Worried

Right now there are so many emotions going through my body. It is midnight and I am sitting by the phone waiting to hear from Chris as he is doing overnights every night this week to tell him the bad news about his grandpa. His grandpa is very ill and more or less we have been told that it is only a matter of time as is blood pressure is like 70 over 60. I am anticipating another call coming in during the night some time to let us know that he is left us. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts that he can get through this, but right now I have my doubts.

Today was the last day of summer school which means no FSE until August! YEAH! I am so excited!

Alright the real reason I am writing. Today my emotions got the best of me with everything and I broke down to my mom about it all. I have said time and time again that I don't want to talk to my mom about the infertility treatments as it is to hard as I feel like I let her down each month when I have to tell her no that I am not prego, but I felt like I was about to burst if I didn't talk to someone. Between Chris's upcoming inventory at work and everything he is going through with his family, I can't talk to him about the baby thing. Any how, I am really stressing about doing a test. Not worried about seeing a negative, but an actual positive again. I know it sounds crazy as that it what I really want more than anything, but I am so scared. I am so scared to even fathom that I might have to endure the loss of another child and everything I went through before. I don't even know what my reaction will be this weekend if it is positive. How can you get excited as in the back of your head you are anticipating everyday are my levels going up this time, am I going to miscarry, am I able to carry a baby to term? I know what the doctor told me about how common this is to miscarry once and that it probably won't happen again, but in the back of my mind I can't help to think what if? I do know that if I miscarry again for some reason, I am done. This would also more or less solidify in my head that I can't carry a baby to term at all and that if we want to be parents we will have to look into adoption which is something I really don't want to do. There are just so many possible scenarios and what ifs, that I am terrified. I really wish that I could fast forward just a few more days and know something. I hope if you are reading this, you understand what I mean and you aren't thinking that I am being a pessimist. I really and truly have a fear about actually being pregnant again as crazy as that sounds even though I want a baby more than anything in this world. I do know that if we are in for another round of treatment which at this point I am kind of hoping for, I am ready for this. This month was more or less a trial and a way of me getting back up on that horse and trying again. Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming...