We Are Going To Lose 1... :(

Today hasn't been a day I want to relive.  I had an appointment this morning with my OB to check on the babies.  Immediately instead of just listening for the fetal heart tones, the doctor took me to the ultrasound room.  She did an external ultrasound in which immediately I could see the big baby and how big it had gotten in a couple of weeks.  The doctor then did the most amazing thing, she let me hear the babies heartbeat.  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.  I just laid there and cried.  I had seen the heartbeat flash before, but not heard it.  The doctor then measured the baby and started looking for the other baby, but we saw a gestational sac, but couldn't see much more.  I was then sent to the hospital for a transvaginal ultrasound.  Chris went with me for the first time and got to be a part of it since going to St. Louis.  The ultrasound tech tried to do a external, but it was hard to see.  She then did a transvaginal ultrasound and first focused on the big baby and let Chris listen to its heartbeat.  The baby is measuring 9 weeks 6 days which is just a few days behind, but the baby looks great.  The baby was moving all over the place too.  It was so neat to watch.  Then came the time to look for the other baby.  My heart just dropped when we saw the sac had shrunk and we didn't see a fetus in the sac or a heartbeat.  She really looked and searched to find something, but in the end said we are losing this baby.  Not sure how this is going to take place and what will happen, but it is already happening.  I might have bleeding, cramping, but who knows.  The tech called the doctor and she said the good news is that the other baby shouldn't be impacted with losing its twin.  It really killed me when the tech switched in the computer that we didn't have 2 fetuses any more, but just 1.  I started to feel my eyes well up.  She gave me a minute to get dressed and I just lost it.  Chris just sat there with his head in his hands and I just cried.  I can't believe that God is taking another one of our babies.  I am still in shock to say the least and very emotional.  I can't believe that I can actually sit here and write this as I can't talk about it.  Chris is mad that I am upset as he says I need to be strong for the other baby, but I need time to grieve too.  All of this is making me think of when I lost the other baby.  I hate this.  I know that we have one healthy baby and we are almost out of the first trimester.  I just hope that God keeps letting this baby grow and lets the other one miscarry the way it should which will allow me to work.  I am really being tested right now in so many ways.  I just need the strength to get over one more hurdle on my journey.  Please pray for us and the one baby that is striving.