Finally Good News!!!!!!

Finally some good news that makes me want to jump for joy.  I am not even sure where to start as I have had nothing, but good news these past few days.  Nothing like a little bit of hope during the holidays to help Chris and I get through.  I have a set of triplets in my class this year that I look at each day as a miracle.  I know what their parents went through to have them and really and truly they are a gift from God.  I finally had a chance to talk to the mom and she gave me some information that I have looked into that sounds promising.  She went to all of the doctors here in KC, but either had no luck or miscarried.  She then went to a doctor in St. Louis and had success.  This doctor is one of the tops in the nation and comes very highly recommended.  On top of that he and other doctors have developed a new procedure called Micro IVF.  This procedure sounds very similar to IVF and is a 1/3 of the cost.  Chris and I talked as we are going to give it a go.  We have a consult set up for next month to meet with this doctor.  The hope that this doctor gives me is incredible.  It has had me on cloud nine since last Tuesday when we made the decision to go forward.  I know that we have lots of time until this would happen, but it will make the time pass and the heartache easier.

The last piece of good news I got is from my acupuncturist.  I have been going to her since August and today what she said really made my day.  When I got there she asked how I was and I told her that I had a mystery illness on Saturday with no real symptoms.  She then listened to my pulse and said she was putting needles in different places and would tell me about it after she listened to my pulse after the needles were out.  I laid there for what seemed forever and she came in.  She listened to my pulse again and just smiled.  She said based on my pulse, how strong it is, and how it has changed since last week, something has happened.  She doesn't want to get my hopes up, but said I could be pregnant or it is a sign that my body had a strong ovulation for the first time.  The idea that this really could be happening was enough to put a smile on my face.  She said all of that plus the fact that I felt ovulation this month, that my immune system is weak, body aches, and my new pulse leads her to believe that maybe just maybe I could dare say it...no I can't say it, but you get the picture.  She told me to take it easy, stay warm, and get rest.  I guess we will see next Monday what my pulse says and if I start.  I am on pins and needles, but at the same time can I dare let my heart get happy when I know that I have been let down so many times before.  I guess time will tell.  Prayers are needed right now and believe me we will be praying extra hard for a miracle or just a good change with my body.  This is going to be a long next week to say the least!

Memories and Remembering Good Bye

Luckily today a wise friend told me that the way I am feeling right now is normal.  This Monday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  Will I ever forget that date?  I don't think I will.  I will never forget finding out I was pregnant and hearing the due date.  I thought what an incredible birthday gift for my mom.  I remember thinking no more holidays of just Chris and I, but we would actually be a family.  It was the greatest feeling, but then almost 10 weeks later, our hopes and dreams came tumbling down.  Since that time, we have been told nothing more than bad news.  I really thought that I would be a mom by now and prove everyone wrong, but no.  I think that is why the birthday of this baby really hits me.  I know that some people think I am crazy to feel this way and that I need to move on, but the women who have been in my shoes tell me it is normal to feel this way and it is still to new.  I remember how hard this day was last year, but with the help of my friends and my husband, we got through it.  I just need to get through Monday which will consist of working with my kids, my colleagues, and then acupuncture.  I was hoping for a night out with the girls too, but that isn't going to happen.  I just need to be strong, but let my emotions out.  May God give Chris and I the strength to endure this day, but also help heal our hearts from the heartache that we have.

Dealing

Last week I went for acupuncture and talked to my doctor about everything I was feeling mentally and physically.  She told me that the way that I was feeling is normal and I have every right to feel that way.  She explained to me that if I didn't feel this way, that she would be worried.  I talked to her about how people in my life say things to me about how it will happen when it happens or reduce the stress and she told me to tell those people to f off.  I was literally shocked when she told me that, but it made me feel better.  I asked her a lot of questions that I needed answered and she gave me answers.  I asked her if she was just saying these things to keep the money flow coming or did she mean it.  She said that she did mean it and she would tell me if she thought I should stop going.  Since that appointment I felt so much better about everything.  Then later that week I did something stupid and have been paying for it since.  I accidentally took some old fertility drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and knew instantly when I was sick that night.  Good times..but that showed me that I really don't want to go back on that path of taking drugs again.  Then that either was the beginning side of the drugs or me getting the flu.  Then on top of that I have had a lot of pain on my ovaries.  I am going to give it until the end of the week before going to the doctor.  I am hoping my body is just trying to produce quality eggs.  I am trying to think more positive about this instead of negatively.  I guess we will see at the end of the week what is going on.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us...

The Talk

Last night Chris and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything.  It amazes me how he will actually discuss these issues now where as just a few years ago I couldn't even say the word egg.  He even talks to other people at work both women and men.  I think him opening up now about how he really feels sad and disappointed each month shows me that if we were to go to another doctor that he would be more in tune with me, treatment, and my appointments.  I am not saying that is where we are headed, but it his positive attitude about everything just inspires me.  Here I was saying that we need to decide what to do as there is definitely something wrong with me and this isn't going to happen and he sees it as each month that I don't have the normal symptoms of a period and longer cycles, that something is trying to happen and we are getting closer.  I don't know.  He said that he wants me to shell out money for another round of acupuncture too and keep going.  I am just shocked as earlier this week he wanted me to be done.  He said that we are still young and he knows of people that are in the same situation as us that just found out that they are pregnant and they are much older.  I told him that I feel guilty as I feel like I am keeping him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a dad as we both know it is my fault and then I just broke down.  When we are angry with one another, that does get thrown in each others faces which is the most hurtful thing we can say to each other at this time and place in our lives.  He said that he doesn't blame me and that we are a team in this.  I told him that we need to decide when we are going to look into adoption and he just said NO.  He said he is really and truly not comfortable with adoption.  I told him that my mom said that we should foster a child first to see if we become attached to that child and that would allow us to see if we could adopt.  Chris said not yet we have another 5 years, but to be honest I don't think I can take another 5 years of this roller coaster.  He said he sees us now having two kids.  (That is shocking as he is the one that has said all along that he wanted one child)  He keeps praying, but he still doesn't believe in God again.  Myself on the other hand, I feel the same way too.  I keep praying, but I am not sure who too, but it does make me feel a lot better to get my feelings off my chest nightly.  It just amazes me lately of all of the people that I am hearing about that are in the same boat as us.  I don't feel so alone, but then on the flip side you sure do feel alone when you hear about another person that announces their pregnancy.  So where does this leave Chris and I right now....we are going to keep plugging away, I am going to hit the gym to burn some frustration a few days a week, acupuncture once a week, and keep being open and loving with one another.  We are going to keep praying for our miracle and that someone sees this as the time is right for us.  I hope that all of our friends and family will keep doing the same for us as we need it.  We jumped another hurdle in this bumpy road and we may be bruised emotionally, but in a way I feel stronger.  One month from yesterday would have marked the one year birthday of our baby.  I am sure that will be the next bump we have to jump, but I know that Chris and I are strong enough and love each other that we will do it together tears and all.  I am lucky to have such a supporting and loving hubby.  I just need to keep my head above water and keep treading with the currents that come my way.  I am not giving up....  :)  I have my best friend Chris by my side.  Love ya babe!   

Decisions

We have hit another bump on this road to motherhood.  I finally started this month after intense cramping for days and did I mention it took 40 days this cycle.  For some reason I feel like this is a sign that we just need to quit trying and focus our energy else where.  I feel so strongly that I think I am done with acupuncture too as my package is done and I have to pay again.  Maybe Chris and I need to give up on being parents and find something that we enjoy doing together.  I am really at a loss for words to be honest and emotional.  I am hoping that I can figure out what I need to do in my heart and head.  Then on top of that hearing that someone I am close to is pregnant after trying for a short time.  I am just really bumming right now and need to just relax and try to move on.  Someday life will get easier and less complicated for us.  I sure hope God can give me strength right now.

Waiting Game

I know that the minute I sit down to write this that I am going to start, but I would rather start instead of wondering for another week.  Today is day 39 of my cycle and I have yet to start.  Of course in the back of my head am I am wondering if maybe I am pregnant, but then in the front of my head is the reality saying my body is so screwed up that this is nothing and I will start any day.  Then I start wondering how many days will I give it until I do a test, but I know that there is no way I would do one until next weekend for sure.  I am sure tomorrow I will hear it from my acupuncturist about not doing a test.  On that front how much longer am I am going to give my acupuncture treatments?  I just wish that my life could be a hell of a lot easier on this front.  So...I guess let the waiting begin and hopefully let my nerves calm down to get me through this. 

Acupuncture and Dreams

I have had a lot on my mind lately and have been meaning to write, but with the start of school, I have been busy.  However, the baby making concept has still been on my mind.  I have been doing acupuncture once a week and I don't like it at all, but I can tell a difference from it.  The lady that I see has made me a real believer in what I am doing.  Each time I go and she tells me about my pulse, I think I am on the right path.  I did have a cycle already as I was going through the treatments and I was really late which had my hopes up, but when I did start I could tell something was different in my cycle in a good way.  Now I should be ovulating again any day and we will see what happens this month.  I am kind of taking a more laid back approach this month, but I just know in my gut that this isn't our month.  I am really thinking that the next cycle everything will be great.  When I first started treatment she said that it would be a good 2 to 3 months.  I have total trust in her with all of this.  I really  hope my doctor realizes how much I think of her and how I have all of my eggs in her basket. 

On the flip side we have maybe come into a lot of money which could open up a lot of doors for Chris and I on becoming parents.  He doesn't want to talk about it, but it is definitely on my mind that we could use this money for IVF or adoption.  I really feel like this is a sign from Chris's Nana and she is rooting us on from heaven just like she did when she was alive.  I just really need to figure out what to do, but then on the flip side maybe we will have a miracle and be able to put that money for something for Chris and I.  I really feel that he and I need a getaway just the two of us.  We need it.  Any how acupuncture is tomorrow and we will see what happens from that.  More to come soon!

Last bit of info that is on my mind.  November 15th is creeping up and the thought that would be our babies first birthday really makes me ill.  I don't think I will ever get over the loss and that date.  Sigh