train up to over a year ago when Chris and I heard the words, "you will be an easy case and you will be pregnant in no time." Since when did I go from being an easy case to now being a candidate for the toughest and most intensive fertility treatment. To be honest at this point, I didn't know what to say and from the look of Chris's face he didn't either. I think Dr. Brabec knew we were both upset and said let me get the IVF (invitro) insurance person to come in and talk numbers with you. Immediately when she walked out the door, the tears started. I knew then that I was never going to be a mom.

When the IVF information lady came in, I am sure she could tell by my face that I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. She started off by going this is going to be a lot of money and let me break it down for you. All I remember seeing is a HUGE number in front of me and realizing that we have spent about that much this past year with all of the procedures and the miscarriage. She did say that number will probably go up depending on how many meds I need. She kept asking if we had questions, but I didn't know what to say and either did Chris. When she got done she handed me her business card and told us to think it over. She then left and my nurse Marci came in and she could tell on our faces that we weren't ready for this. She told us just to take it all in and don't make any rash decisions. We just sat there and talked for a while. When I heard what IVF was like, I was even more nervous. The low down version is daily shots, surgery to retrieve the eggs, more shots this time in the butt, inject the eggs with sperm, implant the fertilized eggs, and freeze the extra ones. That is the majority of it, but there is a lot more. When I got up to leave, it felt weird like I was leaving this place that has been a part of my dream for quite possibly my last time. I know that sounds weird, but everything felt so final. I had become so close to all the people in that office and knew them all on a first name basis and felt so comfortable there. Was I really going to give up on my dream of becoming a mom? It is so hard to think about.

Everything seems to weird right now. I haven't taken my meds at all or anything. I am going to take a fertility drug in a bit as we are going to try on our own these next few months as my ovaries are well stimulated from the three rounds of shots earlier. I would love to say that this is all going to work and all the worries about IVF was for no reason. I have every bit of my body crossed that we can make this work and we will be granted with our own miracle. No one knows how much I DO NOT want to do IVF. Even though we have been told that we have over a 60% chance of success with IVF. To be honest that would be the only thing that would convince me to do this. The average normal couple has a 20% chance each month. When it was just Chris and I on our own, we had about a 3% chance with our infertility issues. With each drug and procedure I did, my number increased. When I was doing IUI with shots, I was a little bit over 20% which gave me the same probability as a fertile couple. It is amazing that anyone gets pregnant with numbers like that. Any how, we have lots to think about and to be honest again I am really trying not to think about it as it just hard and upsetting. I really don't want to give up on becoming parents as I feel like it is all my fault that Chris and I aren't parents yet. I know that sounds bad, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to be responsible for crushing his dreams. I know it is sad isn't it.