Pregnant...With Bad Memories

I don't think the fact that I am pregnant has really and truly hit me just yet.  Yes, I feel pregnant and I really and truly believe that everything is happening the way it should be, but there are memories playing in the back of my head that are making me feel insecure.  The last time I was pregnant, I was so happy.  I remember going in for beta 1 and hearing the confirmation that I was pregnant.  Then came beta 2 and I heard that my number doubled and things were looking more than great.  Then came beta 3 and 4 where I heard that the hormone level was slowing down and not doubling which lead to my horrific miscarriage.  I know with that pregnancy I have no idea on what quality of embryo I had and how fertilization took place.  This time though I know that we put in 100% grade A embryos that couldn't have been better.  Why is it that I can't put those memories out of my head!  I know that that this time my beta hormone test showed that things tripled which is more than good, but in the back of my head I want another beta test just to show that things are really good.  I think I am so scared that I am going to lose this baby or babies.  I talked to one of my amazing nurses today and they scheduled me another beta test for tomorrow just to give me peace of mind.  I know in my head that things are fine, but the memories in my heart are killing me.  I want this so bad and I really and truly believe it is meant to be, but I just can't focus.  Who knows if I will go for the beta test tomorrow or not.  I know that I have another week until my ultrasound to see firsthand what is developing and to have some sort of peace of mind will help.  Tonight I will talk to my husband and pray in hopes that I will decide what to do.  I know that we will still have tons of people praying for us too.  I just wish for once that something on my path to motherhood would be easy. 

Bloodwork for Baseline

Today was the day I was ready for as it was the baseline bloodwork to make sure that everything for my IVF was really going to happen.  I am still doing the lupron, but I finally got to stop taking birth control which really means that this journey is starting.  My baseline bloodwork was to show that everything was quiet and that the drugs had shut down everything for the time being.  If my bloodwork didn't come back right, Chris and I would have to head to St. Louis for an ultrasound and possible have everything halted.  I was so nervous to go in this morning for blood, but everything came back GREAT!  We are now one step closer to taking the Gonal F next week and really moving forward.  The reality is really here on top of all of the side effects that I am still having from the drugs.  My tummy issues have driven me really nuts and I was relieved to find out that I can take Pepto to help.  I even went to acupuncture this week to try to calm my body and to help out with the side effects.  When I told her about my upset tummy, she immediately put in a needle into my right wrist.  I just about jumped off the table it hurt so bad, but I trust Shamayne so much.  She pulled it out a bit and I finally relaxed through the session somewhat.  It really hurt afterwards and boy was I shocked to wake up the next day and see this.

This picture doesn't do it justice, but I now have a HUGE bruise where that needle went.  The good news is that it worked and it actually took care of my tummy so I could eat that night.  I am seeing Shamayne again next week and I am curious if she will make my other wrist match it.  I have never had anything happen like this from acupuncture.  The lady that drew my blood this morning said that my stomach much have really had some issues for it to bruise like this.  I told you I am special.  Any how, ready for next week and to get another step closer.  One last thing, I have TONS of amazing friends and family that are supporting us right now.  I have friends helping me pack up my classroom to move to a smaller room, my sister in law bringing me ginger and Sprite as that is all I am having right now, and then there are all of the supportive people that just send sweet little messages that keep us going.  It is definitely hard to keep being positive when I feel like crap, but I am being positive in my heart and head.  So ready to be a mom!

Better News

Today was much better news from Dr. Ahlering!  He immediately started off by saying that all of my bloodwork supports that there is lots of follicles and eggs in me still!  WOO HOO!  He didn't give me exact numbers, but he was more than pleased with my bloodwork and really thinks this is going to work.  He said it again, he thinks it is going to work.  I asked him if this bloodwork shows if my eggs are good or bad based on my FSH levels.  He said that you really can't truly tell if they are good eggs or bad eggs until they harvest them for the IVF cycle.  It is then you will see the eggs develop into embryos or fizzle out.  He said that you can have good batches and bad batches of eggs it just depends on the eggs. There is no blood test or unltrasound that can determine quality of the eggs.

The most exciting part of the phone call was hearing that Dr. A, doesn't think that I have PCOS based on my blood tests either!  BIGGER WOO HOO!  He said that there is nothing to indicate this except for the fact that my ovaries had a lot of eggs on the ultrasound that we did last week.  He said yes that I have irregular cycles and lots of follicles, but nothing else indicates that I have true PCOS.  He isn't 100% sure at this time if I have to take Metformin or not, but he doesn’t think that will help me with an IVF cycle especially with the side effects that I experience with this drug. He said in the old days people thought that Metformin improved eggs, but that doesn’t pan out in his eyes with all of the research that has been done since that time.  He said a true PCOS patient has lots of irregularities on the labwork and my bloodwork doesn't show that.  I asked him if I still had to do those other 2 blood tests and he said no not at this time, but he is going to recheck my files to double check.  He did tell me to let him know when I start this month so I can start on birth control to get my body more stable and ready for IVF.  I can't believe that in about two months we are going to be starting this process!  Unreal!

I have dates for everything now too!  Here is what he said about how the whole thing will work.  He did say that I need to read on his blog about IVF at a distance to figure out how we are going to make this work. It isn't going to be easy with it being the end of the school year and packing up my classroom, but I can do it, I am superwoman!

Not sure on what day I start medications, but it is usually day 1.  Based on my blood tests, I am going to have to do minimal amount of drug which means lower costs!  WOO HOO!  I am thinking more like 2 grand instead of 3 to 6 grand like it said on the financial sheet. 

May 31: Day 9 of my Cycle (Appointment Day)  Chris and I will go to St. Louis to have my eggs measured and see how the drugs are working.  This will establish a lot of information on how the rest of the week will work.

5 to 7 days from there is when they harvest the eggs, but that all depends on how my eggs grow and how many eggs I have.  We want at least 20 eggs for a good chance of IVF working.  I am not too concerned as last week I had over 20 eggs and that was without drugs.

Gap of 5 days after that is when they implant them back in.  He said that he implants 2 eggs or embryos back in.  He chooses the best 2 embryos that were harvested and puts them back in which is very similar to how they do the IUI procedure which I had done numerous times.  It isn't fun, but it is tolerable.  Then a couple of days of relaxation in which they will hopefully implant in.

Then the worst part...waiting two weeks to find out if it worked.  I am so excited and nervous all at the same time.  Now it is time to try to save up as much as we can and charge the rest of the costs.  After thinking about it, this is more than worth it and I know it is going to work as God has led us on this road and I have the greatest support group made up of amazing friends and family.  Nothing but happy thoughts these next two months.  I still can't believe we are doing this!

Full Steam Ahead!

I think I have a smile still on my face after our little getaway to St. Louis to see the doctor.  I didn't sleep very much last night as I was so nervous about finding out if my dreams were going to be dashed.  When we walked into the place, I immediately was welcomed by a nice, clean, and modern office.  It was very welcoming and I felt at ease.  Chris of course was more on edge, but that is to be expected since he gets to do all of the appointments with me as we both have to travel to St. Louis together.  The nurse came and got me and asked me a few questions.  I of course, immediately asked if they have my blood results and she said still no.  I was to nervous to dwell on that too much, but I did think that was over a week ago and they should have the results.  When I was brought into the room for the ultrasound, I couldn't believe how nice it was.  The computer ultrasound machine was new and there were other high tech gadgets that my other office didn't have.  I know I need to quit comparing the two offices, but I do that all the time.  Any how, when Dr. Ahlering came in, which seemed like forever, he immediately put me at ease.  To be honest this was my first appt with a male doctor.  Chris just sat in the corner and was grossed out.  :)  Any how, he said that we were going to do a couple of tests.  I reminded him that this was day 13 for me and I was more than concerned that my follicles or eggs would be gone already and told him about my first month that I was to do IUI years ago and how my eggs just disappeared.  He said that we will just see what we see.  He did a test first that involved looking at my cervix and taking a specimen....not fun, but it was easier than it had been in the past it was very similar to IUI and how they will implant the embryos back in.  Then came the dreaded ultrasound.  I was so nervous just laying there and Chris just kept looking at my face.  First thing he looked at was my uterus and it looked great is what he said.  Then he said my lining was nice and thick which is good.  Then came the part I was dreading. looking at my ovaries to see if I had any follicles.  He looked at my right one and I still can't believe what I saw...  10 follicles or eggs!!!!!!!!!!!  I couldn't believe it with my own eyes.  Here I thought I was only having like 1 or 2 follicles a month and to see this.  I had one that was rather large that he thinks I will ovulate later this week.  He told me to buy a predictor kit and try on our own later this weekend.  :)  Then he looked at my other ovary and there were 20 more follicles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Alright the downside to this is now I have to have more bloodwork to see if I have PCOS, but to be honest that isn't a big deal right now other than going on the metformin which will make me sick, but I have EGGS!  He said that this is fantastic news as it shows my ovarian reserve may be deplenishing, but it isn't gone just yet and it is still working hard.  :)  I am so happy!  He said that this is the best case scenario as we want to be able to retrieve like 20 eggs for an IVF cycle.  The fact that I had almost 30 with no drugs, just means that I won't have to do as much drugs as some people and he thinks that this is going to work and we are going to get the end result that we want.  I started to tear up hearing this.  Did he just say that he thinks I am going to get pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just looked at Chris and he was beaming from ear to ear.  We really feel like everything is falling into place.  I told him that we want to do this and what is next.  He said that once I have my next period, I will be on birth control until it is time to start our IVF cycle.  In doing this it forces my body to be normal (that was funny to hear) and put me on a regular schedule.  It also will get me on the same cycle as the other women who are doing IVF at the same time.  Nice.  He said that once he has all of my blood tests that we will confer again.  I am set for another phone conference with him on March 4th to go over everything and really lay out our plan.  This will also give us more idea of what is coming up.  I still can't believe we are doing this.  I have another phone conference on March 3rd with the IVF consultant to go over the financial side.  I did find out that teachers get a discount!!  WOO HOO!  My day is just getting better with all of this.  Right now we are just on cloud 9 and anxious to get more information to get this going.  I still can't believe that the doctor said that this is going to work.  :)  On our long drive home we were talking about names as I have this feeling we are going to end up with multiples and I have a girl name, which I am not sharing, but Chris has a boy name picked out now.  It is Gomez.  :)  We laughed almost the whole way home on that one.  (That isn't the real name, but it was funny thinking of how that sounded with our last name.)  We are both so happy and I love him more than ever.  WE will get through this and be parents in just a short time, I just know it.  Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers as we couldn't do this without you.  My sister gave me an Italian prayer card which I am going to read daily to help me get through this and keep my spirits up.  This is definitely in God's hands, but it seems to finally be working out in our favor which is about time.  Two years ago at this time we were doing IUI and ended up pregnant.  It seems forever ago.

Bloodwork Done

Oh me oh my!  What a Valentine's Day!  I went for my bloodwork this morning and was shocked to see the lady at Quest print off sheet after sheet of tests that they were doing.  Did I forget to mention that I am terrified of needles and blood!!!!!  I asked the lady how many tubes are you taking?  She looked at me and said 11!!!!  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and faint.  We started and I had to lay down as I was going to faint.  11 tubes later we were done and she got the blood out of the room so I could sit up.  I hope that I don't have to do that again.  I remember doing that the first time I started infertility treatment thinking never again and here I am again.  I felt like crap the rest of the day and I still have a headache.  I just wish I would have my results tomorrow, but with my doctor out of town until Thursday I guess I will have to wait until then to hear the results.  I had my fingers crossed the whole time praying that I won't have to go back on Metformin, but I am sure I will.  On the flip side if I need that drug to help my insulin levels to get pregnant, I will do anything.  I am ready to face this challenge and adventure with no regrets.  I guess we will see later week the first part of my results and find out if I am even a candidate for IVF still.  I am going to pray extra hard these next few days that everything works out alright.  Tonight as my husband and I hugged on this romantic day, we both know that we are ready for this and ready to get on this road again.  We are in this together!

Date Set

I finally have dates set for my tests and now I know that I am going to know something in a few weeks.  I go on Monday for the bloodwork to determine the quality of my eggs and levels.  I have to say that I am more than nervous, but like a friend said even if my eggs aren't good, there are always other options.  I hope that I find out pretty quickly the results of my tests.  I have a feeling that I will be on pins and needles.  Then I go in to see my new doctor for the first time on the 22nd to see how many eggs I have left and check my follicles.  Even more nervous, but anxious to meet my new doctor in person and see what he says.  In talking to the receptionist today, I figured out that once you choose the month you want to do this, that then you are set on the same date as everyone else in that month.  They make everyones cycles do the same thing so they can make things easier for them.  The reason I can't get in on the 21st is he seeing all of the people a part of the March cycle.  I guess I will be a part of the June group.  I think it is smart to do it this way and know that the other people in the office are in the exact same boat, but I am anxious to see how they do this as my body is screwy.  I guess we will see what I find out.  I hope that I find out results sooner than later or I might go insane.  I am really ready to get this ball rolling if you can't tell.