Heavy Heart

There are a few times each year that really hit Chris and I that we don't have a child and Christmas is definitely one of the worst.  I am not exactly sure how to describe it, but Chris said it is best last night as we were laying in bed crying.  He said that our house is dark and not happy.  He said that he literally feels a pain in his heart and it is hard to breath.  I have to say that I couldn't agree more with him.  Who seriously would have thought 5 Christmases ago when everyone found out we were trying that we would struggle to complete our family.  Yes, we are optimistic about this new doctor, but in my heart and head I don't want to do this.  I really just don't know what to do.  Chris and I just laid in bed and he held me and I cried.  It honestly was the best gift he could give me in that he opened up about everything and he said that it even made him feel better.  I spent most of the night crying and thinking.  I have so many thoughts about all of this and honestly just wish someone would smack me across the head and tell me what to do.  I am really dreading the rest of this Christmas Day.  I love my family dearly and feel their support with each step I take, but I just wish that one of them would really understand how we feel.  The reality in that is that will never happen as they each had no problems starting their family and are happier than ever.  I love having my nieces in my life and would do anything for them, but it isn't the same.  I wish I could say that I am happy.  Yes, I married my best friend and love him dearly, but I still feel like I am keeping him from having a child as I know this is all my fault.  Sigh....  I could write all day about how I am really feeling about all of this, but is it really going to make me feel better, probably not.  I guess I had better go take a shower and get ready for Christmas at my parents.  It really doesn't feel like the holidays at all to me, just another day that I want over to try to move on.