2011!!!!!!!!!

2011 is finally here!  I am so excited at all of the possible opportunities that I have this year.  May 2011 bring myself and all of my other friends that are having fertility issues the blessings that we rightfully deserve!  I am really and truly believing this is the year for miracles.  :)

IVF???????????

Today was the day we had our phone consult with the doctor in St. Louis to talk about IVF.  I was so shaky and nervous about this all day.  It still doesn't seem real that we are really thinking about doing this.  The doctor put me at ease like no other and immediately made me feel like I knew this man I was talking too.  Chris was sitting by me as we both listened in and he was impressed as well.  He said that from the looks of our paperwork that we have done a lot of IUI's.  He was basing all of this on our paperwork that I sent him as my doctor here hadn't sent anything just yet.  Any how, he wanted to just talk to us and see how we were feeling.  I more or less told him that I really don't want to do this, but at the same time I am always going to wonder what if we don't try IVF as I want to be a mom.  He said that the way I was feeling is normal and the fact that I have taken some time off to think, is good.  I told him that everything we endured with the fertility doctor here and my treatments was a lot to take in and an emotional time.  He asked what the doctor said about why I wasn't able to get pregnant.  I told him that she said that I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  He asked what they based that off and I told him it was the fact that my period was abnormal.  He said that didn't make sense and that isn't truly PCOS at all.  He said a woman that has PCOS has tons of follicles all over her ovaries like 10 a month.  He asked if I had anything like that and I said no.  He said that he was more than interested to read my paperwork to see what else made her think that is what our underlying problem was.  I did tell him that my cycles are really off base and some months up to 45 days long.  He said that it sounds like something else and used a word, but I can't remember what it was.  I did tell him that both my Granny and Dad have diabetes as PCOS has to do with insulin in the body.  I asked him if we do go forward with this, do I need to go back on the Metaformin drug and he said that as of right now, no, but he would get back with me on this.  I was thrilled to hear this as that drug really makes me sick to say the least.  I have my fingers crossed that I won't have to take that drug again.

I then brought up the fact that I found out about him and his practice from one of my students parents who went there and had success.  He was immediately inquisitive on who it was which shows me that he cares which is important to me.  I told him that not only did she tell me about him, but about his new procedure called Micro IVF and the lower cost.  He then went into detail about Mini IVF, Micro IVF, and IVF.  The biggest difference between all three of them is cost and number of eggs.  Mini IVF is where you do a minimum amount of drugs and they harvest your eggs.  Micro IVF is a bit more of drugs and they harvest your eggs.  IVF is where they give you LOTS of drugs depending on the person to make you produce LOTS of eggs to harvest.  He said that he doesn't recommend the first two as you are going to probably have to do the procedure over and over which in turn will add up to the cost of a normal IVF cycle.  When I heard that, it makes sense.  He explained that over and over until I think it finally sunk in with both Chris and I.  I then told him the reason I was so interested in the Micro IVF was the cost as we shelled out 24 grand already in what we have done.  He couldn't believe his ears.  I then asked and half knew what I would hear next, how much is IVF?  Chris and I both just sat here on the couch and looked at each other.  We knew that we were going to hear like 15 grand like it is here, but boy were we surprised to hear that it is about 7 grand without meds.  Both of our faces immediately lit up as that is doable in our eyes.  He said that it just a ballpark figure as he isn't sure what I would need yet without seeing my paperwork from my doctor.  He did say that he would give me lots though to increase my eggs and give us a bigger chance of success.  He did say that they have different packages though where we could pay for two cycles up front and it would be cheaper in the end.  He said lots of people need two cycles and that is a popular option.  Something that just occurred to me as I write this that I wonder if we decided to unfreeze later if we did have luck if that would be a part of the already paid process.  I need to remember to ask him that.  He said that I need at least 15 eggs for us to really have a good chance at IVF.  Next I asked him more questions about the actual procedure, the injections, hormones, the hospitalization, hotel stays, etc.  After hearing all of this, I could finally take a deep breath and thought to myself that I can do this.

Where did we end things after our 1 hour long conversation?  Well, once he gets my paperwork from my doctor and I do some bloodwork to establish how many eggs I have left in my body, we will talk again.  To be honest the bloodwork to hear how many eggs I have left and the quality of them, really puts me on edge.  I remembered when I was at the end of my treatment with Reproductive Resource Center that they had just come out with a new test to determine this, but I was to scared to find out my numbers.  All he kept saying to me is that I am young, which is nice to hear every once in a while when I feel so old.  Any how, once we know that information we can really move forward if we choose to.  I did tell him that I am doing acupuncture and as much as I hate the needles, I can tell a difference.  He didn't say much about this, but said that he has never done it.  I am not sure what he really thought about that, but I know in my heart that it is working as I feel ovulation again which tells me something.

Now, Chris and I have talked and we are both thinking what do we have to lose.  If this works then we will have a baby if it doesn't, we will have to move onto adoption or something along those lines which we really don't want to do.  We are also both going to try the fertility diet and a few other things.  We are going to go full force into this on January 2nd.  I really feel like this is going to be an amazing and magical year for Chris and I in all areas of our lives.  Am I going to need pep talks and lots of support, you betcha, but with the most amazing family and friends in the world, we can do anything.  I am off for a quiet dinner with the hubs and to let all of this sink in.  I really feel like I am dreaming....and I don't want to wake up.

Heavy Heart

There are a few times each year that really hit Chris and I that we don't have a child and Christmas is definitely one of the worst.  I am not exactly sure how to describe it, but Chris said it is best last night as we were laying in bed crying.  He said that our house is dark and not happy.  He said that he literally feels a pain in his heart and it is hard to breath.  I have to say that I couldn't agree more with him.  Who seriously would have thought 5 Christmases ago when everyone found out we were trying that we would struggle to complete our family.  Yes, we are optimistic about this new doctor, but in my heart and head I don't want to do this.  I really just don't know what to do.  Chris and I just laid in bed and he held me and I cried.  It honestly was the best gift he could give me in that he opened up about everything and he said that it even made him feel better.  I spent most of the night crying and thinking.  I have so many thoughts about all of this and honestly just wish someone would smack me across the head and tell me what to do.  I am really dreading the rest of this Christmas Day.  I love my family dearly and feel their support with each step I take, but I just wish that one of them would really understand how we feel.  The reality in that is that will never happen as they each had no problems starting their family and are happier than ever.  I love having my nieces in my life and would do anything for them, but it isn't the same.  I wish I could say that I am happy.  Yes, I married my best friend and love him dearly, but I still feel like I am keeping him from having a child as I know this is all my fault.  Sigh....  I could write all day about how I am really feeling about all of this, but is it really going to make me feel better, probably not.  I guess I had better go take a shower and get ready for Christmas at my parents.  It really doesn't feel like the holidays at all to me, just another day that I want over to try to move on.

Strength

I never thought I would go through half of the things in my life that I have.  The obstacles that I encountered these past few years just keep building me up and empowering me.  It really and truly amazes me at what a strong person I have become.  Granted with each blow it does hurt and send me on an emotional downspin, but I continue to pick myself up and try again.  I have said it time and time again that my journey is a roller coaster with so many dips and turns which really does a number on the body.  Right now I have to look at this month as a stepping stone to my body healing and moving forward.  I am not sure what else I can do, but I am going to try.  Seeing what I did today and  the way my body felt just shows me that we are getting closer.  The pain that I experienced isn't normal and I just have to keep remembering that.  Parenthood has eluded us all of these years, but I feel as if it is going to happen in the near future I just know it.  Yes, today was a rough day physically and emotionally, but I have to pick myself up and get ready for another month.

More Waiting.... :)

Last week seemed to last forever, but today was the worst as I just wanted to get to acupuncture.  I never thought I would say that.  When my doctor came into the room, she asked how I was and I told her I am not saying anything until you listen to my pulse.  She just laughed.  She listened and said it was even stronger and led her to believe that I still could be you know what.  I told her about how I had been feeling, but I didn't want to put to much into it as we have been here before.  Any how, it was the most relaxing session I have had.  I took huge deep breaths and just got in the moment.  Afterwards she came in to take all of the needles in, she asked me to do a test, but I said not yet.  I told her to give me another week as I can't see another negative test.  She said ok, but to email her as she was dying to know what happens this week.  I guess the real waiting begins.  I am actually pretty calm as I know that if I do start, I really feel great about things.  However, nothing would make my and Chris's Christmas like finding out we were you know what.  Alright with that...I am ending this.  Aunt Connie, don't bother asking me because I will lie to you.  LOL.  I do love all of the nice thoughts and prayers though.  We are going to get our miracle one way or another.  On another note getting my paperwork together to send to the doctor in St. Louis for our consult.  EXCITING!