So...I am now at present day more or less and this is the main reason that I am doing this blog. I don't really care who reads this, but it is my way of moving on and dealing with the past. This is more or less just a way for me to reflect and to continue to reflect as we start up again on fertility treatments.
I know that I still want to be a mom more than anything, but the idea of starting up on all of the fertility treatments again just terrifies me. I know that my doctor said that the chances of this happening again are slim, but I can't still stop thinking about the baby that I lost and everything I have been through. Chris is excited and ready to do another round of fertility treatment and keeps trying to pump me up. I know that is what I need to be doing, but in the back of my head I have this nagging feeling that won't go away.
I went to the doctor this past week on June 3rd, to do a scan of my ovaries to make sure everything looked good before we start up. We have given my body enough time to normalize and heal from all of this and are ready to do this again according to them. When I walked into the office, I was hit by all sorts of emotion and fear as I hadn't been there in a few months and I just kept thinking and I am ready. We have mapped out the month and what days I do what. Today is the first day that I take a fertility drug and I am on pins and needles. Like my nurse said that this is like falling off a horse and you have to get back on to move on. I know that she is right that if I don't start up again this month, that it will be even harder next month. I am just going to try stay calm and relaxed and use writing as a way of getting all of my feelings out. I hope that when this DOES work this month, that someday our child realizes how much we went through and dealt with to have him or her.
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