Breakdown

Wow...last night was emotional.  I am not sure what exactly happened, but my hubby just snapped.  I think that he finally had enough bottled up inside regarding our journey and just lost it.  As bad as I felt that he was crying, it was nice to see as sometimes it just kills me that he doesn't open up to me on how he feels with this whole process.  I am not sure what brought all of this on last night, but it probably had to do with the fact that I had been talking to my new doctor in St. Louis and trying to coordinate things with them as I had started that day.  I don't think he was ready to hear that they wanted to see me this month as we thought that we weren't doing anything until June, but like I told him we have to do these tests to get a plan of action laid out for this June.  All he kept saying to me is we aren't bad people why is God putting us through this.  Honestly, that is the way I feel each month when I start my period.  I really wish that someone would answer that question.  We both just feel like we are punished over and over with this journey and it doesn't ever get any easier.  We both really feel as if this new path we are on with the new doctor is going to answer our prayers and dreams, but it still doesn't make it any easier getting to that point.  We are going to do these tests next month when hopefully the weather is cooperating to make the drive to St. Louis and then we will have answers on what this doctor thinks.  Are we still nervous to hear what he thinks, you bet, but his insight is only going to lead us to the end result that we want.  Like I have said before...these are just the bumps that we encounter that make us stronger.

Nervous...

Right now I am just feeling nervous about my new path with this new doctor even though at first I was so excited.  He wants to do some tests to find out how many eggs I have left and the quality of them.  I am really nervous to see what my tests show and even if IVF is still at option.  I think deep down that is what I am scared about is finding out that I my eggs aren't good and we can't conceive.  I hate that I feel this way, but I know that I am not getting any younger and either are my eggs. 

At times I am so excited about the whole thing, but deep down I am scared out of my mind as I feel like this is my last option and I am just waiting for this doctor to drop some horrible bombshell on me. I think a lot of the way I am feeling is coming from the fact that it just all seems to good to be true right now with the cost, how open the doctor is with Chris and I, and how it feels like being a mom is just out within my grasp. I am just scared deep down inside and I am really scared to get my hopes up over it all. As you know this whole thing just rips at your heart out over and over and I am just not sure how much more I have in me. I am just scared that with the blood test and ultrasound he is going to change his tune. I wish we were doing IVF tomorrow so I wouldn't have to stew about it until May or June. I am sure in that huge time span, I am going to have highs and lows about this whole thing over and over.

On top of that I am feeling weird as if my period is coming too. I just wish we could get our miracle and not have to do this at all, but that isn't happening on its own.  How amazing would it have been to have had the ovulation I felt on Christmas Day be God's gift to us this Christmas.  Any how, I just need to pump myself up again get through these tests and hear what he says. Depending on what the doctor writes me back to my email I sent him today depends if I do the tests this week or wait until next month as they have to be a certain day of your cycle. I would rather not drive to St. Louis this week with the crummy weather and cold.

Like I said more or less I am just scared in all areas...what he is going to say and actually doing this. I know I am strong, but deep down I wonder how strong I am.  I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family that are supporting me through this with every step.  I am sure if you read this, I am going to get an email telling me things are fine and quit stressing, but just know I really and truly have a fear about this whole process.  I just wish I could be normal.