I HAVE THE PLAN FOR OUR IVF!!!

Today has been a crazy day!  I got an email this morning saying no PCOS for sure and no Metformin.  That just started my day off.  Then after that I got my email from my IVF nurse or coordinator.  She said we are good to go and we will be in contact lots and do a phone conference real soon.  :)  Then the big shocker, she emailed me my month of May calendar with all of my drugs and dosages!  I think I went into shock when I first saw it as it was more than a bit overwhelming, but once I sat back and looked at it, things really became real.  I start drugs at the beginning of May!  WOW!  I am going to be poked more than I thought with multiple injections on days.  I have to get ready for this as I REALLY hate needles! 

I have been looking up the various drugs on here to find out what they do and side effects.  There are definitely some that I know and some new ones.  I guess I have less than a month to get my game face on for this.  I have a phone conference in two weeks once I get my packet to really iron everything out.  I love my new doctor and how they are really treating me as an individual.  I will NOT accept failure with this! 

Strength

I never thought I would go through half of the things in my life that I have.  The obstacles that I encountered these past few years just keep building me up and empowering me.  It really and truly amazes me at what a strong person I have become.  Granted with each blow it does hurt and send me on an emotional downspin, but I continue to pick myself up and try again.  I have said it time and time again that my journey is a roller coaster with so many dips and turns which really does a number on the body.  Right now I have to look at this month as a stepping stone to my body healing and moving forward.  I am not sure what else I can do, but I am going to try.  Seeing what I did today and  the way my body felt just shows me that we are getting closer.  The pain that I experienced isn't normal and I just have to keep remembering that.  Parenthood has eluded us all of these years, but I feel as if it is going to happen in the near future I just know it.  Yes, today was a rough day physically and emotionally, but I have to pick myself up and get ready for another month.

Finally Good News!!!!!!

Finally some good news that makes me want to jump for joy.  I am not even sure where to start as I have had nothing, but good news these past few days.  Nothing like a little bit of hope during the holidays to help Chris and I get through.  I have a set of triplets in my class this year that I look at each day as a miracle.  I know what their parents went through to have them and really and truly they are a gift from God.  I finally had a chance to talk to the mom and she gave me some information that I have looked into that sounds promising.  She went to all of the doctors here in KC, but either had no luck or miscarried.  She then went to a doctor in St. Louis and had success.  This doctor is one of the tops in the nation and comes very highly recommended.  On top of that he and other doctors have developed a new procedure called Micro IVF.  This procedure sounds very similar to IVF and is a 1/3 of the cost.  Chris and I talked as we are going to give it a go.  We have a consult set up for next month to meet with this doctor.  The hope that this doctor gives me is incredible.  It has had me on cloud nine since last Tuesday when we made the decision to go forward.  I know that we have lots of time until this would happen, but it will make the time pass and the heartache easier.

The last piece of good news I got is from my acupuncturist.  I have been going to her since August and today what she said really made my day.  When I got there she asked how I was and I told her that I had a mystery illness on Saturday with no real symptoms.  She then listened to my pulse and said she was putting needles in different places and would tell me about it after she listened to my pulse after the needles were out.  I laid there for what seemed forever and she came in.  She listened to my pulse again and just smiled.  She said based on my pulse, how strong it is, and how it has changed since last week, something has happened.  She doesn't want to get my hopes up, but said I could be pregnant or it is a sign that my body had a strong ovulation for the first time.  The idea that this really could be happening was enough to put a smile on my face.  She said all of that plus the fact that I felt ovulation this month, that my immune system is weak, body aches, and my new pulse leads her to believe that maybe just maybe I could dare say it...no I can't say it, but you get the picture.  She told me to take it easy, stay warm, and get rest.  I guess we will see next Monday what my pulse says and if I start.  I am on pins and needles, but at the same time can I dare let my heart get happy when I know that I have been let down so many times before.  I guess time will tell.  Prayers are needed right now and believe me we will be praying extra hard for a miracle or just a good change with my body.  This is going to be a long next week to say the least!

The Talk

Last night Chris and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything.  It amazes me how he will actually discuss these issues now where as just a few years ago I couldn't even say the word egg.  He even talks to other people at work both women and men.  I think him opening up now about how he really feels sad and disappointed each month shows me that if we were to go to another doctor that he would be more in tune with me, treatment, and my appointments.  I am not saying that is where we are headed, but it his positive attitude about everything just inspires me.  Here I was saying that we need to decide what to do as there is definitely something wrong with me and this isn't going to happen and he sees it as each month that I don't have the normal symptoms of a period and longer cycles, that something is trying to happen and we are getting closer.  I don't know.  He said that he wants me to shell out money for another round of acupuncture too and keep going.  I am just shocked as earlier this week he wanted me to be done.  He said that we are still young and he knows of people that are in the same situation as us that just found out that they are pregnant and they are much older.  I told him that I feel guilty as I feel like I am keeping him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a dad as we both know it is my fault and then I just broke down.  When we are angry with one another, that does get thrown in each others faces which is the most hurtful thing we can say to each other at this time and place in our lives.  He said that he doesn't blame me and that we are a team in this.  I told him that we need to decide when we are going to look into adoption and he just said NO.  He said he is really and truly not comfortable with adoption.  I told him that my mom said that we should foster a child first to see if we become attached to that child and that would allow us to see if we could adopt.  Chris said not yet we have another 5 years, but to be honest I don't think I can take another 5 years of this roller coaster.  He said he sees us now having two kids.  (That is shocking as he is the one that has said all along that he wanted one child)  He keeps praying, but he still doesn't believe in God again.  Myself on the other hand, I feel the same way too.  I keep praying, but I am not sure who too, but it does make me feel a lot better to get my feelings off my chest nightly.  It just amazes me lately of all of the people that I am hearing about that are in the same boat as us.  I don't feel so alone, but then on the flip side you sure do feel alone when you hear about another person that announces their pregnancy.  So where does this leave Chris and I right now....we are going to keep plugging away, I am going to hit the gym to burn some frustration a few days a week, acupuncture once a week, and keep being open and loving with one another.  We are going to keep praying for our miracle and that someone sees this as the time is right for us.  I hope that all of our friends and family will keep doing the same for us as we need it.  We jumped another hurdle in this bumpy road and we may be bruised emotionally, but in a way I feel stronger.  One month from yesterday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  I am sure that will be the next bump we have to jump, but I know that Chris and I are strong enough and love each other that we will do it together tears and all.  I am lucky to have such a supporting and loving hubby.  I just need to keep my head above water and keep treading with the currents that come my way.  I am not giving up....  :)  I have my best friend Chris by my side.  Love ya babe!   

Drained

I have been told that this would be draining, but I really feel like I am drained in every way possible right now.  Things have been hard enough with fighting my memories, but then trying again this month has just added to my frustration.  I am pretty sure I am going to start as I have all of the signs, but it hasn't hit me yet.  I am sure later this week I will have my breakdown and then move on, but I hate that feeling.  I did talk to my nurse a week ago about IVF and timing.  She said that they could do another blood test this summer to determine how my eggs are still doing.  She said that they also have a new test which gives us a better idea of how many eggs I will have with IVF.  I am hoping that they are still alright and we can wait until the summer of 2011 to proceed.  We are trying to finish getting out of debt right now, but lots of little things are popping up which isn't letting that happen as planned.  Hopefully by July we will be on our way to our big savings.  I am also going to take out an extra insurance policy with the school district to help when I do get pregnant.  With this policy you can't get pregnant for so many months or it doesn't cover you.  I am hoping by doing this, I will get pregnant and be out that money, but save all my IVF money.  It always seems that things like that happen to us.  I guess time will tell.  I know I have a few rough days ahead of me waiting to see when I officially start.  I just wish Chris understood why it is so hard and why I get so angry.  I try not too, but it is so hard when my dreams are just out of a fingertips reach. 

Life

It is officially the month of November. I can't believe it. I wish I knew what to say at this point, but I am really at a loss for words. Tonight I once again kept the light off and trick-or-treaters away. It isn't that I love the kids and their costumes, but it is just a reminder of one thing I want to be able to do with my own child. I know it sounds silly, but it is one of those little things. As I was on facebook tonight looking at people's updates, it really hit me as I saw cute pictures that people uploaded of their children dressed up. I want that so bad. I have that cute fish costume in the closet that I bought years ago in hopes that it would be used. I still have hope, but just not as much.

Lately things have been hard. There was a death on Chris's side of the family and my dad had surgery yet again. Chris and I have officially decided that this was the worst year ever with everything that has happened and that next year things have to be better. It wouldn't surprise me if one more thing goes wrong between now and then. I am more than ready for January 1st to get here and get through these next few holidays. I have a feeling that this year's holidays will be that much harder. Right now, I just need to get through November 15th.

I apologize for my choppiness in my writing, but when I get emotional kind of like I am right now, my sentences don't flow together like I would like as I am writing off the top of my head and believe me there is a lot in there right now.

More Than Excited

I am a true believer right now. Everything is literally going way to perfect this month. I couldn't be happier. I had insemination this morning or IUI and I have 1 large egg on each ovary, a medium size egg also on my right ovary, and lots of little ones that won't do anything. I am so pumped. Then to make things even better Chris's side went fantastic too! I really feel like this is the month. I just know that I will be prego by Sunday! I have my fingers, toes, and anything else crossed that I can. I just hope that if this doesn't happen this month, that everyone realizes this is going to hit me harder than ever before. Everything is in line to be perfect!!!! WOO HOO!