Torn Up

Where do I start...I met with my doctor on Tuesday only to hear what I didn't want to hear. More or less Chris and I sat down with her to discuss our options which are dwindling away more and more. She first asked what we wanted to do, but that isn't happening. We told her that we wanted to take some time off to regroup and refocus before trying the shots again. She then told me taking a break is great, but no more doing the shots. She said that it was a waste of our money and will never work. I think when she said that my eyes immediately welled up with tears as I knew what was coming up next. She said that we had done a total of 8 IUI cycles and no success. We did four with the oral hormones and 4 with the oral hormones and the injections. She of course pointed out that we did get pregnant off the first round of injections, but that since that time it should of worked again and it hasn't. She then informed us that, now are you ready for this, we are candidates for Invitro. The minute those words came out of her mouth, I wanted to back the train up to over a year ago when Chris and I heard the words, "you will be an easy case and you will be pregnant in no time." Since when did I go from being an easy case to now being a candidate for the toughest and most intensive fertility treatment. To be honest at this point, I didn't know what to say and from the look of Chris's face he didn't either. I think Dr. Brabec knew we were both upset and said let me get the IVF (invitro) insurance person to come in and talk numbers with you. Immediately when she walked out the door, the tears started. I knew then that I was never going to be a mom.

When the IVF information lady came in, I am sure she could tell by my face that I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. She started off by going this is going to be a lot of money and let me break it down for you. All I remember seeing is a HUGE number in front of me and realizing that we have spent about that much this past year with all of the procedures and the miscarriage. She did say that number will probably go up depending on how many meds I need. She kept asking if we had questions, but I didn't know what to say and either did Chris. When she got done she handed me her business card and told us to think it over. She then left and my nurse Marci came in and she could tell on our faces that we weren't ready for this. She told us just to take it all in and don't make any rash decisions. We just sat there and talked for a while. When I heard what IVF was like, I was even more nervous. The low down version is daily shots, surgery to retrieve the eggs, more shots this time in the butt, inject the eggs with sperm, implant the fertilized eggs, and freeze the extra ones. That is the majority of it, but there is a lot more. When I got up to leave, it felt weird like I was leaving this place that has been a part of my dream for quite possibly my last time. I know that sounds weird, but everything felt so final. I had become so close to all the people in that office and knew them all on a first name basis and felt so comfortable there. Was I really going to give up on my dream of becoming a mom? It is so hard to think about.

Everything seems to weird right now. I haven't taken my meds at all or anything. I am going to take a fertility drug in a bit as we are going to try on our own these next few months as my ovaries are well stimulated from the three rounds of shots earlier. I would love to say that this is all going to work and all the worries about IVF was for no reason. I have every bit of my body crossed that we can make this work and we will be granted with our own miracle. No one knows how much I DO NOT want to do IVF. Even though we have been told that we have over a 60% chance of success with IVF. To be honest that would be the only thing that would convince me to do this. The average normal couple has a 20% chance each month. When it was just Chris and I on our own, we had about a 3% chance with our infertility issues. With each drug and procedure I did, my number increased. When I was doing IUI with shots, I was a little bit over 20% which gave me the same probability as a fertile couple. It is amazing that anyone gets pregnant with numbers like that. Any how, we have lots to think about and to be honest again I am really trying not to think about it as it just hard and upsetting. I really don't want to give up on becoming parents as I feel like it is all my fault that Chris and I aren't parents yet. I know that sounds bad, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to be responsible for crushing his dreams. I know it is sad isn't it.

Getting By

A few days have passed since I blew my cool on here and I have had time to sit back and think a bit. I am still not happy to say the least, but in a better frame of mind. Right now who knows what we are going to do. I do know that I am going to the doctor tomorrow to discuss what happened this month with my hormones and what else I can do. I do know that there will be at least 6 months that I take off to relax and find myself again. Unless you have been in my shoes, it is hard for me to express to you what I endure each month. Between the constant meds that make you sick each day, injections, blood draws, internal ultrasounds to measure the eggs, your high hopes, the actual procedure with the catheter inserted into your cervix, the heavy cramping and pain afterwards, the waiting, and then finally the disappointment. That is just the highlights of each of my months and I have been doing this for over a year now. No wonder I am losing my mind. Like I said, I am doing better mentally, but time will only tell what our road is going to lead to. I just hope that God knows that I am not angry and I understand that everything happens for a reason, but he needs to know that this isn't making me stronger and it is only making me more doubtful on my plans of being a mom. God please be with Chris and I as we move down this road and figure out our path.

Heartbroken

Right now I am sitting here with tears running down my face with so many thoughts going through my head. I still can't believe that this month didn't work. How the hell couldn't this month work!? Everything was on our side plus some. I just knew that this was our month and that God wasn't going to let us down. How could he do this to us when he knew that this was the last hurrah for Chris and I? He knew that we were done trying after this. Why the hell doesn't he want me to be a mom and Chris to be a dad? I am filled with such emotion and rage, I am not even sure how to express it. Where do we go from here? Do I just give up on my dream of becoming a mom? I can't deal with this heartache any more. The way I feel right now no one should ever feel. I know that Chris has been the most supportive husband and has really opened up through out all of this and now what. I am just lost and looking for a sign or something on what to do. I know right now that I need lots of time off just to find me again as I think I have lost myself in all of this. I am not sure who I am any more. I do know that all of this has made me a stronger person and opened my eyes to so much, but I just don't get why I am being put through this. I don't want to talk about this to any of you right now and hope that you can respect this. I just really need to be left alone and figure out things for myself. I just can't image coming to terms of never being a mom. Chris said earlier maybe it will happen once we stop all of this, but I know in my heart that won't happen after what the doctor told me. Any how, I will write more when I feel up to it, but right now just respect my wishes...

Anticipation

I guess I am not very good at being patient and waiting for things that I really want in life. This weekend all I have thought about is what if. I am thinking more positive on the what if side, but I am still doing a lot of thinking. What doesn't help is that I have a husband that keeps asking me; can we just do a test now and he doesn't get it that it is a timing thing. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to hold up without knowing. I know that they said this Friday I can do a test, but knowing my body and what happened last time, I am thinking Sunday at the earliest. I just hope that I can hold up until then.

Someone asked me the other day if we would give this another month and I didn't know what to say. I would love to say yes, but honestly we had everything on our side this month with my eggs and Chris's part that if it doesn't work then I think we need to move on for a while. Besides my pocketbook needs a break from this. I am not sure I can scrounge up a few thousand dollars for another go. I just hope that having these thoughts and conversations were pointless as I am already prego, but it is definitely food for thought.

Keep all the positive thoughts and prayers coming! I am just praying for a healthy miracle!

More Than Excited

I am a true believer right now. Everything is literally going way to perfect this month. I couldn't be happier. I had insemination this morning or IUI and I have 1 large egg on each ovary, a medium size egg also on my right ovary, and lots of little ones that won't do anything. I am so pumped. Then to make things even better Chris's side went fantastic too! I really feel like this is the month. I just know that I will be prego by Sunday! I have my fingers, toes, and anything else crossed that I can. I just hope that if this doesn't happen this month, that everyone realizes this is going to hit me harder than ever before. Everything is in line to be perfect!!!! WOO HOO!

Excitement

I am sitting here tonight with a wave of excitement and emotion going through my body. I went to the doctor on Monday to have my eggs measured and to see where we are this month. I was more than happy to see that I finally have eggs on both ovaries. I haven't had this happen except for the month that I got pregnant. I seriously feel like this is our month. I am even at the point to say that if it doesn't work this month, that I might have to scrounge up money to do one more round after this. I feel so close to having everything perfect and yet it is still out of reach. Did I forget to mention that I had 7 eggs also!? I am happy and nervous about that, but I am going to wait and see what I see tomorrow. I have to go back tomorrow to have my eggs measured again as they weren't big enough to proceed to IUI as they needed a few more days of fertility drugs and time. I am hoping that a few of the eggs joined together to create bigger and stronger eggs to the point that I have maybe 2 large eggs on each side. That would be more than perfect and I would actually go forward as I am not about to chance it. I am hoping that I am just not getting my hopes up and that nothing bad happens, but I have been in the exact same place how many months now and it all grew the way it was supposed to. I am going to go to bed as I need rest as the next few days could be kind of crazy. If there was any time that I need prayers and positive thoughts, it is now. May God be on my side these next few days and make my dreams come true! (If you can't tell, I am giddy!)