Raging Hormones

Right now I just want to scream! I am not sure exactly why, but I can honestly tell you that I don't feel like myself and haven't in a while. Today is day 7 of this cycle of hormones and my lovely injections. To be honest I feel like a royal bitch and everything I am taking and eating is making me sick. I have no idea why this month is effecting more than usual, but it is really doing a number on me. I just had a huge fight with Chris because right now because I just want to quit and of course he doesn't want me too. I honestly don't feel like I have another drop of determination and will power in me to do a few more injections this month. I am so tired of being tired as I am up all night from the various meds that are playing havoc with my system. I really wish I knew which drug it was that was the main culprit or if it is combo of them all. I just know that I want to be done. I really hope that God is hearing me loud and clear this month as I am tired of feeling like a test rat and ready for the end result. I am sure you are thinking that sounds horrible, but it is the way I feel. I know that Chris wants a baby just as bad as I do, but I really don't think he has a clue on how I feel each day of my treatment plan. I told him tonight if the roles were reversed and you were the one having to do what I do, would you have stuck with it as long as I have or quit? I told him that he would of quit which probably wasn't the nicest thing to say, but he doesn't know what it is like. Now that I have calmed down and had time to think, who knows what I am going to do in the next few days. I just keep waiting for a sign to let me know that everything is going to be alright. I really need to know what to do at this point in the game.

Ready or Not

Most of you don't know that I had to take a few weeks off from everything as something happened last month, but we don't know what exactly. It is a long story and one I am trying to put behind me. Any how, I am currently on birth control to stabilize my system and to give me a bit of more time. This week I am supposed to stop the pills and start up again on all the drugs. To be honest I am not sure what I am going to do. I had told myself that this was our last month for a while, but after last month's happenings, I am not sure if I have one more month in me. On top of that, I started back to work which means lots of stress, but to be honest I am excited about my new group. I am hoping that they will be less needy this year and more independent to say the least. I have to make my decision in the next few days. My birthday is Friday and that is the first day of fertility drugs. Maybe it is a sign that I am supposed to do this, but then again maybe it is a sign I am just getting older and one year closer from never being a mom. It is one of those things where it just depends how I look at the glass either half empty or half full. Today I am not sure how I am viewing it and just thinking I need a couple more days of thinking before doing anything. Just keep us in your prayers right now as we come to terns with whatever decision we make. I am really hoping for a sign from God on what to do next.

Uplifting Thoughts

I have an amazing friend that has been there for me with this ordeal I go through each month lately and she sent me the most incredible poem the other day that I wouldn't allow myself to read until I really needed a pick me up. I guess today was that day as I went to the doctor to hear about what we are going to do next and I felt more upset and confused than ever. After Chris and I read this poem tonight, it gave us the validation that we have to continue even with all the heartache we have been through. Dana thank you so much for such an incredible and uplifting poem at this hard time in our lives. You have no idea how much we needed to read this tonight and reconfirm the amount of money, the heartache, and the tears that we endure each month. I have decided that I am going to frame this poem and keep it somewhere close so I can read it when I am down and need confirmation on life. Enjoy this poem and thanks again Dana..

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

Becoming A Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Not The Start To August I Wanted

I am so bummed right now. I can't believe that I am spotting. I know that some of you are going that is not always a bad thing, but in my case I am sure it is just the beginning of my period. I really thought that this was our month. I have had morning sickness where I actually have gotten sick, headaches and dizziness, hot flashes, increased appetite, pain on my ovaries, and I have been exhausted. I am seriously just shocked that I am not pregnant. I will probably go ahead and do a test on Monday just to make sure as I know my doctor will ask me to do it anyways. I am just sick about this. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point. We had said that we would give it one more month and then stop trying until next summer as we need a break emotionally, physically, and financially, but I am not sure I have one more month in me. We have been doing this over a year now. The positive side of all of this is that I did get prego once and whats not saying it won't work again, but I am at my breaking point. This is all I am writing right now as I am a mess and really would like not to think about it. I just told Chris and his face and tears match mine. It is going to be a long next few days until Monday morning. I am still hoping for a miracle, but I am not to sure God is on my side this month with this one.