I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized. Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was. I then knew I was going to get sick. I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick. I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine. A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time. I was pretty close to the same time even. I am now home and emotional. I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body.
Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having. I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did. I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back. I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered. I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready. Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do. I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more. However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again, I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me. I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment. I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either. I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better.
I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest. Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it. I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need. Right now I need lots of strength and prayers. I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on. Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help. I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.
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