Ho Hum

Ho Hum is the way that I am feeling right now. Every time when I decide that I want to write something about how I am feeling, I always reread the last few posts to see how much things have changed. Today as I am about to write, I am sad for my friends daughter who did IVF for the 3rd time to get pregnant only to lose the babies again. My heart aches about this for so many reasons. For one, I don't get it. Why does God toy with people's emotions like this. I am sure she would of rather have seen a negative test instead of getting excited to only have her HCG number plummet and lose the baby. Second of all, the hope that I was having about IVF is gone. I was still on the edge about doing IVF, but now another loss for an amazing person makes me wonder if Chris and I have made the right decision. Third of all, Chris just keeps upping the ante on things. He is so gung ho on the baby front and I mentioned my insecurities about everything and he lost it. I understand how much he wants this, but he has to understand my fears and reservations about the whole thing. I just want to know someone that this was successful for to tell me, go for it Bec it isn't that bad and the payouts are even better, but no one has told me that. All of the times we were doing IUI, I knew people that it worked for and that is what kept me going, but this person losing a baby time and time again from IVF, has taken my last bit of hope out of me. I know that we have time before doing anything, thank God, but still IVF is on my mind. Fourthly, one of my students big brothers was killed in a motorcycle accident. Attending that funeral this past week was one of the saddest things I have seen. No one should have bury their child and I don't understand why people do all the time. I don't know how Mom's do it. Lastly, right now is hard enough as Chris and I are both thinking about last year at this time when I was pregnant and seeing that positive test. It seems like forever ago that happened and then the nightmare that never ended sees like eons ago. However, when I look at my scars on my abdomen daily, I am quickly reminded of everything. I just hope that real soon something reaches out and touches me on what to do and feel. Maybe I can talk about this at my support group, but at the same time I feel so weird as none of the people there have been through what I have and can't really relate. Any how, I am ending this as I could go on days and days about my feelings. I am sure I will write in the next week or so more about my feelings.

No Real Reason

For some reason tonight, I felt the urge to write. Maybe it has to do with the phone call I got last night from Chris as he was doing an overnight. For some reason our fertility issues have been the topic of conversation with his buddies which kind of creeps me out, but on the other hand makes me feel better knowing that Chris can open up about things. Any how, he is all about going to another doctor now that will start over with us and start at square one instead of doing Invitro. I am seriously at a loss for words. He said that more or less when Dr. Brabec told us no more, that he was finally feeling comfortable with things and was really and truly ready for this. What I wanted to say is what the hell were we doing this past year then! I mean seriously. I really didn't answer Chris either way when he said this, but of course this is all that has been going through my mind. I don't want to start over and I don't want to do IVF either, but we both want the same end result. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just feel like screaming to be honest with you. It was a year ago at this time that we conceived the baby that I lost. Maybe we need to give it another go, but who knows. Can you say frustrated because that is what I am right now... The peace of mind I have had for the past few months with having a plan is now gone. I guess it will just be something we will have to talk about and weigh out everything. This roller coaster is never going to stop I feel like and to be honest I just want off.