Those Horrible Words

There is something about seeing the words "Not Pregnant" on a pregnancy test that just does me in. I was late this month and was actually feeling pregnant which of course immediately had my husband saying I need to do a test. I did and I saw those horrible two words again. I can't even describe the pain and anger I felt when I saw those words as that test went flying into the trashcan. I was so hopeful that it would be positive and that we wouldn't need a plan any more, but not the case. I finally started the other day and it has been one of the weirdest cycles I have had with cramps that nothing would take care of including prescription drugs. I am trying not to think about it and ready for this new month, but at the same time I don't want to think about it and see if that helps, but everyone knows that I will be counting the days and know exactly when we would need to have sex as I can't get that part of this whole process out of my system. How weird would it be if I did get prego this month or next month as those were the months I conceived last year. I honestly think it would creep me out to say the least. Who knows, but I am hopeful.

Making A Decision

I am just going to put one statement for now and will elaborate later on it. Chris and I have decided to give IVF a go! Don't get me wrong I am still very hesitant about it and know that this is our last chance at full filling our dreams. I know that the whole process won't be easy, but nothing I have done over this past year has been easy. We are going to pay off a few things first and then start our fund. It probably won't happen until June or July of 2011, but at least we now have a plan of action for sure. We are still hopeful that something might happen on its own, but I feel great now that we know what we are going to do and are in agreement. YEAH!

Positive Thinking

Today is Christmas and it was a much easier day than I thought it would be. Chris and I both were dreading the day even though it is a special day that we normally look forward too. I am not going to write much, but tonight when Chris and I finally did our gift exchange as the snowstorm and blizzard caused us to stay at my parents house last night, he of course was very sweet and sentimental. He said that the one gift I want is one that can't be bought and it is the one thing that we both want. He added that 2010 will be a year of positive thinking and doing everything in our will power to make this things happen on the baby front. Maybe he is right and that is all we need to do, but right now only time will tell. Of course tears were shed between the two of us and then he gave me my diamond earrings. I have the greatest and most supportive husband in the world. I love him with all of my heart. When the time comes he will make the greatest dad in the world. Today I watched him play with my 4 year old niece and it just melted my heart. I think he had more fun than she did. Someday he will be able to give that love to our own child. In closing, Merry Christmas and let the positive thinking and will power overtake us.

Emotional Pain

I have been doing better than I thought I would lately with the whole fertility thing lately until today. Today was my first family Christmas get together with my family from Springfield. I was so excited about them coming and could hardly wait for them to get here. Tonight was great at dinner with just talking and laughing. After that we opened a few presents. My niece Ava was definitely putting on a show and being her usual self, but I didn't expect my other niece's first Christmas to hit me as hard as it did. I was just sitting on the sofa watching and listening to my brother say that they needed to take a picture as it was Bellas first Christmas and first Christmas present. As I just sat there and watched, I felt a flood of emotion overcome me and I knew that I needed to be alone. I went upstairs and just cried. I remember when Chris and I found out that we were pregnant back in February that one of the first things that came to both of our heads is that we wouldn't feel awkward and be alone on the holidays any more. It is so hard to watch other people especially my brother with his daughter on the holidays when that is what we want more than anything. Any how, I was just thinking that this would of been our babies first Christmas and we would of been doing the same thing. Then I started thinking I can't do this the rest of my life. I have to be a mom someday, I just have too. God is going to have to hear our prayers sometime soon and grant them. As much as we want our own child with our flesh and blood, I would adopt a baby at this point as well. I know that this next week is going to be just as hard and I am just ready for the holiday season to pass. I know that this is selfish, but I just need this pain in my heart to stop. I know that my family understands how I feel and the pain that I have, but no one knows unless they have been in my shoes which none of them have. Please let me get through this next week without any more breakdowns or tears. Lastly, please let this be the last Christmas that I spend without a child.

A Time To Give Thanks

In the next week, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. I have noticed on Facebook all of the people that have been listing all of the things that they are thankful for. As I read through them, it just made me start thinking that I don't have a lot that I want to give thanks for this year. The one that I do need to give thanks to is all my amazing supportive friends and family who have been with Chris and I every step of the way in 2009. What we have endured this past year is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I will say that everything has made me a stronger person and taught me about my self and Chris. Who would of thought that I would actually be able to give myself injections and do even 1/2 of the things I did. I am sure that all of this strength I have gained is going to help me somewhere down the road, but I am not sure when. I keep saying that 2009 can't get any worse, but we still keep having things thrown at us that are far worse than I could ever dream. Then on top of that I started again this week. Was I surprised, no, but I was still wishing that a miracle would of happened. I am so ready for this year to be over and to move on. I hope that we can get through these next few weeks and the holiday season without any drama. I hope that this will be the last holiday season that Chris and I will have to go through as just the two of us. I have all these hopes and dreams for 2010 that maybe someone will actually grant. Until then, may no more bad things happen to us or the people that we love.

Today is the Day

Dear God,

Today is the day that Chris and my baby should of come into this world. You and I both know that it has taken me a long time to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be, but I will always have a special place for that baby in my heart and will never forget this date. Knowing that I was carrying a baby inside me, was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing that would of been better is carrying it to term and becoming a mom.

I hope that you know that through all of this, I still haven't figured out what it is that Chris and I are to do to become parents. We both have called upon you so many times just like the bible says and have waited for you to help us out. We are both at the end of our rope on this and just wish we could be informed on what it is that we are to do. God don't count us out on becoming parents and please give us the chance to have a baby naturally without invitro or adoption. We aren't bad people and would be the greatest parents in the world.

God thank you for everything that you have given us. I hope that you can give us both the strength that we need today to get through and try to move on. Please look after our family.

Amen...

Life

It is officially the month of November. I can't believe it. I wish I knew what to say at this point, but I am really at a loss for words. Tonight I once again kept the light off and trick-or-treaters away. It isn't that I love the kids and their costumes, but it is just a reminder of one thing I want to be able to do with my own child. I know it sounds silly, but it is one of those little things. As I was on facebook tonight looking at people's updates, it really hit me as I saw cute pictures that people uploaded of their children dressed up. I want that so bad. I have that cute fish costume in the closet that I bought years ago in hopes that it would be used. I still have hope, but just not as much.

Lately things have been hard. There was a death on Chris's side of the family and my dad had surgery yet again. Chris and I have officially decided that this was the worst year ever with everything that has happened and that next year things have to be better. It wouldn't surprise me if one more thing goes wrong between now and then. I am more than ready for January 1st to get here and get through these next few holidays. I have a feeling that this year's holidays will be that much harder. Right now, I just need to get through November 15th.

I apologize for my choppiness in my writing, but when I get emotional kind of like I am right now, my sentences don't flow together like I would like as I am writing off the top of my head and believe me there is a lot in there right now.