Drained

I have been told that this would be draining, but I really feel like I am drained in every way possible right now.  Things have been hard enough with fighting my memories, but then trying again this month has just added to my frustration.  I am pretty sure I am going to start as I have all of the signs, but it hasn't hit me yet.  I am sure later this week I will have my breakdown and then move on, but I hate that feeling.  I did talk to my nurse a week ago about IVF and timing.  She said that they could do another blood test this summer to determine how my eggs are still doing.  She said that they also have a new test which gives us a better idea of how many eggs I will have with IVF.  I am hoping that they are still alright and we can wait until the summer of 2011 to proceed.  We are trying to finish getting out of debt right now, but lots of little things are popping up which isn't letting that happen as planned.  Hopefully by July we will be on our way to our big savings.  I am also going to take out an extra insurance policy with the school district to help when I do get pregnant.  With this policy you can't get pregnant for so many months or it doesn't cover you.  I am hoping by doing this, I will get pregnant and be out that money, but save all my IVF money.  It always seems that things like that happen to us.  I guess time will tell.  I know I have a few rough days ahead of me waiting to see when I officially start.  I just wish Chris understood why it is so hard and why I get so angry.  I try not too, but it is so hard when my dreams are just out of a fingertips reach. 

Heavy Heart of Memories

I guess all of this is really impacting my heart and brain more than I realized.  Today I was in my classroom having a fun day with my class when I had a nice little pain come on where I just stopped where I was.  I then knew I was going to get sick.  I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to get sick.  I of course was clammy and burning up, but eventually it passed and I was fine.  A colleague of mine took my class so I could go home and it was then that it really hit me what my real problem was, I was having sympathy pains just like the pain I had last year at this time.  I was pretty close to the same time even.  I am now home and emotional.  I am just not sure if I am right in making that little statement, but it makes sense that I could of brought it on myself as my brain is playing tricks on my body. 

Today I emailed my doctor about IVF and an upcoming fertility workshop they are having.  I am not sure what gave me the strength to finally do that, but I did.  I know that she read it, but I didn't hear anything back.  I just have so many questions about IVF and I think I need to have them answered.  I also want to make sure that my eggs will be ok in a year or two as it will take a while to save money for the procedure and get my body mentally and physically ready.  Right now I change my mind all the time on what I want to do.  I am still hopeful that it will all happen on its own, but that takes my hubby and I making love which is something that I don't want to do any more.  However, I have finally felt comfortable trying and having sex again,  I know that doesn't sound right, but it is a mental thing with me.  I would rather not have sex during the month and not have to wonder at the end of my cycle if I am pregnant or not and then live through more disappointment.  I am ovulating right now and hopeful that just maybe it can happen on its own this month, but I don't want to have false hope either.  I am sure all these thoughts are really not helping, but I figure if I write about them and get them off my chest, I might feel better. 

I really can't say enough how much this blog helps me get what I am feeling and thinking off my chest.  Before I did this, I would just keep it all bottled up instead of talk to someone, but with this blog I am talking to myself and any one else who reads it.  I am glad that a few people have found my site that know my pain and are really helping give me strength that I need.  Right now I need lots of strength and prayers.  I just need to get through this funk of memories I am experiencing and try to really move on.  Someone told me today that you never really move on and it will always be in the back of your mind, but when you have the positive memories to overtake it, it really does help.  I hope that my friend Heather is right as I need things to improve.

Pain

Right now it feels as if my heart is being yanked out all over again for some reason. I thought the due date for the baby I lost was hard, but for some reason the happiness and then nightmare at this time last year is playing out in my head even more. Has it really been a year since getting the injections into my hipbones to kill my hormones and the baby! Unreal... When I think about that and then everything that happened afterwards, it seems surreal. I am really having a hard time with just focusing right now on anything but that. I know that the next few weeks will be that way as my pregnancy really wasn't over for another 3 weeks when I had surgery to find out if my tube was bursting as I had passed the baby, but the pain was still there in full force. I really wish I had started this blog back then and was able to go back and reflect on my feelings. Maybe it would help me right now or then again maybe it would just remind me of the pain and heartache. I remember just sitting at my computer playing an online game over and over to just try to escape the reality of the whole thing. I remember that and how much weight I dropped. Right now I don't feel like talking about any of this and just keep wondering am I ever going to be a mom. I really need to find someone that did IVF that I know that had luck and is telling me to go for it. I just need that little push to keep me going. Right now I am thinking of throwing myself back into the gym scene to take my mind off of things. I am still holding out for a miracle and would love to prove my doctor wrong. Prayers would be great right now...

Emotions

One year ago last Sunday was the day that I found out I was pregnant followed by the week where Chris and I were on cloud 9 about finally being pregnant. WOW...has it really been a year. It just seems impossible it was a year ago at this time that my dream coming true turned into a nightmare that we couldn't escape. When I think about it, I really get angry and upset as afterwards is when I was told you will be pregnant again in no time and next Mother's Day you will really be celebrating being a mom. It is so hard to say those words or even read those words. Am I really only destined to remember this one big loss and never have the high of having my own. Those words really sting when you think about it. Right now IVF is the plan, but do I really want to do it, no. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't met one single person that it has worked for. With IUI, I knew tons of people that had been in my shoes and had success. I guess right now the plan is just to keep saving and fighting on with this adventure. I have waited almost 5 years of trying to be a mom, what is a few more.

Ho Hum

Ho Hum is the way that I am feeling right now. Every time when I decide that I want to write something about how I am feeling, I always reread the last few posts to see how much things have changed. Today as I am about to write, I am sad for my friends daughter who did IVF for the 3rd time to get pregnant only to lose the babies again. My heart aches about this for so many reasons. For one, I don't get it. Why does God toy with people's emotions like this. I am sure she would of rather have seen a negative test instead of getting excited to only have her HCG number plummet and lose the baby. Second of all, the hope that I was having about IVF is gone. I was still on the edge about doing IVF, but now another loss for an amazing person makes me wonder if Chris and I have made the right decision. Third of all, Chris just keeps upping the ante on things. He is so gung ho on the baby front and I mentioned my insecurities about everything and he lost it. I understand how much he wants this, but he has to understand my fears and reservations about the whole thing. I just want to know someone that this was successful for to tell me, go for it Bec it isn't that bad and the payouts are even better, but no one has told me that. All of the times we were doing IUI, I knew people that it worked for and that is what kept me going, but this person losing a baby time and time again from IVF, has taken my last bit of hope out of me. I know that we have time before doing anything, thank God, but still IVF is on my mind. Fourthly, one of my students big brothers was killed in a motorcycle accident. Attending that funeral this past week was one of the saddest things I have seen. No one should have bury their child and I don't understand why people do all the time. I don't know how Mom's do it. Lastly, right now is hard enough as Chris and I are both thinking about last year at this time when I was pregnant and seeing that positive test. It seems like forever ago that happened and then the nightmare that never ended sees like eons ago. However, when I look at my scars on my abdomen daily, I am quickly reminded of everything. I just hope that real soon something reaches out and touches me on what to do and feel. Maybe I can talk about this at my support group, but at the same time I feel so weird as none of the people there have been through what I have and can't really relate. Any how, I am ending this as I could go on days and days about my feelings. I am sure I will write in the next week or so more about my feelings.

No Real Reason

For some reason tonight, I felt the urge to write. Maybe it has to do with the phone call I got last night from Chris as he was doing an overnight. For some reason our fertility issues have been the topic of conversation with his buddies which kind of creeps me out, but on the other hand makes me feel better knowing that Chris can open up about things. Any how, he is all about going to another doctor now that will start over with us and start at square one instead of doing Invitro. I am seriously at a loss for words. He said that more or less when Dr. Brabec told us no more, that he was finally feeling comfortable with things and was really and truly ready for this. What I wanted to say is what the hell were we doing this past year then! I mean seriously. I really didn't answer Chris either way when he said this, but of course this is all that has been going through my mind. I don't want to start over and I don't want to do IVF either, but we both want the same end result. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just feel like screaming to be honest with you. It was a year ago at this time that we conceived the baby that I lost. Maybe we need to give it another go, but who knows. Can you say frustrated because that is what I am right now... The peace of mind I have had for the past few months with having a plan is now gone. I guess it will just be something we will have to talk about and weigh out everything. This roller coaster is never going to stop I feel like and to be honest I just want off.

Those Horrible Words

There is something about seeing the words "Not Pregnant" on a pregnancy test that just does me in. I was late this month and was actually feeling pregnant which of course immediately had my husband saying I need to do a test. I did and I saw those horrible two words again. I can't even describe the pain and anger I felt when I saw those words as that test went flying into the trashcan. I was so hopeful that it would be positive and that we wouldn't need a plan any more, but not the case. I finally started the other day and it has been one of the weirdest cycles I have had with cramps that nothing would take care of including prescription drugs. I am trying not to think about it and ready for this new month, but at the same time I don't want to think about it and see if that helps, but everyone knows that I will be counting the days and know exactly when we would need to have sex as I can't get that part of this whole process out of my system. How weird would it be if I did get prego this month or next month as those were the months I conceived last year. I honestly think it would creep me out to say the least. Who knows, but I am hopeful.