Twiddling My Thumbs

I have been meaning to write these past few days, but I just haven't had the heart to do it. Tonight Chris is playing video games and I am just sitting at the computer thinking. While I was in here he asked me to look up fertility foods for women and men. It isn't as if I haven't done this before, but he wants to try it on his end for the next few months which is new. He then proceeded to tell me he is convinced fried chicken is on the list for obvious reasons. He is such a dork. Any how, I have been in here looking things up and all I keep seeing is info about IUI and infertility. I will be the first to admit that I haven't been the cheeriest person lately and I actually feel that my spirits being down is what got me sick right now.

I did talk to a great friend this week and he gave me some wonderful advice. I am more than grateful for Shawn talking to me and telling me that my feelings are normal. I have decided that I need to talk to someone other than a friend or family member about my feelings. I do feel blessed that I have amazing friends that have loved me and supported me through this every step of the way, but I have so many unanswered questions and I am just questioning what I should do about everything. A lot of my questions center around how can God give a child to someone that hurts them, doesn't take care of them, and doesn't love them. I just don't get it and if I think about it too much, I think that I must be a bad person that God doesn't think deserves a child. I know those are horrible thoughts, but that is just a bit of what is bottled up inside me right now. I still keep hoping that I am going to be popped in the head with an answer to all my questions including what road I should take with all of this, but it hasn't happened yet. I do know that I need lots of time to come to a firm and clear decision though and patience is going to have to find me real soon. I just hope that things get easier in my day to day life with dealing with the possibility of not ever being a parent.

Someone told me today that if for some reason it doesn't, I have played mom to hundreds of kids through the years and will continue to do so. (It isn't what I wanted to hear in a way, but it is true.) I know that I make a difference in my students lives which is something that I treasure, but I want to have that opportunity in different facets of life too including in my home with my husband. I am going to end this with my favorite thing about my week. This week a bunch of my former boys invited me to their 8th grade football game to watch them play. It felt so weird watching them play and thinking how far they have come from the 5 year olds that I grew to love and care for. I was so proud of them. Then after the game them coming off the field and giving me a huge group hug. Even though I smelled like their sweat, it made my day as I know that I am special to those kids just like they are special to me. It is things like that, that are going to get me through these next few months. I need to end this as I am getting emotional. May God be with us and guide us as we put this in his hands years ago and know that he will lead us in the right direction.