2011!!!!!!!!!

2011 is finally here!  I am so excited at all of the possible opportunities that I have this year.  May 2011 bring myself and all of my other friends that are having fertility issues the blessings that we rightfully deserve!  I am really and truly believing this is the year for miracles.  :)

IVF???????????

Today was the day we had our phone consult with the doctor in St. Louis to talk about IVF.  I was so shaky and nervous about this all day.  It still doesn't seem real that we are really thinking about doing this.  The doctor put me at ease like no other and immediately made me feel like I knew this man I was talking too.  Chris was sitting by me as we both listened in and he was impressed as well.  He said that from the looks of our paperwork that we have done a lot of IUI's.  He was basing all of this on our paperwork that I sent him as my doctor here hadn't sent anything just yet.  Any how, he wanted to just talk to us and see how we were feeling.  I more or less told him that I really don't want to do this, but at the same time I am always going to wonder what if we don't try IVF as I want to be a mom.  He said that the way I was feeling is normal and the fact that I have taken some time off to think, is good.  I told him that everything we endured with the fertility doctor here and my treatments was a lot to take in and an emotional time.  He asked what the doctor said about why I wasn't able to get pregnant.  I told him that she said that I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  He asked what they based that off and I told him it was the fact that my period was abnormal.  He said that didn't make sense and that isn't truly PCOS at all.  He said a woman that has PCOS has tons of follicles all over her ovaries like 10 a month.  He asked if I had anything like that and I said no.  He said that he was more than interested to read my paperwork to see what else made her think that is what our underlying problem was.  I did tell him that my cycles are really off base and some months up to 45 days long.  He said that it sounds like something else and used a word, but I can't remember what it was.  I did tell him that both my Granny and Dad have diabetes as PCOS has to do with insulin in the body.  I asked him if we do go forward with this, do I need to go back on the Metaformin drug and he said that as of right now, no, but he would get back with me on this.  I was thrilled to hear this as that drug really makes me sick to say the least.  I have my fingers crossed that I won't have to take that drug again.

I then brought up the fact that I found out about him and his practice from one of my students parents who went there and had success.  He was immediately inquisitive on who it was which shows me that he cares which is important to me.  I told him that not only did she tell me about him, but about his new procedure called Micro IVF and the lower cost.  He then went into detail about Mini IVF, Micro IVF, and IVF.  The biggest difference between all three of them is cost and number of eggs.  Mini IVF is where you do a minimum amount of drugs and they harvest your eggs.  Micro IVF is a bit more of drugs and they harvest your eggs.  IVF is where they give you LOTS of drugs depending on the person to make you produce LOTS of eggs to harvest.  He said that he doesn't recommend the first two as you are going to probably have to do the procedure over and over which in turn will add up to the cost of a normal IVF cycle.  When I heard that, it makes sense.  He explained that over and over until I think it finally sunk in with both Chris and I.  I then told him the reason I was so interested in the Micro IVF was the cost as we shelled out 24 grand already in what we have done.  He couldn't believe his ears.  I then asked and half knew what I would hear next, how much is IVF?  Chris and I both just sat here on the couch and looked at each other.  We knew that we were going to hear like 15 grand like it is here, but boy were we surprised to hear that it is about 7 grand without meds.  Both of our faces immediately lit up as that is doable in our eyes.  He said that it just a ballpark figure as he isn't sure what I would need yet without seeing my paperwork from my doctor.  He did say that he would give me lots though to increase my eggs and give us a bigger chance of success.  He did say that they have different packages though where we could pay for two cycles up front and it would be cheaper in the end.  He said lots of people need two cycles and that is a popular option.  Something that just occurred to me as I write this that I wonder if we decided to unfreeze later if we did have luck if that would be a part of the already paid process.  I need to remember to ask him that.  He said that I need at least 15 eggs for us to really have a good chance at IVF.  Next I asked him more questions about the actual procedure, the injections, hormones, the hospitalization, hotel stays, etc.  After hearing all of this, I could finally take a deep breath and thought to myself that I can do this.

Where did we end things after our 1 hour long conversation?  Well, once he gets my paperwork from my doctor and I do some bloodwork to establish how many eggs I have left in my body, we will talk again.  To be honest the bloodwork to hear how many eggs I have left and the quality of them, really puts me on edge.  I remembered when I was at the end of my treatment with Reproductive Resource Center that they had just come out with a new test to determine this, but I was to scared to find out my numbers.  All he kept saying to me is that I am young, which is nice to hear every once in a while when I feel so old.  Any how, once we know that information we can really move forward if we choose to.  I did tell him that I am doing acupuncture and as much as I hate the needles, I can tell a difference.  He didn't say much about this, but said that he has never done it.  I am not sure what he really thought about that, but I know in my heart that it is working as I feel ovulation again which tells me something.

Now, Chris and I have talked and we are both thinking what do we have to lose.  If this works then we will have a baby if it doesn't, we will have to move onto adoption or something along those lines which we really don't want to do.  We are also both going to try the fertility diet and a few other things.  We are going to go full force into this on January 2nd.  I really feel like this is going to be an amazing and magical year for Chris and I in all areas of our lives.  Am I going to need pep talks and lots of support, you betcha, but with the most amazing family and friends in the world, we can do anything.  I am off for a quiet dinner with the hubs and to let all of this sink in.  I really feel like I am dreaming....and I don't want to wake up.

Heavy Heart

There are a few times each year that really hit Chris and I that we don't have a child and Christmas is definitely one of the worst.  I am not exactly sure how to describe it, but Chris said it is best last night as we were laying in bed crying.  He said that our house is dark and not happy.  He said that he literally feels a pain in his heart and it is hard to breath.  I have to say that I couldn't agree more with him.  Who seriously would have thought 5 Christmases ago when everyone found out we were trying that we would struggle to complete our family.  Yes, we are optimistic about this new doctor, but in my heart and head I don't want to do this.  I really just don't know what to do.  Chris and I just laid in bed and he held me and I cried.  It honestly was the best gift he could give me in that he opened up about everything and he said that it even made him feel better.  I spent most of the night crying and thinking.  I have so many thoughts about all of this and honestly just wish someone would smack me across the head and tell me what to do.  I am really dreading the rest of this Christmas Day.  I love my family dearly and feel their support with each step I take, but I just wish that one of them would really understand how we feel.  The reality in that is that will never happen as they each had no problems starting their family and are happier than ever.  I love having my nieces in my life and would do anything for them, but it isn't the same.  I wish I could say that I am happy.  Yes, I married my best friend and love him dearly, but I still feel like I am keeping him from having a child as I know this is all my fault.  Sigh....  I could write all day about how I am really feeling about all of this, but is it really going to make me feel better, probably not.  I guess I had better go take a shower and get ready for Christmas at my parents.  It really doesn't feel like the holidays at all to me, just another day that I want over to try to move on.

Strength

I never thought I would go through half of the things in my life that I have.  The obstacles that I encountered these past few years just keep building me up and empowering me.  It really and truly amazes me at what a strong person I have become.  Granted with each blow it does hurt and send me on an emotional downspin, but I continue to pick myself up and try again.  I have said it time and time again that my journey is a roller coaster with so many dips and turns which really does a number on the body.  Right now I have to look at this month as a stepping stone to my body healing and moving forward.  I am not sure what else I can do, but I am going to try.  Seeing what I did today and  the way my body felt just shows me that we are getting closer.  The pain that I experienced isn't normal and I just have to keep remembering that.  Parenthood has eluded us all of these years, but I feel as if it is going to happen in the near future I just know it.  Yes, today was a rough day physically and emotionally, but I have to pick myself up and get ready for another month.

More Waiting.... :)

Last week seemed to last forever, but today was the worst as I just wanted to get to acupuncture.  I never thought I would say that.  When my doctor came into the room, she asked how I was and I told her I am not saying anything until you listen to my pulse.  She just laughed.  She listened and said it was even stronger and led her to believe that I still could be you know what.  I told her about how I had been feeling, but I didn't want to put to much into it as we have been here before.  Any how, it was the most relaxing session I have had.  I took huge deep breaths and just got in the moment.  Afterwards she came in to take all of the needles in, she asked me to do a test, but I said not yet.  I told her to give me another week as I can't see another negative test.  She said ok, but to email her as she was dying to know what happens this week.  I guess the real waiting begins.  I am actually pretty calm as I know that if I do start, I really feel great about things.  However, nothing would make my and Chris's Christmas like finding out we were you know what.  Alright with that...I am ending this.  Aunt Connie, don't bother asking me because I will lie to you.  LOL.  I do love all of the nice thoughts and prayers though.  We are going to get our miracle one way or another.  On another note getting my paperwork together to send to the doctor in St. Louis for our consult.  EXCITING!

Finally Good News!!!!!!

Finally some good news that makes me want to jump for joy.  I am not even sure where to start as I have had nothing, but good news these past few days.  Nothing like a little bit of hope during the holidays to help Chris and I get through.  I have a set of triplets in my class this year that I look at each day as a miracle.  I know what their parents went through to have them and really and truly they are a gift from God.  I finally had a chance to talk to the mom and she gave me some information that I have looked into that sounds promising.  She went to all of the doctors here in KC, but either had no luck or miscarried.  She then went to a doctor in St. Louis and had success.  This doctor is one of the tops in the nation and comes very highly recommended.  On top of that he and other doctors have developed a new procedure called Micro IVF.  This procedure sounds very similar to IVF and is a 1/3 of the cost.  Chris and I talked as we are going to give it a go.  We have a consult set up for next month to meet with this doctor.  The hope that this doctor gives me is incredible.  It has had me on cloud nine since last Tuesday when we made the decision to go forward.  I know that we have lots of time until this would happen, but it will make the time pass and the heartache easier.

The last piece of good news I got is from my acupuncturist.  I have been going to her since August and today what she said really made my day.  When I got there she asked how I was and I told her that I had a mystery illness on Saturday with no real symptoms.  She then listened to my pulse and said she was putting needles in different places and would tell me about it after she listened to my pulse after the needles were out.  I laid there for what seemed forever and she came in.  She listened to my pulse again and just smiled.  She said based on my pulse, how strong it is, and how it has changed since last week, something has happened.  She doesn't want to get my hopes up, but said I could be pregnant or it is a sign that my body had a strong ovulation for the first time.  The idea that this really could be happening was enough to put a smile on my face.  She said all of that plus the fact that I felt ovulation this month, that my immune system is weak, body aches, and my new pulse leads her to believe that maybe just maybe I could dare say it...no I can't say it, but you get the picture.  She told me to take it easy, stay warm, and get rest.  I guess we will see next Monday what my pulse says and if I start.  I am on pins and needles, but at the same time can I dare let my heart get happy when I know that I have been let down so many times before.  I guess time will tell.  Prayers are needed right now and believe me we will be praying extra hard for a miracle or just a good change with my body.  This is going to be a long next week to say the least!

Memories and Remembering Good Bye

Luckily today a wise friend told me that the way I am feeling right now is normal.  This Monday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  Will I ever forget that date?  I don't think I will.  I will never forget finding out I was pregnant and hearing the due date.  I thought what an incredible birthday gift for my mom.  I remember thinking no more holidays of just Chris and I, but we would actually be a family.  It was the greatest feeling, but then almost 10 weeks later, our hopes and dreams came tumbling down.  Since that time, we have been told nothing more than bad news.  I really thought that I would be a mom by now and prove everyone wrong, but no.  I think that is why the birthday of this baby really hits me.  I know that some people think I am crazy to feel this way and that I need to move on, but the women who have been in my shoes tell me it is normal to feel this way and it is still to new.  I remember how hard this day was last year, but with the help of my friends and my husband, we got through it.  I just need to get through Monday which will consist of working with my kids, my colleagues, and then acupuncture.  I was hoping for a night out with the girls too, but that isn't going to happen.  I just need to be strong, but let my emotions out.  May God give Chris and I the strength to endure this day, but also help heal our hearts from the heartache that we have.

Dealing

Last week I went for acupuncture and talked to my doctor about everything I was feeling mentally and physically.  She told me that the way that I was feeling is normal and I have every right to feel that way.  She explained to me that if I didn't feel this way, that she would be worried.  I talked to her about how people in my life say things to me about how it will happen when it happens or reduce the stress and she told me to tell those people to f off.  I was literally shocked when she told me that, but it made me feel better.  I asked her a lot of questions that I needed answered and she gave me answers.  I asked her if she was just saying these things to keep the money flow coming or did she mean it.  She said that she did mean it and she would tell me if she thought I should stop going.  Since that appointment I felt so much better about everything.  Then later that week I did something stupid and have been paying for it since.  I accidentally took some old fertility drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and knew instantly when I was sick that night.  Good times..but that showed me that I really don't want to go back on that path of taking drugs again.  Then that either was the beginning side of the drugs or me getting the flu.  Then on top of that I have had a lot of pain on my ovaries.  I am going to give it until the end of the week before going to the doctor.  I am hoping my body is just trying to produce quality eggs.  I am trying to think more positive about this instead of negatively.  I guess we will see at the end of the week what is going on.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us...

The Talk

Last night Chris and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything.  It amazes me how he will actually discuss these issues now where as just a few years ago I couldn't even say the word egg.  He even talks to other people at work both women and men.  I think him opening up now about how he really feels sad and disappointed each month shows me that if we were to go to another doctor that he would be more in tune with me, treatment, and my appointments.  I am not saying that is where we are headed, but it his positive attitude about everything just inspires me.  Here I was saying that we need to decide what to do as there is definitely something wrong with me and this isn't going to happen and he sees it as each month that I don't have the normal symptoms of a period and longer cycles, that something is trying to happen and we are getting closer.  I don't know.  He said that he wants me to shell out money for another round of acupuncture too and keep going.  I am just shocked as earlier this week he wanted me to be done.  He said that we are still young and he knows of people that are in the same situation as us that just found out that they are pregnant and they are much older.  I told him that I feel guilty as I feel like I am keeping him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a dad as we both know it is my fault and then I just broke down.  When we are angry with one another, that does get thrown in each others faces which is the most hurtful thing we can say to each other at this time and place in our lives.  He said that he doesn't blame me and that we are a team in this.  I told him that we need to decide when we are going to look into adoption and he just said NO.  He said he is really and truly not comfortable with adoption.  I told him that my mom said that we should foster a child first to see if we become attached to that child and that would allow us to see if we could adopt.  Chris said not yet we have another 5 years, but to be honest I don't think I can take another 5 years of this roller coaster.  He said he sees us now having two kids.  (That is shocking as he is the one that has said all along that he wanted one child)  He keeps praying, but he still doesn't believe in God again.  Myself on the other hand, I feel the same way too.  I keep praying, but I am not sure who too, but it does make me feel a lot better to get my feelings off my chest nightly.  It just amazes me lately of all of the people that I am hearing about that are in the same boat as us.  I don't feel so alone, but then on the flip side you sure do feel alone when you hear about another person that announces their pregnancy.  So where does this leave Chris and I right now....we are going to keep plugging away, I am going to hit the gym to burn some frustration a few days a week, acupuncture once a week, and keep being open and loving with one another.  We are going to keep praying for our miracle and that someone sees this as the time is right for us.  I hope that all of our friends and family will keep doing the same for us as we need it.  We jumped another hurdle in this bumpy road and we may be bruised emotionally, but in a way I feel stronger.  One month from yesterday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  I am sure that will be the next bump we have to jump, but I know that Chris and I are strong enough and love each other that we will do it together tears and all.  I am lucky to have such a supporting and loving hubby.  I just need to keep my head above water and keep treading with the currents that come my way.  I am not giving up....  :)  I have my best friend Chris by my side.  Love ya babe!   

Decisions

We have hit another bump on this road to motherhood.  I finally started this month after intense cramping for days and did I mention it took 40 days this cycle.  For some reason I feel like this is a sign that we just need to quit trying and focus our energy else where.  I feel so strongly that I think I am done with acupuncture too as my package is done and I have to pay again.  Maybe Chris and I need to give up on being parents and find something that we enjoy doing together.  I am really at a loss for words to be honest and emotional.  I am hoping that I can figure out what I need to do in my heart and head.  Then on top of that hearing that someone I am close to is pregnant after trying for a short time.  I am just really bumming right now and need to just relax and try to move on.  Someday life will get easier and less complicated for us.  I sure hope God can give me strength right now.

Waiting Game

I know that the minute I sit down to write this that I am going to start, but I would rather start instead of wondering for another week.  Today is day 39 of my cycle and I have yet to start.  Of course in the back of my head am I am wondering if maybe I am pregnant, but then in the front of my head is the reality saying my body is so screwed up that this is nothing and I will start any day.  Then I start wondering how many days will I give it until I do a test, but I know that there is no way I would do one until next weekend for sure.  I am sure tomorrow I will hear it from my acupuncturist about not doing a test.  On that front how much longer am I am going to give my acupuncture treatments?  I just wish that my life could be a hell of a lot easier on this front.  So...I guess let the waiting begin and hopefully let my nerves calm down to get me through this. 

Acupuncture and Dreams

I have had a lot on my mind lately and have been meaning to write, but with the start of school, I have been busy.  However, the baby making concept has still been on my mind.  I have been doing acupuncture once a week and I don't like it at all, but I can tell a difference from it.  The lady that I see has made me a real believer in what I am doing.  Each time I go and she tells me about my pulse, I think I am on the right path.  I did have a cycle already as I was going through the treatments and I was really late which had my hopes up, but when I did start I could tell something was different in my cycle in a good way.  Now I should be ovulating again any day and we will see what happens this month.  I am kind of taking a more laid back approach this month, but I just know in my gut that this isn't our month.  I am really thinking that the next cycle everything will be great.  When I first started treatment she said that it would be a good 2 to 3 months.  I have total trust in her with all of this.  I really  hope my doctor realizes how much I think of her and how I have all of my eggs in her basket. 

On the flip side we have maybe come into a lot of money which could open up a lot of doors for Chris and I on becoming parents.  He doesn't want to talk about it, but it is definitely on my mind that we could use this money for IVF or adoption.  I really feel like this is a sign from Chris's Nana and she is rooting us on from heaven just like she did when she was alive.  I just really need to figure out what to do, but then on the flip side maybe we will have a miracle and be able to put that money for something for Chris and I.  I really feel that he and I need a getaway just the two of us.  We need it.  Any how acupuncture is tomorrow and we will see what happens from that.  More to come soon!

Last bit of info that is on my mind.  November 15th is creeping up and the thought that would be our babies first birthday really makes me ill.  I don't think I will ever get over the loss and that date.  Sigh

New Leaf

I haven't written in a month and I actually have new news to report.  About 4 weeks ago I went for my first round of acupuncture.  I still can't believe I did it.  I was so scared to say the least, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Just a few of the needles hurt and the idea that this could solve my problems made it all worth it.  The lady I see made me some huge promises in that she says I will probably be pregnant in 2 to 3 months.  I go for my 4th round on Monday and I can honestly tell that it is working.  She said that my uterus can go from being titled to normal.  I have to say that I think she is right.  I am so hopeful.  Trying this has given me that boost of energy that I need and a new hope. 

Today is my birthday and I feel great.  I can't believe that I am 33 today.  It just doesn't seem possible.  When I think back to over 5 years ago and realizing that we were ready to start a family, I never dreamed I would be in the boat I am.  I wanted to be a mom by the time I was 30 and now I am 33.  I know it is just a number, but I feel like a tickimg timebomb.  On the flip side, I finally think that God is thinking it is our time.  Maybe it is the fact that I am more grounded from the acupuncture, but I really feel positive about it all.  This is me saying, I think it is time.  I guess time will see.  Happy Birthday to Me and may this be the year of miracles and wishes coming true. 

Frustration! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Lately I feel like I have hit the biggest wall of frustration.  The reason behind all of this frustration is a combination of so many people and events including all of the drama with my family, but of course the biggest is the ongoing battle with infertility. 

Being late this month and having symptoms was the biggest contributor.  You know that you don't want to get your hopes up, but it is so easy to do it.  I just keep wondering with each day and no spotting, could this be, could I really be pregnant?  Then the spotting started a few days later.  Now here it is Wednesday and I am cramping so hard, but haven't really started.  I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with my body.  I am so tired of being patient and hearing everyone tell me that I just need to relax.  I hate to tell all of you that isn't the problem.  There is seriously something with my body that doesn't want me to get pregnant and I am convinced of that.  I don't know what it is and either do the doctors, but it is something.  This something has caused me so much grief and emotion that isn't right.  I am angry and just want to scream about it.  I honestly feel right now as if I am not supposed to be able to carry a child.  I know that is a horrible thing to think and feel, but no one has told me differently in the 5 years we have been trying.  Yes, we know I can get pregnant, but can I carry it, who knows.  I lost one for sure that we know of and there were other times that I just wouldn't take a test after being late to find out.  I am really sick and tired of this roller coaster that I am on and I want off.  I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that it is ok, get off, stop trying, but no one would dare say that to me as they know being a mom is everything I want and more.  I just don't know where to turn or where to go right now. 

Yes, we have options on becoming parents, but which path do I take.  How do I know what is right for us?  Do we go to a 2nd doctor?  Do we do IVF?  Do we find a surrogate?  Do we adopt?  Chris and I have talked about all of these and we just don't know what to do any more.  He is even at the point that he doesn't believe in God and say is praying is pointless and it is all science.  I know that he doesn't mean it, but he is saying it because he is frustrated and he is tired of not having any control on our destiny.  I think that is what bothers us the most.  We are in control of so many things in our life and this is one thing we have no control over and it sucks.  I wish I knew a better word to use, but that is the only one I can think of that truly describes how I feel right now.  Life sucks and it is so unfair.  The one good thing that has come from all of this, is that Chris and I are so close and get closer with each day. Yes, we argue and fight about all of this, but we both just want the same end result and he doesn't want me to endure any more physical pain.  I am really lucky to have such a wonderful husband with all of this.  

I have so many wonderful friends that would be excellent parents and they are in the same boat as us.  Yes, their circumstances are different as everyone's body is different, but they have the same hurt.  Then you have these yahoos that get pregnant that don't want the child, the state takes care of the child, and the child gets mistreated.  Why....why would God give those people a child and not someone wonderful like Chris and I or any of my infertile friends.  I hate it.  I have had all of this bottled up and now it is all coming unleashed as I am more than angry.  Where do Chris and I go from here, who knows? 

Like I said we have options, but at this point neither one of us are in a place to make a decision on those options.  Then on top of that we don't have the funds to even begin to start one of these paths.  I guess we will just save as we both keep getting older and life keeps passing us by.  Meanwhile I will put on my happy face and act like everything is ok. 

I love being a teacher and get such joy from those kids and their parents, but I feel like such an outsider in their world.  What do I mean by that?  I have some of the greatest friends in the world that have been there for me through all of this, but when we get together with the kids or even just for a girls night, I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I don't really belong.  Here they share the greatest thing on earth of being parents and I am just married.  You know feeling this way is probably the way some of my friends felt after I got married and they were still single.  You kind of feel like a third wheel to the whole situation.  I hate that I feel this way, but it is the reality  Hell I even feel this way at family functions or playing with my nieces and nephew that I love..  More and more of my friends that are without child, are now becoming parents leaving me in the dust.  I know that Chris and I can't go through life without having our own child.  So that just puts us back to the beginning on where the hell do I go from here.

If you are reading this, don't be surprised, if I don't want to talk about any of this.  I really wanted to write this to vent all of my frustrations right now before I implode.  I will be ok eventually, but right now I just need time to think and sort out all of Chris and my feelings.  Like I said before...I couldn't get through life without all of my amazing friends, "sistas", and family, but just know I love you guys and I feel your support.  Just bear with me during this crazy time. 

Feeling Weird

All I have to say right now is that I am feeling weird.  I am not sure what is going on with me, but something is definitely up.  Praying hard for a miracle and no crazy problems.

Just Within My Reach

Lately I feel as if my wishes and dreams are just within my reach, but I can't reach them.  I am not sure what is bringing on these feelings, but our month of July hasn't started off good as usual.  We have been on the road lately saying good-bye to Chris's Nana in Mississippi.  She passed literally a year to the date that Papa did last year.  Emotions have been high as has stress in the family and between Chris and I.  I keep hearing her voice in my head telling Chris and I that she would give up her life for us to have a child and that is what she had been telling God.  Nana was a very spiritual person and talking to God and sharing his word was something she did numerous times a day.  When Chris and I started thinking about that and the fact that I should be ovulating, it made us both not want to even attempt conception this month.  I think he would of felt guilty and it would of creeped him out if we would of by some miracle had luck.  Then on top of that it has hit me that the end of my summer days are ticking away as are my chances of conception over the summer when stress was gone.  I really just don't know what to do.  Between all of that and hearing that yet another good friend is pregnant, I am just sad.  I know that the doctor said that I will have days like this, but today for some reason it has really hit me to the point I cancelled plans with friends as I just want to be by myself.  I know that doesn't sound good, but I just need to sort things out.

RELAX TIME

I am really surprised that i haven't been on here sooner writing as I have had a lots going on including a crazy scare in May, but I think with the end of the school year and all, it just all hit the back burner.  If you are wondering about the scare, I was worried about my tube and a mass.  Finally I can say that the pain is gone as is the mass.  Thank goodness.  On top of that I am on summer break!  For the first time ever I am taking a whole summer off for me.  I am so excited.  Nothing, but relaxation to help prepare for the next school year.  Deep down inside I am hoping that without all of this stress that maybe just maybe we can get pregnant on our own.  I feel like the worlds been lifted off my shoulders since school got out and plan on just enjoying my time off.  Keep your fingers crossed for us these next few months in hopes that maybe just maybe we can do this without IVF.  I am really hopeful.  :)

Mother's Day

This day is hitting me harder than I thought it would.  I was really doing alright until I got out and went to the store.  Seeing all of the happy families just did me in.  When I stopped by my parents house to drop off ice cream, my brother and his family was there.  I am happy for them that they have the family that they want, but it just a constant reminder.  I know that it sounds selfish, but people in my shoes know what I am talking about.  When I left, my mom walked me out and gave me a hug.  It just did me in.  I tried to stay strong, but it is so hard.  On the way home I just sobbed.  I am glad that we have days like this to give thanks to our parents, but it just leaves me wondering am I ever going to get that amazing feeling.

Bumps

There are definitely times during the month that are bumpier than others with my infertility journey, but the bumps lately have been a lot on my mind.  The other night I head about someone that was pregnant that really got to me.  This person doesn't take care of the child that she has, my nephew, and the state taxpayers are doing what she doesn't.  When I heard that from my brother in law, I was infuriated to say the least.  The only good thing is that the father isn't my brother in law this time, but still.  It just makes me angry to think that God blessed her with another child and hear I am still with a broken heart and without a baby.  Sigh... someday this will be easier, I just know it. 

Then add Mother's Day on top of that and I am a walking emotional mess.  I hate that my unhappiness with this holiday skews my opinion of it considering I have the most amazing mom in the world.  She is by my side through everything I go through and is truly my best friend.  I hope that she knows that, but I am pretty sure she does.  I would love for nothing more than to give her grandchild. 

Drained

I have been told that this would be draining, but I really feel like I am drained in every way possible right now.  Things have been hard enough with fighting my memories, but then trying again this month has just added to my frustration.  I am pretty sure I am going to start as I have all of the signs, but it hasn't hit me yet.  I am sure later this week I will have my breakdown and then move on, but I hate that feeling.  I did talk to my nurse a week ago about IVF and timing.  She said that they could do another blood test this summer to determine how my eggs are still doing.  She said that they also have a new test which gives us a better idea of how many eggs I will have with IVF.  I am hoping that they are still alright and we can wait until the summer of 2011 to proceed.  We are trying to finish getting out of debt right now, but lots of little things are popping up which isn't letting that happen as planned.  Hopefully by July we will be on our way to our big savings.  I am also going to take out an extra insurance policy with the school district to help when I do get pregnant.  With this policy you can't get pregnant for so many months or it doesn't cover you.  I am hoping by doing this, I will get pregnant and be out that money, but save all my IVF money.  It always seems that things like that happen to us.  I guess time will tell.  I know I have a few rough days ahead of me waiting to see when I officially start.  I just wish Chris understood why it is so hard and why I get so angry.  I try not too, but it is so hard when my dreams are just out of a fingertips reach. 

Heavy Heart of Memories

I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized.  Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was.  I then knew I was going to get sick.  I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick.  I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine.  A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time.  I was pretty close to the same time even.  I am now home and emotional.  I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body. 

Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having.  I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did.  I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back.  I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered.  I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready.  Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do.  I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more.  However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again,  I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me.  I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment.  I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either.  I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better. 

I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest.  Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it.  I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need.  Right now I need lots of strength and prayers.  I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on.  Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help.  I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.

Pain

Right now it feels as if my heart is being yanked out all over again for some reason. I thought the due date for the baby I lost was hard, but for some reason the happiness and then nightmare at this time last year is playing out in my head even more. Has it really been a year since getting the injections into my hipbones to kill my hormones and the baby! Unreal... When I think about that and then everything that happened afterwards, it seems surreal. I am really having a hard time with just focusing right now on anything but that. I know that the next few weeks will be that way as my pregnancy really wasn't over for another 3 weeks when I had surgery to find out if my tube was bursting as I had passed the baby, but the pain was still there in full force. I really wish I had started this blog back then and was able to go back and reflect on my feelings. Maybe it would help me right now or then again maybe it would just remind me of the pain and heartache. I remember just sitting at my computer playing an online game over and over to just try to escape the reality of the whole thing. I remember that and how much weight I dropped. Right now I don't feel like talking about any of this and just keep wondering am I ever going to be a mom. I really need to find someone that did IVF that I know that had luck and is telling me to go for it. I just need that little push to keep me going. Right now I am thinking of throwing myself back into the gym scene to take my mind off of things. I am still holding out for a miracle and would love to prove my doctor wrong. Prayers would be great right now...

Emotions

One year ago last Sunday was the day that I found out I was pregnant followed by the week where Chris and I were on cloud 9 about finally being pregnant. WOW...has it really been a year. It just seems impossible it was a year ago at this time that my dream coming true turned into a nightmare that we couldn't escape. When I think about it, I really get angry and upset as afterwards is when I was told you will be pregnant again in no time and next Mother's Day you will really be celebrating being a mom. It is so hard to say those words or even read those words. Am I really only destined to remember this one big loss and never have the high of having my own. Those words really sting when you think about it. Right now IVF is the plan, but do I really want to do it, no. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't met one single person that it has worked for. With IUI, I knew tons of people that had been in my shoes and had success. I guess right now the plan is just to keep saving and fighting on with this adventure. I have waited almost 5 years of trying to be a mom, what is a few more.

Ho Hum

Ho Hum is the way that I am feeling right now. Every time when I decide that I want to write something about how I am feeling, I always reread the last few posts to see how much things have changed. Today as I am about to write, I am sad for my friends daughter who did IVF for the 3rd time to get pregnant only to lose the babies again. My heart aches about this for so many reasons. For one, I don't get it. Why does God toy with people's emotions like this. I am sure she would of rather have seen a negative test instead of getting excited to only have her HCG number plummet and lose the baby. Second of all, the hope that I was having about IVF is gone. I was still on the edge about doing IVF, but now another loss for an amazing person makes me wonder if Chris and I have made the right decision. Third of all, Chris just keeps upping the ante on things. He is so gung ho on the baby front and I mentioned my insecurities about everything and he lost it. I understand how much he wants this, but he has to understand my fears and reservations about the whole thing. I just want to know someone that this was successful for to tell me, go for it Bec it isn't that bad and the payouts are even better, but no one has told me that. All of the times we were doing IUI, I knew people that it worked for and that is what kept me going, but this person losing a baby time and time again from IVF, has taken my last bit of hope out of me. I know that we have time before doing anything, thank God, but still IVF is on my mind. Fourthly, one of my students big brothers was killed in a motorcycle accident. Attending that funeral this past week was one of the saddest things I have seen. No one should have bury their child and I don't understand why people do all the time. I don't know how Mom's do it. Lastly, right now is hard enough as Chris and I are both thinking about last year at this time when I was pregnant and seeing that positive test. It seems like forever ago that happened and then the nightmare that never ended sees like eons ago. However, when I look at my scars on my abdomen daily, I am quickly reminded of everything. I just hope that real soon something reaches out and touches me on what to do and feel. Maybe I can talk about this at my support group, but at the same time I feel so weird as none of the people there have been through what I have and can't really relate. Any how, I am ending this as I could go on days and days about my feelings. I am sure I will write in the next week or so more about my feelings.

No Real Reason

For some reason tonight, I felt the urge to write. Maybe it has to do with the phone call I got last night from Chris as he was doing an overnight. For some reason our fertility issues have been the topic of conversation with his buddies which kind of creeps me out, but on the other hand makes me feel better knowing that Chris can open up about things. Any how, he is all about going to another doctor now that will start over with us and start at square one instead of doing Invitro. I am seriously at a loss for words. He said that more or less when Dr. Brabec told us no more, that he was finally feeling comfortable with things and was really and truly ready for this. What I wanted to say is what the hell were we doing this past year then! I mean seriously. I really didn't answer Chris either way when he said this, but of course this is all that has been going through my mind. I don't want to start over and I don't want to do IVF either, but we both want the same end result. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just feel like screaming to be honest with you. It was a year ago at this time that we conceived the baby that I lost. Maybe we need to give it another go, but who knows. Can you say frustrated because that is what I am right now... The peace of mind I have had for the past few months with having a plan is now gone. I guess it will just be something we will have to talk about and weigh out everything. This roller coaster is never going to stop I feel like and to be honest I just want off.

Those Horrible Words

There is something about seeing the words "Not Pregnant" on a pregnancy test that just does me in. I was late this month and was actually feeling pregnant which of course immediately had my husband saying I need to do a test. I did and I saw those horrible two words again. I can't even describe the pain and anger I felt when I saw those words as that test went flying into the trashcan. I was so hopeful that it would be positive and that we wouldn't need a plan any more, but not the case. I finally started the other day and it has been one of the weirdest cycles I have had with cramps that nothing would take care of including prescription drugs. I am trying not to think about it and ready for this new month, but at the same time I don't want to think about it and see if that helps, but everyone knows that I will be counting the days and know exactly when we would need to have sex as I can't get that part of this whole process out of my system. How weird would it be if I did get prego this month or next month as those were the months I conceived last year. I honestly think it would creep me out to say the least. Who knows, but I am hopeful.