Overwhelmed and Venting

Today I just felt like crying as everything is just really hitting me right now.  On Monday I had to pay for my IVF and that was a big shock to the system.  Then on Tuesday, I had to pay for the medications and I got my chain jerked around just a bit.  I did get them paid for and they will arrive at my school tomorrow.  They told me that I need to check all of the vials and make sure that they aren't broken.  I was actually a bit excited as that means that I will soon be taking them.  :)  Then on top of all of this, packing up my classroom for my new grade next year, the end of the year, all of the things I have committed to, people asking me to do things like planning events for school, and just overall fears about the whole process, I feel like I am about to break.  I am trying to stay so positive about everything, but for some reason it is all just getting to me right now.  I know everyone says I am SuperWoman and that I amaze them in how I do it all, but right now I just feel like I need to unwind and decompress from it all.  I hate to vent and complain, but right now I just need too.  I am hoping that a night out with my closest friends tomorrow will be just what I need.  I am also hoping that venting on my blog will help.  I just need to keep going and think positive.  My friends keep telling me my glass is half full and to keep looking at it that way.  I just need to get over this little bump as I start injections next Thursday.  Only 7 more days.  I hope that God can help me regroup and gather myself as I need his support right now for sure.

Decisions

We have hit another bump on this road to motherhood.  I finally started this month after intense cramping for days and did I mention it took 40 days this cycle.  For some reason I feel like this is a sign that we just need to quit trying and focus our energy else where.  I feel so strongly that I think I am done with acupuncture too as my package is done and I have to pay again.  Maybe Chris and I need to give up on being parents and find something that we enjoy doing together.  I am really at a loss for words to be honest and emotional.  I am hoping that I can figure out what I need to do in my heart and head.  Then on top of that hearing that someone I am close to is pregnant after trying for a short time.  I am just really bumming right now and need to just relax and try to move on.  Someday life will get easier and less complicated for us.  I sure hope God can give me strength right now.

Frustration! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Lately I feel like I have hit the biggest wall of frustration.  The reason behind all of this frustration is a combination of so many people and events including all of the drama with my family, but of course the biggest is the ongoing battle with infertility. 

Being late this month and having symptoms was the biggest contributor.  You know that you don't want to get your hopes up, but it is so easy to do it.  I just keep wondering with each day and no spotting, could this be, could I really be pregnant?  Then the spotting started a few days later.  Now here it is Wednesday and I am cramping so hard, but haven't really started.  I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with my body.  I am so tired of being patient and hearing everyone tell me that I just need to relax.  I hate to tell all of you that isn't the problem.  There is seriously something with my body that doesn't want me to get pregnant and I am convinced of that.  I don't know what it is and either do the doctors, but it is something.  This something has caused me so much grief and emotion that isn't right.  I am angry and just want to scream about it.  I honestly feel right now as if I am not supposed to be able to carry a child.  I know that is a horrible thing to think and feel, but no one has told me differently in the 5 years we have been trying.  Yes, we know I can get pregnant, but can I carry it, who knows.  I lost one for sure that we know of and there were other times that I just wouldn't take a test after being late to find out.  I am really sick and tired of this roller coaster that I am on and I want off.  I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that it is ok, get off, stop trying, but no one would dare say that to me as they know being a mom is everything I want and more.  I just don't know where to turn or where to go right now. 

Yes, we have options on becoming parents, but which path do I take.  How do I know what is right for us?  Do we go to a 2nd doctor?  Do we do IVF?  Do we find a surrogate?  Do we adopt?  Chris and I have talked about all of these and we just don't know what to do any more.  He is even at the point that he doesn't believe in God and say is praying is pointless and it is all science.  I know that he doesn't mean it, but he is saying it because he is frustrated and he is tired of not having any control on our destiny.  I think that is what bothers us the most.  We are in control of so many things in our life and this is one thing we have no control over and it sucks.  I wish I knew a better word to use, but that is the only one I can think of that truly describes how I feel right now.  Life sucks and it is so unfair.  The one good thing that has come from all of this, is that Chris and I are so close and get closer with each day. Yes, we argue and fight about all of this, but we both just want the same end result and he doesn't want me to endure any more physical pain.  I am really lucky to have such a wonderful husband with all of this.  

I have so many wonderful friends that would be excellent parents and they are in the same boat as us.  Yes, their circumstances are different as everyone's body is different, but they have the same hurt.  Then you have these yahoos that get pregnant that don't want the child, the state takes care of the child, and the child gets mistreated.  Why....why would God give those people a child and not someone wonderful like Chris and I or any of my infertile friends.  I hate it.  I have had all of this bottled up and now it is all coming unleashed as I am more than angry.  Where do Chris and I go from here, who knows? 

Like I said we have options, but at this point neither one of us are in a place to make a decision on those options.  Then on top of that we don't have the funds to even begin to start one of these paths.  I guess we will just save as we both keep getting older and life keeps passing us by.  Meanwhile I will put on my happy face and act like everything is ok. 

I love being a teacher and get such joy from those kids and their parents, but I feel like such an outsider in their world.  What do I mean by that?  I have some of the greatest friends in the world that have been there for me through all of this, but when we get together with the kids or even just for a girls night, I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I don't really belong.  Here they share the greatest thing on earth of being parents and I am just married.  You know feeling this way is probably the way some of my friends felt after I got married and they were still single.  You kind of feel like a third wheel to the whole situation.  I hate that I feel this way, but it is the reality  Hell I even feel this way at family functions or playing with my nieces and nephew that I love..  More and more of my friends that are without child, are now becoming parents leaving me in the dust.  I know that Chris and I can't go through life without having our own child.  So that just puts us back to the beginning on where the hell do I go from here.

If you are reading this, don't be surprised, if I don't want to talk about any of this.  I really wanted to write this to vent all of my frustrations right now before I implode.  I will be ok eventually, but right now I just need time to think and sort out all of Chris and my feelings.  Like I said before...I couldn't get through life without all of my amazing friends, "sistas", and family, but just know I love you guys and I feel your support.  Just bear with me during this crazy time.