Dealing

Last week I went for acupuncture and talked to my doctor about everything I was feeling mentally and physically.  She told me that the way that I was feeling is normal and I have every right to feel that way.  She explained to me that if I didn't feel this way, that she would be worried.  I talked to her about how people in my life say things to me about how it will happen when it happens or reduce the stress and she told me to tell those people to f off.  I was literally shocked when she told me that, but it made me feel better.  I asked her a lot of questions that I needed answered and she gave me answers.  I asked her if she was just saying these things to keep the money flow coming or did she mean it.  She said that she did mean it and she would tell me if she thought I should stop going.  Since that appointment I felt so much better about everything.  Then later that week I did something stupid and have been paying for it since.  I accidentally took some old fertility drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and knew instantly when I was sick that night.  Good times..but that showed me that I really don't want to go back on that path of taking drugs again.  Then that either was the beginning side of the drugs or me getting the flu.  Then on top of that I have had a lot of pain on my ovaries.  I am going to give it until the end of the week before going to the doctor.  I am hoping my body is just trying to produce quality eggs.  I am trying to think more positive about this instead of negatively.  I guess we will see at the end of the week what is going on.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us...

The Talk

Last night Chris and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything.  It amazes me how he will actually discuss these issues now where as just a few years ago I couldn't even say the word egg.  He even talks to other people at work both women and men.  I think him opening up now about how he really feels sad and disappointed each month shows me that if we were to go to another doctor that he would be more in tune with me, treatment, and my appointments.  I am not saying that is where we are headed, but it his positive attitude about everything just inspires me.  Here I was saying that we need to decide what to do as there is definitely something wrong with me and this isn't going to happen and he sees it as each month that I don't have the normal symptoms of a period and longer cycles, that something is trying to happen and we are getting closer.  I don't know.  He said that he wants me to shell out money for another round of acupuncture too and keep going.  I am just shocked as earlier this week he wanted me to be done.  He said that we are still young and he knows of people that are in the same situation as us that just found out that they are pregnant and they are much older.  I told him that I feel guilty as I feel like I am keeping him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a dad as we both know it is my fault and then I just broke down.  When we are angry with one another, that does get thrown in each others faces which is the most hurtful thing we can say to each other at this time and place in our lives.  He said that he doesn't blame me and that we are a team in this.  I told him that we need to decide when we are going to look into adoption and he just said NO.  He said he is really and truly not comfortable with adoption.  I told him that my mom said that we should foster a child first to see if we become attached to that child and that would allow us to see if we could adopt.  Chris said not yet we have another 5 years, but to be honest I don't think I can take another 5 years of this roller coaster.  He said he sees us now having two kids.  (That is shocking as he is the one that has said all along that he wanted one child)  He keeps praying, but he still doesn't believe in God again.  Myself on the other hand, I feel the same way too.  I keep praying, but I am not sure who too, but it does make me feel a lot better to get my feelings off my chest nightly.  It just amazes me lately of all of the people that I am hearing about that are in the same boat as us.  I don't feel so alone, but then on the flip side you sure do feel alone when you hear about another person that announces their pregnancy.  So where does this leave Chris and I right now....we are going to keep plugging away, I am going to hit the gym to burn some frustration a few days a week, acupuncture once a week, and keep being open and loving with one another.  We are going to keep praying for our miracle and that someone sees this as the time is right for us.  I hope that all of our friends and family will keep doing the same for us as we need it.  We jumped another hurdle in this bumpy road and we may be bruised emotionally, but in a way I feel stronger.  One month from yesterday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  I am sure that will be the next bump we have to jump, but I know that Chris and I are strong enough and love each other that we will do it together tears and all.  I am lucky to have such a supporting and loving hubby.  I just need to keep my head above water and keep treading with the currents that come my way.  I am not giving up....  :)  I have my best friend Chris by my side.  Love ya babe!   

Decisions

We have hit another bump on this road to motherhood.  I finally started this month after intense cramping for days and did I mention it took 40 days this cycle.  For some reason I feel like this is a sign that we just need to quit trying and focus our energy else where.  I feel so strongly that I think I am done with acupuncture too as my package is done and I have to pay again.  Maybe Chris and I need to give up on being parents and find something that we enjoy doing together.  I am really at a loss for words to be honest and emotional.  I am hoping that I can figure out what I need to do in my heart and head.  Then on top of that hearing that someone I am close to is pregnant after trying for a short time.  I am just really bumming right now and need to just relax and try to move on.  Someday life will get easier and less complicated for us.  I sure hope God can give me strength right now.

Waiting Game

I know that the minute I sit down to write this that I am going to start, but I would rather start instead of wondering for another week.  Today is day 39 of my cycle and I have yet to start.  Of course in the back of my head am I am wondering if maybe I am pregnant, but then in the front of my head is the reality saying my body is so screwed up that this is nothing and I will start any day.  Then I start wondering how many days will I give it until I do a test, but I know that there is no way I would do one until next weekend for sure.  I am sure tomorrow I will hear it from my acupuncturist about not doing a test.  On that front how much longer am I am going to give my acupuncture treatments?  I just wish that my life could be a hell of a lot easier on this front.  So...I guess let the waiting begin and hopefully let my nerves calm down to get me through this.