RELAX TIME

I am really surprised that i haven't been on here sooner writing as I have had a lots going on including a crazy scare in May, but I think with the end of the school year and all, it just all hit the back burner.  If you are wondering about the scare, I was worried about my tube and a mass.  Finally I can say that the pain is gone as is the mass.  Thank goodness.  On top of that I am on summer break!  For the first time ever I am taking a whole summer off for me.  I am so excited.  Nothing, but relaxation to help prepare for the next school year.  Deep down inside I am hoping that without all of this stress that maybe just maybe we can get pregnant on our own.  I feel like the worlds been lifted off my shoulders since school got out and plan on just enjoying my time off.  Keep your fingers crossed for us these next few months in hopes that maybe just maybe we can do this without IVF.  I am really hopeful.  :)

Mother's Day

This day is hitting me harder than I thought it would.  I was really doing alright until I got out and went to the store.  Seeing all of the happy families just did me in.  When I stopped by my parents house to drop off ice cream, my brother and his family was there.  I am happy for them that they have the family that they want, but it just a constant reminder.  I know that it sounds selfish, but people in my shoes know what I am talking about.  When I left, my mom walked me out and gave me a hug.  It just did me in.  I tried to stay strong, but it is so hard.  On the way home I just sobbed.  I am glad that we have days like this to give thanks to our parents, but it just leaves me wondering am I ever going to get that amazing feeling.

Bumps

There are definitely times during the month that are bumpier than others with my infertility journey, but the bumps lately have been a lot on my mind.  The other night I head about someone that was pregnant that really got to me.  This person doesn't take care of the child that she has, my nephew, and the state taxpayers are doing what she doesn't.  When I heard that from my brother in law, I was infuriated to say the least.  The only good thing is that the father isn't my brother in law this time, but still.  It just makes me angry to think that God blessed her with another child and hear I am still with a broken heart and without a baby.  Sigh... someday this will be easier, I just know it. 

Then add Mother's Day on top of that and I am a walking emotional mess.  I hate that my unhappiness with this holiday skews my opinion of it considering I have the most amazing mom in the world.  She is by my side through everything I go through and is truly my best friend.  I hope that she knows that, but I am pretty sure she does.  I would love for nothing more than to give her grandchild. 

Drained

I have been told that this would be draining, but I really feel like I am drained in every way possible right now.  Things have been hard enough with fighting my memories, but then trying again this month has just added to my frustration.  I am pretty sure I am going to start as I have all of the signs, but it hasn't hit me yet.  I am sure later this week I will have my breakdown and then move on, but I hate that feeling.  I did talk to my nurse a week ago about IVF and timing.  She said that they could do another blood test this summer to determine how my eggs are still doing.  She said that they also have a new test which gives us a better idea of how many eggs I will have with IVF.  I am hoping that they are still alright and we can wait until the summer of 2011 to proceed.  We are trying to finish getting out of debt right now, but lots of little things are popping up which isn't letting that happen as planned.  Hopefully by July we will be on our way to our big savings.  I am also going to take out an extra insurance policy with the school district to help when I do get pregnant.  With this policy you can't get pregnant for so many months or it doesn't cover you.  I am hoping by doing this, I will get pregnant and be out that money, but save all my IVF money.  It always seems that things like that happen to us.  I guess time will tell.  I know I have a few rough days ahead of me waiting to see when I officially start.  I just wish Chris understood why it is so hard and why I get so angry.  I try not too, but it is so hard when my dreams are just out of a fingertips reach. 

Heavy Heart of Memories

I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized.  Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was.  I then knew I was going to get sick.  I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick.  I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine.  A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time.  I was pretty close to the same time even.  I am now home and emotional.  I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body. 

Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having.  I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did.  I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back.  I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered.  I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready.  Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do.  I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more.  However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again,  I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me.  I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment.  I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either.  I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better. 

I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest.  Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it.  I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need.  Right now I need lots of strength and prayers.  I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on.  Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help.  I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.

Pain

Right now it feels as if my heart is being yanked out all over again for some reason. I thought the due date for the baby I lost was hard, but for some reason the happiness and then nightmare at this time last year is playing out in my head even more. Has it really been a year since getting the injections into my hipbones to kill my hormones and the baby! Unreal... When I think about that and then everything that happened afterwards, it seems surreal. I am really having a hard time with just focusing right now on anything but that. I know that the next few weeks will be that way as my pregnancy really wasn't over for another 3 weeks when I had surgery to find out if my tube was bursting as I had passed the baby, but the pain was still there in full force. I really wish I had started this blog back then and was able to go back and reflect on my feelings. Maybe it would help me right now or then again maybe it would just remind me of the pain and heartache. I remember just sitting at my computer playing an online game over and over to just try to escape the reality of the whole thing. I remember that and how much weight I dropped. Right now I don't feel like talking about any of this and just keep wondering am I ever going to be a mom. I really need to find someone that did IVF that I know that had luck and is telling me to go for it. I just need that little push to keep me going. Right now I am thinking of throwing myself back into the gym scene to take my mind off of things. I am still holding out for a miracle and would love to prove my doctor wrong. Prayers would be great right now...

Emotions

One year ago last Sunday was the day that I found out I was pregnant followed by the week where Chris and I were on cloud 9 about finally being pregnant. WOW...has it really been a year. It just seems impossible it was a year ago at this time that my dream coming true turned into a nightmare that we couldn't escape. When I think about it, I really get angry and upset as afterwards is when I was told you will be pregnant again in no time and next Mother's Day you will really be celebrating being a mom. It is so hard to say those words or even read those words. Am I really only destined to remember this one big loss and never have the high of having my own. Those words really sting when you think about it. Right now IVF is the plan, but do I really want to do it, no. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't met one single person that it has worked for. With IUI, I knew tons of people that had been in my shoes and had success. I guess right now the plan is just to keep saving and fighting on with this adventure. I have waited almost 5 years of trying to be a mom, what is a few more.