Drained

I have been told that this would be draining, but I really feel like I am drained in every way possible right now.  Things have been hard enough with fighting my memories, but then trying again this month has just added to my frustration.  I am pretty sure I am going to start as I have all of the signs, but it hasn't hit me yet.  I am sure later this week I will have my breakdown and then move on, but I hate that feeling.  I did talk to my nurse a week ago about IVF and timing.  She said that they could do another blood test this summer to determine how my eggs are still doing.  She said that they also have a new test which gives us a better idea of how many eggs I will have with IVF.  I am hoping that they are still alright and we can wait until the summer of 2011 to proceed.  We are trying to finish getting out of debt right now, but lots of little things are popping up which isn't letting that happen as planned.  Hopefully by July we will be on our way to our big savings.  I am also going to take out an extra insurance policy with the school district to help when I do get pregnant.  With this policy you can't get pregnant for so many months or it doesn't cover you.  I am hoping by doing this, I will get pregnant and be out that money, but save all my IVF money.  It always seems that things like that happen to us.  I guess time will tell.  I know I have a few rough days ahead of me waiting to see when I officially start.  I just wish Chris understood why it is so hard and why I get so angry.  I try not too, but it is so hard when my dreams are just out of a fingertips reach. 

Heavy Heart of Memories

I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized.  Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was.  I then knew I was going to get sick.  I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick.  I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine.  A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time.  I was pretty close to the same time even.  I am now home and emotional.  I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body. 

Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having.  I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did.  I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back.  I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered.  I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready.  Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do.  I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more.  However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again,  I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me.  I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment.  I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either.  I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better. 

I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest.  Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it.  I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need.  Right now I need lots of strength and prayers.  I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on.  Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help.  I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.