Pain

Right now it feels as if my heart is being yanked out all over again for some reason. I thought the due date for the baby I lost was hard, but for some reason the happiness and then nightmare at this time last year is playing out in my head even more. Has it really been a year since getting the injections into my hipbones to kill my hormones and the baby! Unreal... When I think about that and then everything that happened afterwards, it seems surreal. I am really having a hard time with just focusing right now on anything but that. I know that the next few weeks will be that way as my pregnancy really wasn't over for another 3 weeks when I had surgery to find out if my tube was bursting as I had passed the baby, but the pain was still there in full force. I really wish I had started this blog back then and was able to go back and reflect on my feelings. Maybe it would help me right now or then again maybe it would just remind me of the pain and heartache. I remember just sitting at my computer playing an online game over and over to just try to escape the reality of the whole thing. I remember that and how much weight I dropped. Right now I don't feel like talking about any of this and just keep wondering am I ever going to be a mom. I really need to find someone that did IVF that I know that had luck and is telling me to go for it. I just need that little push to keep me going. Right now I am thinking of throwing myself back into the gym scene to take my mind off of things. I am still holding out for a miracle and would love to prove my doctor wrong. Prayers would be great right now...