Monday, June 27, 2011
Pregnant...With Bad Memories
I don't think the fact that I am pregnant has really and truly hit me just yet. Yes, I feel pregnant and I really and truly believe that everything is happening the way it should be, but there are memories playing in the back of my head that are making me feel insecure. The last time I was pregnant, I was so happy. I remember going in for beta 1 and hearing the confirmation that I was pregnant. Then came beta 2 and I heard that my number doubled and things were looking more than great. Then came beta 3 and 4 where I heard that the hormone level was slowing down and not doubling which lead to my horrific miscarriage. I know with that pregnancy I have no idea on what quality of embryo I had and how fertilization took place. This time though I know that we put in 100% grade A embryos that couldn't have been better. Why is it that I can't put those memories out of my head! I know that that this time my beta hormone test showed that things tripled which is more than good, but in the back of my head I want another beta test just to show that things are really good. I think I am so scared that I am going to lose this baby or babies. I talked to one of my amazing nurses today and they scheduled me another beta test for tomorrow just to give me peace of mind. I know in my head that things are fine, but the memories in my heart are killing me. I want this so bad and I really and truly believe it is meant to be, but I just can't focus. Who knows if I will go for the beta test tomorrow or not. I know that I have another week until my ultrasound to see firsthand what is developing and to have some sort of peace of mind will help. Tonight I will talk to my husband and pray in hopes that I will decide what to do. I know that we will still have tons of people praying for us too. I just wish for once that something on my path to motherhood would be easy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
((((HUGS)))) It is really difficult to celebrate with a joyful heart when you have had a loss before. I know how you keep hoping and wishing that you could just be as blissfully happy as so many other pregnant women are. Unfortuntely, for so many who have suffered a loss, the worrying doesn't stop. Each day that passes, each test that says things are going as they should, will make it easier for you to rest and enjoy. I hope you can feel more secure in this pregnancy soon. You're still in my prayers, and good luck. When you get released by your RE, if you need an OB referal, let me know. My OB is very understanding about worried pregnant women - epspecially those who went through IF, and you get an u/s every visit until 20 weeks and can come in and get reassurance any time (heartbeat, u/s -whatever you need). For 2 of my pregnancies, I did rent a doppler to listen to the heartbeat which helped, too, once you get to the point when it can be heard. And it was kind of cool to have that recorded.
Thank you!!! I think this blood test will make me feel better. I know that things aRe fine but I am driving myself nuts with worry. As long as I hear things are still really progressing I will be fine until next week for the ultrasound. I am glad to also hear that you don't think that you really and truly get over losing a child. I know that I have moved on from that, but being prego has brought back all of those scary and horrible feelings. I would love to hear about your doctor. Once I know things are fine I am going to start researching one that can deal wiu my insecurities with all of this. Thank you for being there for me. I am at Quest just waiting to be poked yet again. Praying and praying....it is all in God's hands.
Post a Comment