A Time To Give Thanks

In the next week, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. I have noticed on Facebook all of the people that have been listing all of the things that they are thankful for. As I read through them, it just made me start thinking that I don't have a lot that I want to give thanks for this year. The one that I do need to give thanks to is all my amazing supportive friends and family who have been with Chris and I every step of the way in 2009. What we have endured this past year is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I will say that everything has made me a stronger person and taught me about my self and Chris. Who would of thought that I would actually be able to give myself injections and do even 1/2 of the things I did. I am sure that all of this strength I have gained is going to help me somewhere down the road, but I am not sure when. I keep saying that 2009 can't get any worse, but we still keep having things thrown at us that are far worse than I could ever dream. Then on top of that I started again this week. Was I surprised, no, but I was still wishing that a miracle would of happened. I am so ready for this year to be over and to move on. I hope that we can get through these next few weeks and the holiday season without any drama. I hope that this will be the last holiday season that Chris and I will have to go through as just the two of us. I have all these hopes and dreams for 2010 that maybe someone will actually grant. Until then, may no more bad things happen to us or the people that we love.

Today is the Day

Dear God,

Today is the day that Chris and my baby should of come into this world. You and I both know that it has taken me a long time to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be, but I will always have a special place for that baby in my heart and will never forget this date. Knowing that I was carrying a baby inside me, was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing that would of been better is carrying it to term and becoming a mom.

I hope that you know that through all of this, I still haven't figured out what it is that Chris and I are to do to become parents. We both have called upon you so many times just like the bible says and have waited for you to help us out. We are both at the end of our rope on this and just wish we could be informed on what it is that we are to do. God don't count us out on becoming parents and please give us the chance to have a baby naturally without invitro or adoption. We aren't bad people and would be the greatest parents in the world.

God thank you for everything that you have given us. I hope that you can give us both the strength that we need today to get through and try to move on. Please look after our family.

Amen...

Life

It is officially the month of November. I can't believe it. I wish I knew what to say at this point, but I am really at a loss for words. Tonight I once again kept the light off and trick-or-treaters away. It isn't that I love the kids and their costumes, but it is just a reminder of one thing I want to be able to do with my own child. I know it sounds silly, but it is one of those little things. As I was on facebook tonight looking at people's updates, it really hit me as I saw cute pictures that people uploaded of their children dressed up. I want that so bad. I have that cute fish costume in the closet that I bought years ago in hopes that it would be used. I still have hope, but just not as much.

Lately things have been hard. There was a death on Chris's side of the family and my dad had surgery yet again. Chris and I have officially decided that this was the worst year ever with everything that has happened and that next year things have to be better. It wouldn't surprise me if one more thing goes wrong between now and then. I am more than ready for January 1st to get here and get through these next few holidays. I have a feeling that this year's holidays will be that much harder. Right now, I just need to get through November 15th.

I apologize for my choppiness in my writing, but when I get emotional kind of like I am right now, my sentences don't flow together like I would like as I am writing off the top of my head and believe me there is a lot in there right now.

Sigh....

I had to sit down and write tonight to get some serious heavy things off my chest. For one, I am spotting which makes me think that I will be starting in the next few days. I would of thought that I would be more upset than I am right now, but I am sure that will hit me later in the week. I do know that everything happened to fast this month and I ovulated a lot earlier than I thought which didn't give us a real chance. I am really hoping with the meds that I have left this month and my still stimulated ovaries that we can make this happen.

I wish I could explain how much we want this. We want this for so many reasons, but one of my reasons isn't even for myself or Chris, but for my mom and dad. I want my parents to be able to have a grandchild from their daughter. I want my parents to be an important role in my child's life. I want to be able to raise my child in the same manner I was raised by my incredible parents. I want to be able to pass on the wisdom and family traditions to my child the way my parents did for me. I want Chris to be able to carry on his blood and namesake into the future as that is something that is very important to him. I want to hear a baby call me mommy and not just on accident like my students do at school. I want to be able to celebrate the holidays and not feel so alone. I want to be woke up in the middle of the night to a baby crying that needs me. I want to provide for a child and give them everything that I have to give and more. There are so many reasons that I want a baby, but most importantly I want my family to grow and expand. I sure hope that God has heard my prayers and will help make my dreams a reality this coming month.

Emotions

I have been doing better lately and I am not sure why. I still have a husband that keeps asking me when can you do a test and talking all positively, when of course I am thinking how the hell could we get pregnant on our own this month. I would love for it to have happened and for all of this stress this past month to be for nothing. Oh what a dream come true that would be. I seriously think I would do flip flops like I was a kid again! Only another week or so and we will know, but like I said I am not expecting much.

The other day I was cleaning the "blue room" or what will eventually be my fish nursery and I saw something that did me in. Granted I have everything bought for that room and have ever since I saw the bedding at Pottery Barn Kids with all the fish on it, but when I saw the Raiders onesies hanging in the closet, it all hit me like a load of bricks. I bought those outfits when I found out I was pregnant for Chris. We have always joked that if we have a boy he is going to have a hard time choosing to root for the Raiders or the Chiefs. :) Seeing those outfits and booties just reminded me that I should be 8 months pregnant right now and 1 month from delivering. It is unreal to me to be honest with you. I think about that date and now that it is so close, I think it is more on my mind especially with the fact that we have been told more or less they are giving up on us at the fertility doctor. I just need to get through this next month and the 15th of November by doing something special on that day. Chris said that he will be fine, but I think it is going to hit him harder than he thinks. Oh wouldn't it be nice if we had a miracle by then. Please oh please God...

Twiddling My Thumbs

I have been meaning to write these past few days, but I just haven't had the heart to do it. Tonight Chris is playing video games and I am just sitting at the computer thinking. While I was in here he asked me to look up fertility foods for women and men. It isn't as if I haven't done this before, but he wants to try it on his end for the next few months which is new. He then proceeded to tell me he is convinced fried chicken is on the list for obvious reasons. He is such a dork. Any how, I have been in here looking things up and all I keep seeing is info about IUI and infertility. I will be the first to admit that I haven't been the cheeriest person lately and I actually feel that my spirits being down is what got me sick right now.

I did talk to a great friend this week and he gave me some wonderful advice. I am more than grateful for Shawn talking to me and telling me that my feelings are normal. I have decided that I need to talk to someone other than a friend or family member about my feelings. I do feel blessed that I have amazing friends that have loved me and supported me through this every step of the way, but I have so many unanswered questions and I am just questioning what I should do about everything. A lot of my questions center around how can God give a child to someone that hurts them, doesn't take care of them, and doesn't love them. I just don't get it and if I think about it too much, I think that I must be a bad person that God doesn't think deserves a child. I know those are horrible thoughts, but that is just a bit of what is bottled up inside me right now. I still keep hoping that I am going to be popped in the head with an answer to all my questions including what road I should take with all of this, but it hasn't happened yet. I do know that I need lots of time to come to a firm and clear decision though and patience is going to have to find me real soon. I just hope that things get easier in my day to day life with dealing with the possibility of not ever being a parent.

Someone told me today that if for some reason it doesn't, I have played mom to hundreds of kids through the years and will continue to do so. (It isn't what I wanted to hear in a way, but it is true.) I know that I make a difference in my students lives which is something that I treasure, but I want to have that opportunity in different facets of life too including in my home with my husband. I am going to end this with my favorite thing about my week. This week a bunch of my former boys invited me to their 8th grade football game to watch them play. It felt so weird watching them play and thinking how far they have come from the 5 year olds that I grew to love and care for. I was so proud of them. Then after the game them coming off the field and giving me a huge group hug. Even though I smelled like their sweat, it made my day as I know that I am special to those kids just like they are special to me. It is things like that, that are going to get me through these next few months. I need to end this as I am getting emotional. May God be with us and guide us as we put this in his hands years ago and know that he will lead us in the right direction.

Torn Up

Where do I start...I met with my doctor on Tuesday only to hear what I didn't want to hear. More or less Chris and I sat down with her to discuss our options which are dwindling away more and more. She first asked what we wanted to do, but that isn't happening. We told her that we wanted to take some time off to regroup and refocus before trying the shots again. She then told me taking a break is great, but no more doing the shots. She said that it was a waste of our money and will never work. I think when she said that my eyes immediately welled up with tears as I knew what was coming up next. She said that we had done a total of 8 IUI cycles and no success. We did four with the oral hormones and 4 with the oral hormones and the injections. She of course pointed out that we did get pregnant off the first round of injections, but that since that time it should of worked again and it hasn't. She then informed us that, now are you ready for this, we are candidates for Invitro. The minute those words came out of her mouth, I wanted to back the train up to over a year ago when Chris and I heard the words, "you will be an easy case and you will be pregnant in no time." Since when did I go from being an easy case to now being a candidate for the toughest and most intensive fertility treatment. To be honest at this point, I didn't know what to say and from the look of Chris's face he didn't either. I think Dr. Brabec knew we were both upset and said let me get the IVF (invitro) insurance person to come in and talk numbers with you. Immediately when she walked out the door, the tears started. I knew then that I was never going to be a mom.

When the IVF information lady came in, I am sure she could tell by my face that I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. She started off by going this is going to be a lot of money and let me break it down for you. All I remember seeing is a HUGE number in front of me and realizing that we have spent about that much this past year with all of the procedures and the miscarriage. She did say that number will probably go up depending on how many meds I need. She kept asking if we had questions, but I didn't know what to say and either did Chris. When she got done she handed me her business card and told us to think it over. She then left and my nurse Marci came in and she could tell on our faces that we weren't ready for this. She told us just to take it all in and don't make any rash decisions. We just sat there and talked for a while. When I heard what IVF was like, I was even more nervous. The low down version is daily shots, surgery to retrieve the eggs, more shots this time in the butt, inject the eggs with sperm, implant the fertilized eggs, and freeze the extra ones. That is the majority of it, but there is a lot more. When I got up to leave, it felt weird like I was leaving this place that has been a part of my dream for quite possibly my last time. I know that sounds weird, but everything felt so final. I had become so close to all the people in that office and knew them all on a first name basis and felt so comfortable there. Was I really going to give up on my dream of becoming a mom? It is so hard to think about.

Everything seems to weird right now. I haven't taken my meds at all or anything. I am going to take a fertility drug in a bit as we are going to try on our own these next few months as my ovaries are well stimulated from the three rounds of shots earlier. I would love to say that this is all going to work and all the worries about IVF was for no reason. I have every bit of my body crossed that we can make this work and we will be granted with our own miracle. No one knows how much I DO NOT want to do IVF. Even though we have been told that we have over a 60% chance of success with IVF. To be honest that would be the only thing that would convince me to do this. The average normal couple has a 20% chance each month. When it was just Chris and I on our own, we had about a 3% chance with our infertility issues. With each drug and procedure I did, my number increased. When I was doing IUI with shots, I was a little bit over 20% which gave me the same probability as a fertile couple. It is amazing that anyone gets pregnant with numbers like that. Any how, we have lots to think about and to be honest again I am really trying not to think about it as it just hard and upsetting. I really don't want to give up on becoming parents as I feel like it is all my fault that Chris and I aren't parents yet. I know that sounds bad, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to be responsible for crushing his dreams. I know it is sad isn't it.