Worried

Right now there are so many emotions going through my body. It is midnight and I am sitting by the phone waiting to hear from Chris as he is doing overnights every night this week to tell him the bad news about his grandpa. His grandpa is very ill and more or less we have been told that it is only a matter of time as is blood pressure is like 70 over 60. I am anticipating another call coming in during the night some time to let us know that he is left us. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts that he can get through this, but right now I have my doubts.

Today was the last day of summer school which means no FSE until August! YEAH! I am so excited!

Alright the real reason I am writing. Today my emotions got the best of me with everything and I broke down to my mom about it all. I have said time and time again that I don't want to talk to my mom about the infertility treatments as it is to hard as I feel like I let her down each month when I have to tell her no that I am not prego, but I felt like I was about to burst if I didn't talk to someone. Between Chris's upcoming inventory at work and everything he is going through with his family, I can't talk to him about the baby thing. Any how, I am really stressing about doing a test. Not worried about seeing a negative, but an actual positive again. I know it sounds crazy as that it what I really want more than anything, but I am so scared. I am so scared to even fathom that I might have to endure the loss of another child and everything I went through before. I don't even know what my reaction will be this weekend if it is positive. How can you get excited as in the back of your head you are anticipating everyday are my levels going up this time, am I going to miscarry, am I able to carry a baby to term? I know what the doctor told me about how common this is to miscarry once and that it probably won't happen again, but in the back of my mind I can't help to think what if? I do know that if I miscarry again for some reason, I am done. This would also more or less solidify in my head that I can't carry a baby to term at all and that if we want to be parents we will have to look into adoption which is something I really don't want to do. There are just so many possible scenarios and what ifs, that I am terrified. I really wish that I could fast forward just a few more days and know something. I hope if you are reading this, you understand what I mean and you aren't thinking that I am being a pessimist. I really and truly have a fear about actually being pregnant again as crazy as that sounds even though I want a baby more than anything in this world. I do know that if we are in for another round of treatment which at this point I am kind of hoping for, I am ready for this. This month was more or less a trial and a way of me getting back up on that horse and trying again. Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming...

Anticipating

So...I said that I wouldn't do this, but I can't help to think right now that we are in for another month of fertility treatment. I don't know why I feel that way and maybe it is just my way of preparing myself like I am known to do, but that is the way I feel. I am hoping that I am wrong and that I am just scared, but who knows. I am trying to be relaxed as I can about it and believe me with just teaching summer school, I am pretty relaxed, but it is just that feeling in the pit of my stomach that keeps telling me something isn't right this month. Chris keeps telling me to quit bring negative, but I am just not being negative, but more like a realist. If we do have to do another month of this, I am hoping that things will be more on our side and my spirits will be lifted. I guess I will know in a few weeks for sure. I wish I could speed up time.

Let the Waiting Begin...

Today was IUI day. YUCK! I got up bright and early to go back out to the doctor's office to get the specimen ready and for my procedure. Luck was on my side and I only had to sit until a little after 9 before they called me back. Normally I sit from 7:30 until almost 10 in the waiting room, but I don't mind to much as all I do is people watch and analyze all the couples. Today I felt really young sitting there as all the couples looked MUCH older than me. Any how, I thought that getting called back early had to be a good sign. I went back and did my procedure and that is enough on that adventure. Every time afterwards while I am laying there in the dark relaxing afterwards I just keep telling myself this is it, I am going to be prego and never have to do this again. I have still been telling myself that for the past how many hours. I seriously NEVER want to do that again, but if I do I do, but I am not I am telling you. I have to stay positive. The pain from it all has set in already and I am hoping that my drugs will kick in as we are leaving for Lake of the Ozarks in just a bit. Now I just have to wait and see what happens in the next few weeks. Don't be surprised if I am prego this month, that I don't tell you on here or lie to you. After everything we have been through, I don't want to get my hopes up and flying high if there is something wrong with the baby again, Enough with the negative talk...I am being positive. I will be pregnant by Sunday! :)

Better News...

Today I went to the doctor again and heard better news. The eggs or follicles that I had on Monday had grown like they should of and were much bigger. As of right now I have two large eggs and a medium sized egg. They are big enough that we are good to go with IUI on Friday which won't effect our weekend plans to Tan-Tar-A for the wedding. THANK GOD! My doctor did want me to do another Follistem shot of hormones though to make the eggs even bigger and more viable. Of course, I hated the idea of another needle this week as I swear I have been poked 5 times since Monday and I still have 2 more to go, but then again if it will make the eggs bigger and easier to fertilize, I am all for it. Luckily my friend Carie was nice enough to give me the injection today as Becky was gone. Now tomorrow night we do another injection, but this time it is the Ovidrel which will cause me to ovulate on Friday into Saturday which is perfect and sets up IUI. I am actually getting excited again and hoping that it is all going to work out, but I know in my heart it is. The people that work at my doctor's office really want this to work for us again and are doing everything to set up the same conditions as last time, but with better end results. Now I just get to wait until Friday for the horrible IUI, but if this is the last time I ever have to do it, I can handle it. Start the positive thoughts and prayers coming!!!! I will be pregnant by Saturday, I just know it!

Frustrated

The only word I know to describe the way I feel right now is frustrated. I think that I might of had my expectations up to high this morning and expected to see and hear more, but that wasn't the case. Right now I have nothing on my right ovary and they say it is dormant this month for some reason. My left one though has 3 eggs, but they aren't big enough just yet and need more time. Last time when I did the shots, my eggs were bigger at this time and I guess that is what frustrates me. I also had eggs on both ovaries which made me really happy. I am just hoping that everything is good to go at this point and more anxious than ever. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her that it feels as if I am not going through this right now. After thinking about that some more, I have decided that might be a good thing as I can't dwell on it, but I do need to be positive. My dr ordered another fertility shot for today to help the eggs increase in size. I go back on Wednesday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. The only positive is that my bloodwork came back through the roof which indicates my body is very hormonal which may explain my sudden cravings for chocolate. They are almost 40 points higher than the last time we did this. I am going to try to think about that instead of the size of the eggs. I guess there is more info to come on Wednesday and hopefully IUI on Friday since we go out of town. I hope that God is on my side this month. I CAN DO THIS!

Relaxing

Today was the day for me to do nothing, but relax and get ready for the upcoming week. Tomorrow I go to the doctor first thing in the morning to have my eggs measured. I am so nervous. I feel like I did the very first time when they were looking at my eggs. I will never forget how excited I was to see the eggs for the first time. I made my nurse print pictures to show Chris. :) I am not sure why I am so nervous, but I am just hoping that there is something going on in there. I feel like there is something with the pain that I am having which indicates a dominate follicle or egg, but I never know any more. Then on the flip side, I hope that there aren't too many eggs. My mind is one big jumbled mess right now. There are so many possible scenarios for tomorrow. I guess I am just anxious to see something and know that my body is really back on track after everything I have been through. I am sure that if there is something that they will say do another hormone shot tonight and come back on Wednesday to see if the eggs have grown. This is what always seems to happen to me, but I would rather have the eggs be almost mature before IUI than to small. I guess I have just under 12 hours until I will know for sure. I wish that I could fast forward to tomorrow morning and get this over with. I just have to keep telling myself, I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL BE PREGNANT! :)

Emotions

I would say that right now my emotions are through the roof and all I want to eat is CHOCOLATE CAKE! Here it is Thursday and it was day 2 of fertility injections. Thank God for my friend Becky as she has been a real trooper about administering my shots. I feel very blessed to have her as such a good friend. I really don't know what I would do without her. She has made a tough situation that much easier as I feel comfortable with her giving my injections. We have even laughed each time which I thought would never happen!

I forgot how the meds make me feel. Each night I have been having stomach issues in the middle of the night and during the day I have to eat my small meals to keep my stomach from having issues. I just hope that all of this is worth it and that everything works out the way I want. I seriously can't believe that I agreed to do this already. I know the hard part was going to the doctor last week, but now that I have started everything it almost seems surreal and that we aren't doing this. It is a weird feeling. I am sure next week it will really hit me when I go in to measure the eggs and for bloodwork. I know that everything is going to go great and we will be good to go with IUI. I just have to start telling myself I will be prego which I will, I know that I have everything on my side. I just have to keep reading my book, thinking positively, and staying relaxed. I CAN DO THIS!

AM I READY!?!?!?!?

So...I am now at present day more or less and this is the main reason that I am doing this blog. I don't really care who reads this, but it is my way of moving on and dealing with the past. This is more or less just a way for me to reflect and to continue to reflect as we start up again on fertility treatments.

I know that I still want to be a mom more than anything, but the idea of starting up on all of the fertility treatments again just terrifies me. I know that my doctor said that the chances of this happening again are slim, but I can't still stop thinking about the baby that I lost and everything I have been through. Chris is excited and ready to do another round of fertility treatment and keeps trying to pump me up. I know that is what I need to be doing, but in the back of my head I have this nagging feeling that won't go away.

I went to the doctor this past week on June 3rd, to do a scan of my ovaries to make sure everything looked good before we start up. We have given my body enough time to normalize and heal from all of this and are ready to do this again according to them. When I walked into the office, I was hit by all sorts of emotion and fear as I hadn't been there in a few months and I just kept thinking and I am ready. We have mapped out the month and what days I do what. Today is the first day that I take a fertility drug and I am on pins and needles. Like my nurse said that this is like falling off a horse and you have to get back on to move on. I know that she is right that if I don't start up again this month, that it will be even harder next month. I am just going to try stay calm and relaxed and use writing as a way of getting all of my feelings out. I hope that when this DOES work this month, that someday our child realizes how much we went through and dealt with to have him or her.

THE NIGHTMARE THAT WOULDN'T END!

On March 23rd, is when I was given the injections to terminate the pregnancy. On March 30th, I had blood work drawn to check my levels and they were finally dropping. I knew that things were slowly working, but to be honest I was at my emotional breaking point and ready to move on with my life. I had no appetite, a husband that didn't want to talk about any of this, colleagues that wanted to talk about what I was going through when I wasn't able to without crying, and I felt alone. During this time I just couldn't help to think why me!? I know that isn't the greatest thing to think as this happens to so many people, but with the road I have been on and then to feel like God was toying with my feelings and emotions. I wasn't sure I could do any of this again.

On that Thursday, April 2nd, I was in my classroom when I started having major pains and contractions. I knew then that I needed to get home as I knew what was coming next. Luckily my mom came and got me as I was in no shape to drive home. The doctor called me in some drugs and I just had to wait for the baby to finally miscarry. Finally, after lots of pain and contractions on Sunday, April 5th, I miscarried the baby. I was so sad and relieved thinking that this might finally be over, but for some reason I was still having lots of pain and trouble sitting up and no bleeding.

On Monday, I was supposed to go out for blood work, but instead I called and said I think I need to be seen now and told them about my pain. They said that they wanted to see me now. I called my mom and luckily she could go with me as I didn't know what was going on. Once there and after an examination, my doctor was thinking that my tube was about to burst and in less than a half an hour, I was in surgery having an emergency D&C and laproscopic surgery. Chris barely got out there as they were finishing my IV at Overland Park Regional to give me a kiss before I was wheeled into surgery. That is the last thing I remember until I woke up in recovery to have a nurse tell me that they took my appendix. I looked at her and told her that she had the wrong patient. I guess she was right though as I was told that it wasn't just my tube that was causing all the pain, but my appendix. My doctor also did find tissue that hadn't miscarried that was part of the problem as well. All I have to say is that any time something is out of the norm, it is me. I got home on that day and felt better that this whole thing was finally over. Yes, I had lots of pain and I was still angry, but I knew that my nightmare was winding down. Now I had the rest of the week off to recover and reflect. The worst part is that this really did a number on Chris and he was just convinced that on that day he was going to lose me. You know I wasn't to sure myself what was happening as I remember signing all of the papers when I checked into surgery and them asking about my will, if I wanted them to resuscitate me if something went wrong, next of kin, etc. It just really makes you think about life.

WOW TO NIGHTMARE

I don't think I could of been any happier about being pregnancy. The glow that everyone talks about that people get when they are pregnant, I had it. :) On that Monday, I had to go have blood drawn to check my levels. My progesterone came back high and my HCG was at a 70. I went back on Wednesday to have them checked again as the HCG was supposed to double or increase by 1/2 and it came back at a 111. On Friday when I went my level had gone up to a 171 and the doctors were concerned that something was wrong with the baby. My heart dropped and I was terrified.

Chris and I told my parents the news on that Saturday and it was a happy, but sad time. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when I told her, but of course we had to tell them that there was probably something wrong with the baby, but we were all hopeful still. On Monday I had more blood work done to check my levels. It was the longest day waiting to hear what my numbers had gone up to. When the call came in, it was only a 224. Instantly my heart broke as I knew I was going to lose this baby.

On Thursday Chris and I went to the doctor to do an ultrasound to see the baby and see what is going on. I will never forget how scared I was and how hard I was squeezing Chris's hand. The look on the ultrasound wasn't good. We could see something in the uterus, but it wasn't as big as it should be for the numbers I had. My doctor then thought that maybe it was ectopic. At this point, my doctor wasn't sure what to do as if you aren't careful in how you handle the situation, I could get hurt and die. That was a nice thought wasn't it. All I remember Dr. Brabec saying is that this is common and that 1 out of 4 women miscarry and the chances of this happening again are slim. My Dr then decided that we would see if this baby would miscarry on its own over the weekend and I would come back on Monday. If it didn't, we would be looking into terminating the pregnancy by injections into my hip bones or surgery. When I left there with Chris on that day, my heart was broken and I didn't know what to think or do. Why is it that everything that happens to us, has to be out of the norm and more complicated. I was just sick at my stomach and wasn't sure how I was going to get through this nightmare. Here I wanted nothing more to be pregnant and now that I am, I wanted this whole thing over.

On Monday, I went back out there and did more blood work and another ultrasound. Once again my numbers kept going up, but they were NO where near where they needed to be. The sac in my uterus looked about the same. It was then decided that I would come back after lunch to have injections into my hipbones that would cause the baby to miscarry on its own and I wouldn't have to have surgery. When Chris and I went back, it was one of the most horrible things in the world. You are already upset as I felt like I was killing my baby that I wanted more than anything and it was more needles which I already have a fear of. Feeling that cold liquid enter into my system was one of the weirdest feelings I have ever had. I was told that this drug would shot off the hormones to the baby and cause it to miscarry on it's own as my hormone levels dropped. It could be weeks to a month for this to happen and I would have to have more blood work done every week to check my levels to make sure that they were dropping. I do know one thing that was dropping at this point and that was my heart, my weight, and my energy. I felt so alone and scared and felt like I had no where to turn even though I knew I had my friends and family supporting me through this horrible ordeal. When will this nightmare be over.

WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN THROUGH?

My name is Becky and I am teacher in Missouri and have been for 10 years. In those years I have met and taught some of the most amazing students in the world. I love being a kindergarten teacher and couldn't imagine doing anything different. In this time, I met and married the man of my dreams, Chris. I had known him since he was 9 years old when he played little league football with my brother.

Chris and I have done very well for ourselves and mapped out our future to a T. We wanted to wait to start a family until we thought we were financially secure and I had completed my master's plus 40. Once I completed all of this, we started working on adding to our little family. That was over three years ago and we are still without child. There is so much more to this story, but to make a long story short last August after trying Clomid and various other things, we moved onto a fertility specialist.

We are seeing Dr. Brabec at Reproductive Resource Center. She is amazing is all I have to say. From day 1, we developed a plan to make our dreams come true. Each month it was taking fertility drugs, doctor's appts, blood drawn, measuring eggs growth, and followed by IUI. If you don't know what IUI is, it is where they take a catheter in through your cervix and inseminate you with your spouses sperm. It isn't the most pleasant experience, but I will do just about anything to become a mom. We did this in Sept, Oct, and Nov. and it never worked. Things became so hard on my husband and I, that we decided it was easier to not discuss what we were going through with family as we felt like we were letting them down each month as well as ourselves. We had to take some time off in December and January as I had a cyst that was caused by all the fertility drugs. I was put on birth control to stop the hormones to the cyst and to make it go away. In early Feb it was gone.

We were now ready to take the next step with IUI in increasing the fertility drugs to an injectable drug. I would like to add here, that I am terrified of needles. Luckily I have the greatest school nurse in the world that gave me my injections into my stomach every other day. It wasn't horrible, but I was convinced that this was our month and I kept telling myself that. When I went in to measure the eggs, I was blown away at how big they were. I had three large eggs and one was measuring almost a 24. I knew that this was fate and that before long we were going to have good news to share. I did IUI on a Saturday and was supposed to wait two weeks to do a pregnancy test. I was told to do a pregnancy test every month 2 weeks following IUI, but I was never one that wanted to do a test as there is something about seeing the words NOT PREGNANT on those at home pregnancy tests. I could usually tell that my period was coming and knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant. On that Saturday I could do a test, I wouldn't. It was the start of my spring break and I didn't want to start it off with bad news, but I didn't feel like I was going to start. On that Sunday, March 8th, I got up and did a test. It came back instantly PREGNANT! I was so excited! I came running out of the bathroom and could hardly wait to tell my husband! We both cried and knew that our dreams were coming true! We agreed to not tell anyone until I was further along and we knew the baby was alright, but I had to tell someone and called my friend Becky as I had to tell someone!