Ho Hum

Ho Hum is the way that I am feeling right now. Every time when I decide that I want to write something about how I am feeling, I always reread the last few posts to see how much things have changed. Today as I am about to write, I am sad for my friends daughter who did IVF for the 3rd time to get pregnant only to lose the babies again. My heart aches about this for so many reasons. For one, I don't get it. Why does God toy with people's emotions like this. I am sure she would of rather have seen a negative test instead of getting excited to only have her HCG number plummet and lose the baby. Second of all, the hope that I was having about IVF is gone. I was still on the edge about doing IVF, but now another loss for an amazing person makes me wonder if Chris and I have made the right decision. Third of all, Chris just keeps upping the ante on things. He is so gung ho on the baby front and I mentioned my insecurities about everything and he lost it. I understand how much he wants this, but he has to understand my fears and reservations about the whole thing. I just want to know someone that this was successful for to tell me, go for it Bec it isn't that bad and the payouts are even better, but no one has told me that. All of the times we were doing IUI, I knew people that it worked for and that is what kept me going, but this person losing a baby time and time again from IVF, has taken my last bit of hope out of me. I know that we have time before doing anything, thank God, but still IVF is on my mind. Fourthly, one of my students big brothers was killed in a motorcycle accident. Attending that funeral this past week was one of the saddest things I have seen. No one should have bury their child and I don't understand why people do all the time. I don't know how Mom's do it. Lastly, right now is hard enough as Chris and I are both thinking about last year at this time when I was pregnant and seeing that positive test. It seems like forever ago that happened and then the nightmare that never ended sees like eons ago. However, when I look at my scars on my abdomen daily, I am quickly reminded of everything. I just hope that real soon something reaches out and touches me on what to do and feel. Maybe I can talk about this at my support group, but at the same time I feel so weird as none of the people there have been through what I have and can't really relate. Any how, I am ending this as I could go on days and days about my feelings. I am sure I will write in the next week or so more about my feelings.