Dealing

Last week I went for acupuncture and talked to my doctor about everything I was feeling mentally and physically.  She told me that the way that I was feeling is normal and I have every right to feel that way.  She explained to me that if I didn't feel this way, that she would be worried.  I talked to her about how people in my life say things to me about how it will happen when it happens or reduce the stress and she told me to tell those people to f off.  I was literally shocked when she told me that, but it made me feel better.  I asked her a lot of questions that I needed answered and she gave me answers.  I asked her if she was just saying these things to keep the money flow coming or did she mean it.  She said that she did mean it and she would tell me if she thought I should stop going.  Since that appointment I felt so much better about everything.  Then later that week I did something stupid and have been paying for it since.  I accidentally took some old fertility drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and knew instantly when I was sick that night.  Good times..but that showed me that I really don't want to go back on that path of taking drugs again.  Then that either was the beginning side of the drugs or me getting the flu.  Then on top of that I have had a lot of pain on my ovaries.  I am going to give it until the end of the week before going to the doctor.  I am hoping my body is just trying to produce quality eggs.  I am trying to think more positive about this instead of negatively.  I guess we will see at the end of the week what is going on.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us...

The Talk

Last night Chris and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything.  It amazes me how he will actually discuss these issues now where as just a few years ago I couldn't even say the word egg.  He even talks to other people at work both women and men.  I think him opening up now about how he really feels sad and disappointed each month shows me that if we were to go to another doctor that he would be more in tune with me, treatment, and my appointments.  I am not saying that is where we are headed, but it his positive attitude about everything just inspires me.  Here I was saying that we need to decide what to do as there is definitely something wrong with me and this isn't going to happen and he sees it as each month that I don't have the normal symptoms of a period and longer cycles, that something is trying to happen and we are getting closer.  I don't know.  He said that he wants me to shell out money for another round of acupuncture too and keep going.  I am just shocked as earlier this week he wanted me to be done.  He said that we are still young and he knows of people that are in the same situation as us that just found out that they are pregnant and they are much older.  I told him that I feel guilty as I feel like I am keeping him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a dad as we both know it is my fault and then I just broke down.  When we are angry with one another, that does get thrown in each others faces which is the most hurtful thing we can say to each other at this time and place in our lives.  He said that he doesn't blame me and that we are a team in this.  I told him that we need to decide when we are going to look into adoption and he just said NO.  He said he is really and truly not comfortable with adoption.  I told him that my mom said that we should foster a child first to see if we become attached to that child and that would allow us to see if we could adopt.  Chris said not yet we have another 5 years, but to be honest I don't think I can take another 5 years of this roller coaster.  He said he sees us now having two kids.  (That is shocking as he is the one that has said all along that he wanted one child)  He keeps praying, but he still doesn't believe in God again.  Myself on the other hand, I feel the same way too.  I keep praying, but I am not sure who too, but it does make me feel a lot better to get my feelings off my chest nightly.  It just amazes me lately of all of the people that I am hearing about that are in the same boat as us.  I don't feel so alone, but then on the flip side you sure do feel alone when you hear about another person that announces their pregnancy.  So where does this leave Chris and I right now....we are going to keep plugging away, I am going to hit the gym to burn some frustration a few days a week, acupuncture once a week, and keep being open and loving with one another.  We are going to keep praying for our miracle and that someone sees this as the time is right for us.  I hope that all of our friends and family will keep doing the same for us as we need it.  We jumped another hurdle in this bumpy road and we may be bruised emotionally, but in a way I feel stronger.  One month from yesterday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  I am sure that will be the next bump we have to jump, but I know that Chris and I are strong enough and love each other that we will do it together tears and all.  I am lucky to have such a supporting and loving hubby.  I just need to keep my head above water and keep treading with the currents that come my way.  I am not giving up....  :)  I have my best friend Chris by my side.  Love ya babe!   

Decisions

We have hit another bump on this road to motherhood.  I finally started this month after intense cramping for days and did I mention it took 40 days this cycle.  For some reason I feel like this is a sign that we just need to quit trying and focus our energy else where.  I feel so strongly that I think I am done with acupuncture too as my package is done and I have to pay again.  Maybe Chris and I need to give up on being parents and find something that we enjoy doing together.  I am really at a loss for words to be honest and emotional.  I am hoping that I can figure out what I need to do in my heart and head.  Then on top of that hearing that someone I am close to is pregnant after trying for a short time.  I am just really bumming right now and need to just relax and try to move on.  Someday life will get easier and less complicated for us.  I sure hope God can give me strength right now.

Waiting Game

I know that the minute I sit down to write this that I am going to start, but I would rather start instead of wondering for another week.  Today is day 39 of my cycle and I have yet to start.  Of course in the back of my head am I am wondering if maybe I am pregnant, but then in the front of my head is the reality saying my body is so screwed up that this is nothing and I will start any day.  Then I start wondering how many days will I give it until I do a test, but I know that there is no way I would do one until next weekend for sure.  I am sure tomorrow I will hear it from my acupuncturist about not doing a test.  On that front how much longer am I am going to give my acupuncture treatments?  I just wish that my life could be a hell of a lot easier on this front.  So...I guess let the waiting begin and hopefully let my nerves calm down to get me through this. 

Acupuncture and Dreams

I have had a lot on my mind lately and have been meaning to write, but with the start of school, I have been busy.  However, the baby making concept has still been on my mind.  I have been doing acupuncture once a week and I don't like it at all, but I can tell a difference from it.  The lady that I see has made me a real believer in what I am doing.  Each time I go and she tells me about my pulse, I think I am on the right path.  I did have a cycle already as I was going through the treatments and I was really late which had my hopes up, but when I did start I could tell something was different in my cycle in a good way.  Now I should be ovulating again any day and we will see what happens this month.  I am kind of taking a more laid back approach this month, but I just know in my gut that this isn't our month.  I am really thinking that the next cycle everything will be great.  When I first started treatment she said that it would be a good 2 to 3 months.  I have total trust in her with all of this.  I really  hope my doctor realizes how much I think of her and how I have all of my eggs in her basket. 

On the flip side we have maybe come into a lot of money which could open up a lot of doors for Chris and I on becoming parents.  He doesn't want to talk about it, but it is definitely on my mind that we could use this money for IVF or adoption.  I really feel like this is a sign from Chris's Nana and she is rooting us on from heaven just like she did when she was alive.  I just really need to figure out what to do, but then on the flip side maybe we will have a miracle and be able to put that money for something for Chris and I.  I really feel that he and I need a getaway just the two of us.  We need it.  Any how acupuncture is tomorrow and we will see what happens from that.  More to come soon!

Last bit of info that is on my mind.  November 15th is creeping up and the thought that would be our babies first birthday really makes me ill.  I don't think I will ever get over the loss and that date.  Sigh

New Leaf

I haven't written in a month and I actually have new news to report.  About 4 weeks ago I went for my first round of acupuncture.  I still can't believe I did it.  I was so scared to say the least, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Just a few of the needles hurt and the idea that this could solve my problems made it all worth it.  The lady I see made me some huge promises in that she says I will probably be pregnant in 2 to 3 months.  I go for my 4th round on Monday and I can honestly tell that it is working.  She said that my uterus can go from being titled to normal.  I have to say that I think she is right.  I am so hopeful.  Trying this has given me that boost of energy that I need and a new hope. 

Today is my birthday and I feel great.  I can't believe that I am 33 today.  It just doesn't seem possible.  When I think back to over 5 years ago and realizing that we were ready to start a family, I never dreamed I would be in the boat I am.  I wanted to be a mom by the time I was 30 and now I am 33.  I know it is just a number, but I feel like a tickimg timebomb.  On the flip side, I finally think that God is thinking it is our time.  Maybe it is the fact that I am more grounded from the acupuncture, but I really feel positive about it all.  This is me saying, I think it is time.  I guess time will see.  Happy Birthday to Me and may this be the year of miracles and wishes coming true. 

Frustration! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Lately I feel like I have hit the biggest wall of frustration.  The reason behind all of this frustration is a combination of so many people and events including all of the drama with my family, but of course the biggest is the ongoing battle with infertility. 

Being late this month and having symptoms was the biggest contributor.  You know that you don't want to get your hopes up, but it is so easy to do it.  I just keep wondering with each day and no spotting, could this be, could I really be pregnant?  Then the spotting started a few days later.  Now here it is Wednesday and I am cramping so hard, but haven't really started.  I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with my body.  I am so tired of being patient and hearing everyone tell me that I just need to relax.  I hate to tell all of you that isn't the problem.  There is seriously something with my body that doesn't want me to get pregnant and I am convinced of that.  I don't know what it is and either do the doctors, but it is something.  This something has caused me so much grief and emotion that isn't right.  I am angry and just want to scream about it.  I honestly feel right now as if I am not supposed to be able to carry a child.  I know that is a horrible thing to think and feel, but no one has told me differently in the 5 years we have been trying.  Yes, we know I can get pregnant, but can I carry it, who knows.  I lost one for sure that we know of and there were other times that I just wouldn't take a test after being late to find out.  I am really sick and tired of this roller coaster that I am on and I want off.  I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that it is ok, get off, stop trying, but no one would dare say that to me as they know being a mom is everything I want and more.  I just don't know where to turn or where to go right now. 

Yes, we have options on becoming parents, but which path do I take.  How do I know what is right for us?  Do we go to a 2nd doctor?  Do we do IVF?  Do we find a surrogate?  Do we adopt?  Chris and I have talked about all of these and we just don't know what to do any more.  He is even at the point that he doesn't believe in God and say is praying is pointless and it is all science.  I know that he doesn't mean it, but he is saying it because he is frustrated and he is tired of not having any control on our destiny.  I think that is what bothers us the most.  We are in control of so many things in our life and this is one thing we have no control over and it sucks.  I wish I knew a better word to use, but that is the only one I can think of that truly describes how I feel right now.  Life sucks and it is so unfair.  The one good thing that has come from all of this, is that Chris and I are so close and get closer with each day. Yes, we argue and fight about all of this, but we both just want the same end result and he doesn't want me to endure any more physical pain.  I am really lucky to have such a wonderful husband with all of this.  

I have so many wonderful friends that would be excellent parents and they are in the same boat as us.  Yes, their circumstances are different as everyone's body is different, but they have the same hurt.  Then you have these yahoos that get pregnant that don't want the child, the state takes care of the child, and the child gets mistreated.  Why....why would God give those people a child and not someone wonderful like Chris and I or any of my infertile friends.  I hate it.  I have had all of this bottled up and now it is all coming unleashed as I am more than angry.  Where do Chris and I go from here, who knows? 

Like I said we have options, but at this point neither one of us are in a place to make a decision on those options.  Then on top of that we don't have the funds to even begin to start one of these paths.  I guess we will just save as we both keep getting older and life keeps passing us by.  Meanwhile I will put on my happy face and act like everything is ok. 

I love being a teacher and get such joy from those kids and their parents, but I feel like such an outsider in their world.  What do I mean by that?  I have some of the greatest friends in the world that have been there for me through all of this, but when we get together with the kids or even just for a girls night, I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I don't really belong.  Here they share the greatest thing on earth of being parents and I am just married.  You know feeling this way is probably the way some of my friends felt after I got married and they were still single.  You kind of feel like a third wheel to the whole situation.  I hate that I feel this way, but it is the reality  Hell I even feel this way at family functions or playing with my nieces and nephew that I love..  More and more of my friends that are without child, are now becoming parents leaving me in the dust.  I know that Chris and I can't go through life without having our own child.  So that just puts us back to the beginning on where the hell do I go from here.

If you are reading this, don't be surprised, if I don't want to talk about any of this.  I really wanted to write this to vent all of my frustrations right now before I implode.  I will be ok eventually, but right now I just need time to think and sort out all of Chris and my feelings.  Like I said before...I couldn't get through life without all of my amazing friends, "sistas", and family, but just know I love you guys and I feel your support.  Just bear with me during this crazy time.